See, there is something going on. They called us mad when we drew the connection between Gap, Inc. CEO Mickey Drexler's appointment to Apple's Board of Directors and the seemingly inexplicable decision to ship the iBook in Blueberry and Tangerine. See, while Blueberry is by far the most popular iMac color, Tangerine seems to be the most reviled, based both on heard-it-on-the-street popular opinion and actual sales figures. So why Tangerine for the iBook? Various theories flew back and forth. For instance, one says Steve loves Tangerine and was upset that it didn't catch on with the iMac, so he made it one of only two choices for the iBook with the goal of boosting its popularity. Another says that Apple's trying to get rid of the vats of Tangerine dye left over due to that color's unpopularity in the iMac line. But the truth struck us like a lightning bolt when we saw that "Everybody in Vests" Gap commercial, pushing orange like it's the best thing to happen to color since the discovery of "purple" in Vienna in 1903.

Obvious, right? Either Mickey nudged Steve in the ribs and tipped him off that orange would be this fall's hip color with fashion-conscious teens and young adults, or Steve RDF'd Mickey into believing that orange is worth pushing as the Young Color of Choice. Either way, the result is the Tangerine iBook being more than a cool portable Mac-- it's also a hip accessory. One third-party company has already announced the iStrap; for those who feel that the iBook doesn't look enough like a purse, the iStrap is just what the doctor ordered. Seriously, the handle's cool and all, but the iStrap is a hands-free way to tote the iBook without hiding it in a backpack. People who are worried about looking "girly" need not apply, but if the Gap-Apple orange push is successful, there are going to be lots of young'uns out there for whom a visible Tangerine iBook is a fashion necessity.

So for those who shrugged off our theory as just the ramblings of a pack of conspiracy fanatics, perhaps you heard the news about Uncle Steve's new corporate duties? Faithful viewer John Buscemi (sadly, no relation to Steve Buscemi) was the first to point us towards the Gap's latest press release: Steve Jobs is the latest addition to Gap Inc.'s Board of Directors. Sort of a "Board Member Swap," if you will. Still questioning the Tangerine connection?

Oh, great-- like computers don't crash enough on their own without people spending time and money trying to help the process along. Faithful viewer Kent Hull pointed out a ZDNet article on HERF guns, nasty things that can be cobbled together from parts available at the local hardware store. HERF stands for "High Energy Radio Frequency," which, when pointed at a computer, has roughly the same effect as a Taser does on somebody sitting naked in a bathtub. (Not that we've Tasered people while they're bathing. That would be rude; at least wait until they dry their hair.)

Where were we? Oh yeah, HERF guns. So yeah, you just point this unwieldy thing (consisting of a car battery, a parabolic reflector, a horn antenna, and a couple of automotive ignition coils) at a nearby computer, flick the switch, and watch as a "20 megawatt burst of undisciplined radio noise" makes that system crash, crash, crash. The semi-portable one demonstrated at the ominously-named convention "InfowarCon '99" was effective from twenty feet away, though the creator claims he's built larger ones that were capable of "crashing computers and disabling automobiles [!] at a range of 100 feet." Sure, the G4's classified as a weapon by the U.S. government, but how is it on defense?

While today's homebrew HERF guns are a little too bulky to sneak into an office building to wreak havoc, more powerful ones could be used in drive-by pulsings. Scary stuff. And you just know that at some point some enterprising young thing's going to design a "pocket HERF gun" that fits in a briefcase and can crash a computer from five paces, and start selling them over the Internet as "the joy buzzer of the new millennium." Sigh. Then again, Kent poses an intriguing question: "Wonder if they can tune it to kill just the Wintel boxes?" But on second thought, in our experience Windows tends to crash if you look at it sideways, so maybe Wintel-only HERF guns are superfluous anyway.

Face facts-- we live in a fast-paced society. These days it's "Instant Everything." There are people out there who are so far removed from the patient Hunter-Gatherer lifestyle they'd probably curl up and die if you took away their remote control and microwave popcorn. (As for us, you'll take our cable modem when you pry it from our cold, dead, carpel-tunnel-ridden hands.) But hey, that doesn't mean that just because a show is slow-moving it's not worth following. It just means that those of us with, er, "petite" attention spans need a little reminder to check back in when something interesting happens.

So we're grateful to faithful viewer and antitrust watchdog Jerry O'Neil for reminding us that the next episode in "Redmond Justice" is slated to air on Friday. We know it's not the drama-drenched roller coaster ride it was back in its testimony days, but we're still waiting for resolution on that whole "which side wins" cliffhanger. Personally, we feel it's just a bit irresponsible of the producers to make us all wait for so long with just about zero action on the show, but they seem to know they've got us on the hook; "Antitrust Trial of the Century," and all that. For those of you who are sticking it out until the bitter end, you know that the last time something happened, it was the filing of each side's "proposed findings of fact." This latest stir of activity involves both sides filing their "revised proposed findings of fact." Uninspired, perhaps, but it's something, after all. A CNET article has the details. Apparently Microsoft's filing is over 600 pages long. Given how much disk space the latest version of Office chews up, we can't say we're surprised that everything Microsoft churns out is bloated...

Incidentally, in light of this whole "Microsoft in collusion with the NSA" conspiracy theory that's so popular with the kids these days, a faithful viewer known only as John made an interesting connection: "Maybe the DOJ Microsoft antitrust lawsuit is a smokescreen designed to divert attention away from the M$/US conspiracy?" John, John, John... Picture us slowly shaking our heads to express mild disappointment. In other words, what do you mean, "Maybe"?