Whoa, rein in the hounds! Based on an article posted last week at MacWEEK, it looked like Apple Europe had entered some kind of dire financial straits, as it was reportedly reversing a decision announced only a couple of months prior to sponsor four large expos in various European countries. The way the article was worded, Apple Germany had instead switched gears and opted not to attend any more shows for the rest of 1999. To us, such a decision just smacks of insolvency, or maybe just slack. But apparently something got lost in the translation, because now it seems that three of the four proposed shows are still a go.

According to a new article, Apple Europe as a whole still plans to attend various trade shows, including the three big ones formerly announced to be taking place in France, Italy, and England. Apple Germany's announcement applies to Apple Germany alone, and Apple Europe spokesman George Albrecht claims that "to his knowledge," the no-more-shows-in-1999 move only applies to "German-speaking countries." As to why Apple Germany has decided to sit out the festivities, well, who knows? It could be a money thing, or perhaps the market atmosphere is just not ready for Apple expos right now. Or maybe Germany has a really good line-up this TV season and the Apple Germany execs don't want to miss anything.

And as for any connection between EuroApple shutting down shows and the infamously lukewarm response received by EuroDisney when it opened a few years ago, well, you should probably draw your own conclusions-- or none at all. Trying to add evidence to the theory of strong behind-the-scenes ties between Disney and Apple in this manner is more than just a little dangerous to maintaining a healthy and balanced overall world view, and therefore such an exercise is recommended only for the most seasoned of conspiracy theorists. If you'd care to attempt it, though, here's a hint; just about anybody can skulk around Disney World while enjoying the total anonymity afforded by those big all-encompassing Mickey suits-- even someone emitting an abnormally high level of Reality Distortion waves. Think about that when you're trying to sleep tonight...

The comparison between the current woes of beleaguered PC giant Compaq and the near-death-throes of formerly-beleaguered Apple may or may not continue in the mainstream press, but if you ask us, some of the similarities are pretty startling. Well, okay, there really aren't that many similarities. Still, you've got a big computer manufacturer whose performance is tumbling lower than expectations, and you've got a CEO getting canned and another high-ranking executive (CFO in this particular case) leaving for greener pastures on the same day. And now the carnage continues, as still another suit departs: according to a ZDNet article, Michael Heil, Compaq's "senior vice president and general manager of worldwide sales and marketing," has resigned to become CEO of another company. (We bet he took the new post as much to shorten his ridiculously long job title as to avoid getting Compaq blood all over his curriculum vitae.)

Interestingly enough, Heil's hasty retreat happens just as Compaq's "interim Office of the CEO" (hmmm, an interim CEO... that sounds strangely familiar) consolidates Heil's six sales and marketing regions into a leaner, meaner, "three geographic groups," and eliminating the separate worldwide sales and marketing organization entirely. So if the timing of Heil's decision to leave strikes you as just a coincidence, somebody's been spiking your orange juice with Essence of Naïve; the higher-ups apparently felt he could have been handling things differently. Meaning, better. So what does that mean for the remaining thirteen executive managers? It means they're living in the shadow of a big, nasty axe.

Now, we don't pretend to know how bad Compaq's problems are. In fact, we strongly doubt that they're anywhere near to losing a billion dollars a year. But the buzz among the analysts seems to be that Compaq desperately needs a "broad restructuring" to avoid becoming irrelevant, and that's not at all a simple task. Sounds like they need a charismatic and proven turnaround artist to walk in and start kicking some butt. A man that can take stock of what's wrong and set things right. A man that's not afraid to take drastic and unpopular action for the good of the company. Anyone got Gil Amelio's number?

Finally, in the spirit of the iMac appearing in Neiman Marcus' new "toys" mail-order catalog, here's a delicious contribution from faithful viewer drow:

This message is sent to you with the hope you will forward it to EVERYONE you have ever even seen the e-mail address of. In the spirit of the originator, please feel free to post it anywhere and everywhere.

Okay, everyone....a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A. Thought y'all might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows Internet justice, if it can be called that.

My wife & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in St. Paul & decided to go online to check our email. Because our family are such Macintosh lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus iMac" which we saw in their catalog. It dialled out so easily and the interface was so excellent that I asked if they would give me one and they said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy one? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Thirteen." I said with approval to just add it to my tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $1335.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a USB floppy drive. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "iMac - $1299.00." Boy, was I upset!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "thirteen," and I did not realize she meant $1300.00 for an easy to use, modern computer in translucent Tangerine plastics.

I asked them to take back the iMac and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the Apple computers were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of them using shoddy PC components and bloated Microsoft operating systems... the bill would stand.

I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back.

I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $1299.00 and now I'm going to have $1299.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every Macintosh lover will have a $1299.00 computer recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will.

So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few copies... I paid for it; now you can have it for free.

(Recipe may be halved.):

• 1 Pentium-toasting 333MHz PowerPC G3 processor
• 32 MB SDRAM
• 1 6GB hard disk drive
• 1 24x CD-ROM drive
• 1 built-in 56K modem
• 1 10/100Base-T Ethernet
• 2 built-in 12Mbps Universal Serial Bus ports
• Choice of flavors: Blueberry, Grape, Lime, Strawberry, Tangerine

Benchmark processor and place with daughterboard in socket. Check the memory and both drives. Add modem, ethernet for simple, high speed LAN or Internet connectivity, and mix with USB for peripherals. Place all components and 15" monitor in a sturdy plastic housing of your choice of flavors. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 1 iMac.

Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story. That's it. Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc...

Either you get it or you don't. Personally, we thought it was hilarious. ;-)