Regarding the so-called "Megahertz Gap," does everybody remember Steve's exact words when he stumbled through his prepared written statement during that exceedingly uncomfortable earnings conference call last week? He said Apple has been "working closely with Motorola" to resolve the problem-- which we personally interpret to mean that Apple has kidnapped several children of Motorola higher-ups and is holding them at knifepoint until the chip-maker digs us all out of this 500 MHz hole in which we've been dwelling since about the Paleolithic Age. While generally we would frown upon such drastic measures, hey, sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns, right?

Now, Steve was misquoted all over the place as having said that Apple would close the Megahertz Gap within six months. If you go back and listen, he didn't say that at all. What he said was, and we quote, he and his minions "plan to offer Power Mac G4s with higher megahertz processors in the next six months," and "to begin closing the megahertz gap during the first half of 2001." Moreover, they expect "to make substantial progress during the remainder of the year." In other words, Apple has no plans to catch all the way up to the Intel/AMD frontrunners even by the end of next year. Most of you already knew this, because you live in this world, instead of in some glorious fantasy land in which the rivers run with chocolate and Motorola doesn't actually have its collective head up its... well, you get the picture.

So please, no more pipe dreams about the G4 overtaking Intel clock speeds by next summer, because barring divine intervention and a few strategically-deployed nuclear weapons, it just ain't gonna happen. Instead, we as a community should be thinking about baby steps out of this massive pit in which we dwell. So let's focus on that bit about faster Power Macs within six months, shall we? The best time to unveil these beasts would obviously be Macworld Expo in January, and to expect more than a modest boost-- say, to 600 MHz-- from Motorola is like expecting a common hamster to solve differential equations; it just leads to disappointment, and confused hamsters.

So will we have a G4/600 by January 9th? Maybe, maybe not... but after reading Mac OS Rumors, our endearingly pessimistic selves are marginally leaning towards "not." If you believe the rumors, Motorola has managed to produce "saleable yields" of 550 MHz and 600 MHz chips, but not saleable enough for Apple to feel comfortable announcing products that use them. Apple's tentative plan is reportedly to ship products that rely upon Motorola's new chips, such as Steve's promised faster Power Macs and the long-awaited PowerBook G4, at the Expo-- but despite "very intense meetings" between Motorola and Apple (at which we imagine Apple execs are showing photos of their hostages dangling above a big shark tank), the outlook for a January release still isn't etched in stone. The waiting game continues...

Not long after last week's earnings statement, things suddenly got very, very quiet in the Apple world. Our guess is that people were too shellshocked by the ongoing stock cratering to make any news-- and there's only so much anyone can say about AAPL's performance before either driving people to mass suicide, or boring them to death like a final-season episode of Happy Days. As a community we're in a somber period, to be sure, and somber and quiet go hand in hand.

In fact, have you seen what passes for actual news in a lull like this? Why, it's enough to force us to indulge in petty sarcasm out of sheer boredom. See, the kick-off keynote slot for this January's Macworld Expo is still officially vacant, bearing only a "To be announced" tag at the conference's official site. We wonder who it'll be? Perhaps Britney Spears could deliver a presentation on recent theoretical progress in the field of quantum physics and how it influenced her choreography in the video for "Oops!... I Did It Again." Or maybe that guy at the Sunglass Hut at the mall will be tapped to talk about that time he found half a worm in his food court cheese fries. Heck, maybe they'll ask us to get up and explain in detail how the switch from Dick York to Dick Sargent on "Bewitched" officially marked the ideological end of the fabled 1969 "Summer of Love." The possibilities are endless!

But alas, we won't be taking the stage in San Francisco after all, it seems, if MacCentral is correct. According to their sources, none other than Steve Jobs himself will be delivering the keynote come January 9th, at which he's expected to talk about Apple's progress (he's the CEO, you know) and possibly take the wraps off some great new products. We have to admit, Steve's a very appropriate choice for such an Apple-themed event, and we wonder why we never thought of him before. Kudos to the Expo folks for thinking of such a perfect speaker to kick off the festivities. (Further harmless sarcasm is left as an exercise to the viewer, but remember, descend not into bitterness, Grasshopper-- that way lies madness.)

While things are uncomfortably quiet here in the States, it looks like every once in a while we're going to have to find our plot twists overseas. So hooray for ZDNet, who published a short interview with Thomas Lot, the general manager of Apple France. Lot's comments are almost a window to the glorious past; while Apple is currently struggling after a massive comeback on this side of the pond, the company is just hitting its growth stride over in Europe. Take, for example, the fact that Apple Germany just completed its best year ever.

In fact, Apple Germany's explosive growth (from a woefully dismal 1.5% market share to a markedly less sucky 2.4%) is perhaps symptomatic of the whole "lean and hungry" attitude that Lot seems to be trying to foster. "Reaching a double-digit market share is clearly an objective for Apple," he says, "by innovating, and by integrating innovation with the strengths that a manufacturer can provide." 10% market share or higher? Hey, don't laugh-- technically, it's not out of the question. Remember, in Europe the personal computer market isn't as saturated as it is over here: reportedly 77% of French homes still don't have even one system (oooh, we're going to have nightmares tonight!), so Apple certainly has "room to grow" over there. And Lot thinks that Apple has the gumption to tackle that 77% with gusto: "We regard ourselves as a start-up!"

Okay, so it's a multibillion-dollar start-up that's been in business for over twenty-five years, but it's a start-up nonetheless. What we'd like to see is a wider "start-up" attitude over in Cupertino proper. Sure, the iCEO's working for a buck a year (plus the occasional obscenely-high bonus and jet plane) and there's an increasing focus on stock options as employee compensation, but we have a hunch that Apple got a smidge complacent what with all the warm fuzzies from the press for two years before this most recent stumble. Back to basics! Apple needs to fight to survive, to claw its way up the hill while knocking competitors off the cliffside right and left. It's go time. Caffeine is your ally and sleep is for the weak; now get out there and build the best damn computers in this or any other universe! Perhaps Guy Kawasaki's Garage.com could help Apple find some funding. Say, when's the IPO?