This is it-- the busiest shopping day of the year, and the official kick-off to the 2000 Holiday Shopping Season. At dawn, thousands of crazed and overenthusiastic consumers pounded on the locked doors of department stores across the nation, desperate to be admitted so they could slap down the plastic and contribute to the further commercialization of a formerly spiritual occasion. Not that we're passing judgment, you understand; the AtAT staff would have been out there foaming at the wallet with the rest of you, except that we ate so much at Thanksgiving dinner that we actually discovered firsthand why bears hibernate and thus got up shortly before dusk. (We were also sore because our gracious hostess was perverse enough to wait until everybody had gorged themselves silly on the wonderful spread and then pulled out the Twister set. In addition to that "why bears hibernate" thing, we also discovered 1) that there is true evil in this world, and 2) why Twister mats are made of easy-to-clean vinyl.)

That said, we're sure we're not the only ones who wound up forgoing the retail battle today due to the excesses of the night before-- and even those of you who did manage to drag your overstuffed corporeal forms down to the mall to put a dent in that shopping list probably aren't finished yet. That is, unless you're one of those really tiresome people who gets all the shopping done in September and tortures the rest of us by reminding us of that fact ad infinitum until we're forced to plot your slow, painful deaths while we're scrounging for last-minute gifts at a convenience store on Christmas morning. But we digress.

Anyway, the point we wanted to make is that many of you are still in the market for a gift for that certain special someone: the love of your life, your soul mate, your life partner, the one who completes you, the person who sends your heart racing, your smoochie-kitten, whatever. And for that certain special someone, you obviously want to get something that is, in the words of the immortal Shakespeare himself, "romantic as all git-out." As we all know from intense study of The Flintstones, spouses and significant others generally aren't pleased when you get them practical presents like a baby elephant vacuum cleaner or a porcupine dish scrubber. They want prezzies that make them feel all smoochy and stuff, like the time Fred bought Wilma a genuine Stoneway piano from 88-Fingers Louie. The problem is, few of us are as smooth as Fred, and the romantically-challenged need to buy gifts, too. They're probably at a loss as to what to buy for their honeys this year.

AtAT to the rescue! Or, rather, faithful viewer Kevin to the rescue-- because he forwarded us the results of a Yahoo! search for gift ideas matching the keywords "female," "adult," and "romantic." At first we found the list of twenty-eight gift recommendations rather inappropriate; "Rose Petal & Branches Duet Candles"? Yeah, that'll bring the ladies a-runnin'. But that's when we saw it: the most romantic gift ever created in the history of true love. Right next to the "Language Embroidered Eagle Cashmere Sweater" and right underneath the "Velvet Vase With Feather Boa" (!) sits the gift that's sure to get you plastered with wet, sloppy kisses when you give it to your sweetie-- the Power Mac G4 Cube. C'mon, it's a supercomputer in an eight-inch cube! How can you miss? So get out there, Romeo, and get your squeeze a Cube. You won't regret it. And no keeping it for yourself.

Is it any wonder that the only interesting news on the 'net today hails from overseas? Everyone in the U.S. is too busy digesting obscene amounts of Thanksgiving food to tend to the business of updating web sites with fresh and vibrant content. That's why faithful viewer Kai Dambergs forwarded us an article from The Register; they're in England, you know, so they don't have Thanksgiving-- generally speaking, four hundred years ago their ancestors religiously oppressed our ancestors, who then got on a boat, came over here, and sat down to a hefty meal with a bunch of hospitable Native Americans who were, in retrospect, far too charitable for their own good. Which is why today those English Register blokes are happily and unbloatedly churning out humorous commentary while we yanks are all sitting around taking bets on whose stomach will pop first.

Oh yeah, the article. Well, basically it's poking fun at Microsoft for its bald attempts to persuade PC manufacturers to avoid selling "naked PCs." No, it's not some moralistic push to ensure that all computers are appropriately clad in demure and modest attire, though that wouldn't be all that much sillier. "Naked PC" is Microsoft's oh-so-subtly alarmist term for a computer that's sold without an operating system. According to Microsoft's web page about the dangers of "naked PCs," companies that are evil enough to sell their customers computers sans Windows are recklessly exposing them to "the risk of acquiring pirated operating systems" and all the "legal risks, viruses, and frustrating technical troubles" that follow. Oh no! (And by the way, it's definitely not just some self-serving effort to sell people software they don't want. Shame on you for thinking such a thing.)

Even better, Microsoft left a previous draft of the same document available on its public server, and that version is a lot less charitable. Instead of implying that customers who buy "naked PCs" are naïve marks just waiting to be exploited by nasty software pirates who target those who don't know any better, the earlier draft basically flat-out accuses those customers of (gasp!) intending to "illegally acquire and install operating systems." Well, whaddaya know-- suddenly this is starting to sound like a self-serving Microsoft propaganda push. Well, now we're all disillusioned-- and right at the start of the holidays, too. To think, Microsoft isn't really concerned for our well-being after all, just as long as it gets its licensing fees! Why, we're so depressed to discover that Microsoft isn't actually looking out for us, we think we'll have another slice of pie. Maybe two. Excuse us...