Oooh, if the twists and turns in this plotline get any wackier, we're leasing it out to Six Flags as the hot new summer ride. To recap: on Thursday, we somewhat skeptically noted that a spokesperson for Apple's Taiwanese manufacturing contractor spilled the beans about yet another new iBook due in July, sporting a wider screen and a choice of enclosure colors. (In other words, "new iBook.") But then on Friday we told you that Apple had uncharacteristically gone on record to deny those claims, calling them "incorrect" and "not true." (In other words, "no new iBook.") And what should the weekend bring, you ask? Why, nothing less than a claim that both factions are right, sort of. (So now it's "there's a new iBook but possibly not and we're not being indecisive"... or, put more succinctly, "splunge.")

Yes, just to muddy the waters a bit more, Go2Mac recently leapt into the fray with a claim that the Alpha-Top spokesperson was, in fact, not high on low-grade crack, and was actually referring to a real, honest-to-goodness Apple portable. However, said portable is "technically" not an iBook; Go2Mac is referring to it as "Son of Pismo." Reportedly this mysterious third laptop will "sit neatly" between Apple's shipping consumer and pro road machines, boasting a 14-inch display, a G3 processor, and a $2000 price tag. It's apparently supposed to be Pismo guts stuffed into a thinner "new 2001 enclosure," and it's currently rehearsing and nursing its part so that everything will go swimmingly when it joins Uncle Steve onstage at Macworld Expo in July.

Personally, we're not entirely sure what to make of this. On the one hand, as happy Pismo owners, we'd be proud to see the product live on in some form in Apple's line-up. On the other hand, the last time Apple introduced a system to "sit neatly" between its consumer and pro models, all hell broke loose. Considering that a brand-new, top-of-the-line $1799 iBook has almost everything a Pismo has to offer (minus a physically larger screen, a second FireWire Port, dual-monitor support, removable media bays, PC card slots, and a few other minor niceties which Apple would probably strip out since they don't even grace the top-of-the-line PowerBook), we're a little iffy on just who would shell out $200 more for a repackaged Pismo and wouldn't be willing to make the $700 jump to a PowerBook G4 instead. And that has us a smidge worried, because while it's not a perfect reflection of the original Cube-shopper's dilemma (for what you get, the rumored price isn't quite as scary as the Cube's was), it's probably close enough to inflame the ulcers of the shareholders.

All we can say is, if Apple is seriously planning to bridge its pro and consumer portables with a third product, we sincerely hope that it has a very specific market in mind this time around-- and that "Son of Pismo" has one or two very compelling features that will attract buyers that wouldn't otherwise just get a PowerBook instead. Not that earnings warnings and swelling channel inventory aren't exciting, mind you, but we think we're still full from our last meal of that particular brand of drama.

Regular viewers of our little show are already well aware that Verizon doesn't exactly hold a spot on AtAT's fabled Wall of Coolness. In fact, ever since those guys arbitrarily stole two-thirds of our bandwidth without so much as an apology (let alone any reasonable attempt to give it back), we started a Nixonesque "enemies list" just to have a good place to stick Verizon's name. We spend our voluminous spare time during commercial breaks cursing the Big V and looking for unflattering anagrams of "Verizon Communications." (We're not having much luck so far, though "Venomous Zinc Mortician" has a somewhat ominous ring to it.)

So how, exactly, were we meant to react when faithful viewer Greg Hill pointed out a VARBusiness article about how the Evil Red V plans to bolster its business systems with "more than 600 Macintosh G4 installations throughout the United States"? It's not a joke, people; Verizon evidently wants to use Macs to run its business. Needless to say, we were torn on the matter. It's certainly nice that Apple will be selling more Macs, and into a traditionally Mac-hostile market, to boot (the article refers to "Apple's efforts to crack the enterprise market," which was good for a hearty chortle or two). At the same time, however, the thought of Verizon furthering its patently transparent anti-AtAT agenda by using our own beloved Mac platform against us was enough to make us quiver with rage.

The obvious scenario in place here is so dark and disturbing, we're trying not to dwell on it: it's so extremely unlikely that Verizon would actually choose to use Macs voluntarily, our more paranoid sides can't help but wonder about complicity between Verizon and Apple. Did Steve offer Verizon a good deal on a slew of Macs and free tech support in exchange for hobbling the efforts of a small Mac soap opera who occasionally shows Apple's CEO in a less-than-flattering light? One little snip with a pair of wirecutters, and blammo, AtAT's running at 33% capacity. Subtle. Very subtle.

Eventually, though, cooler heads prevailed, and we decided to look at things in the most positive light possible. Here's now we see things going down: Verizon saw the light and really did decide to buy Macs on its own. Apple sells more Macs to a very large and very visible corporation, thus blazing further inroads into the lucrative enterprise market. Meanwhile, the sudden influx of Macness turns Verizon back to the Light Side of the Force (what, you thought having James Earl Jones as a spokesperson was a coincidence? Granted, AT&T's the one with the Death Star-looking logo, but still...) and the company installs a free T3 directly into the AtAT studios to make amends. Sounds good, right? We're wai-ting...

Geez, what is it with people shooting at iMacs? One would think there'd be some sort of legislation against this behavior, especially after the hubbub that ensued last year after Epinions almost aired graphic footage of a poor, defenseless iMac getting shot to pieces by some brainstem with a handgun-- not as a cautionary tale illustrating the dangers of drug use during pregnancy and ensuing fetal brain damage, but as a commercial. (Presumably the intended message was, "if your misfiring synapses make you as dangerously ignorant as this wantonly destructive pituitary case, we want you to join the Epinions community!") The commercial never aired, but evidently the violence continues unabated.

See, faithful viewer Leesha pointed out an Ananova article about one of the many, many iMacs currently up for sale on eBay-- but this particular iMac lacks one crucial component: the CRT. Why? Because the monitor was "shot out with a pellet gun by a disgruntled student who was obviously not too fond of the luminescent iMac colors." Yet another shooting inspired solely by the color of a computer's skin-- when will the madness end? (When you consider that a computer run without a display is often referred to as "headless," the situation seems still grislier.)

Miraculously, this brave little iMac survived the student's rampage, even though it lost its CRT in the fracas. While the sellers are listing the system as being "only good for parts," they note that "the processor, motherboard, and everything else [other than the missing display] are in good working condition," having "suffered NO damage" in the shooting. That implies to us that by simply plugging in a standard VGA monitor, the winning bidder will have a perfectly serviceable 333 MHz G3 system eager to get off the disabled list. Or transplant its guts into a Marathon iRack, and you've got a spiffy rack-mount Mac server system for cheap.

If you're interested in taking home this inspiring survivor of adversity, though, get ready to bid; at broadcast time, this two-year-old iMac with a shot-out screen was already fetching $257.50, with over two days left in the auction to go. Now that's a Mac that holds its value!