Okay, enough keynote-bashing; we think we've gotten it out of our systems, and it was all in good fun anyway. We at AtAT are not actually nearly as bitter as the irony-impaired may have deduced from our most recent episodes, and in fact, despite everyone's high expectations for this Macworld Expo (Apple employees and CEO included, we're sure), the Cupertino crew has been working its collective heinie off for a ridiculously long time. Given all the cool stuff that Apple has brought us this year alone, the fact that new iMacs and a zippier version of Mac OS X are still at least a couple of months away is no reason to start making a teeny little black turtleneck sweater for your voodoo doll and reaching for the hatpins. Since the beginning of the year, Apple has released the titanium PowerBook G4, the Power Mac with SuperDrive, the new iBook, iTunes, iDVD and DVD Studio Pro, the long-awaited launch of Mac OS X, the first Apple retail stores, and probably a dozen other things we've forgotten to mention. What have you accomplished in the past seven months? All we did was work on the butt grooves in our couch.

At least some part of us looks at the current state of the economy and is glad that Apple isn't quite ready for The Big Push to all-new iMacs running Mac OS X 10.1. Frankly, right now the market sucks for an introduction like that. According to The Register, worldwide shipments of personal computers actually declined for the first time in fifteen years last quarter. No Apple handheld? Sure, we may want a PDA that can put the others to shame, but have you seen Palm's and Handspring's stock prices lately? You can bet that Apple wouldn't have posted a $61 million quarterly profit if it had been competing in the cutthroat PDA market as well. (According to MacNN, in response to an analyst question about Apple's intentions in the handheld market, Steve replied, "I'm not sure that's the funnest place to be right now." Talk about a master of understatement.)

Even the Expo itself is a reflection of how difficult things are out there right now; we keep hearing about record-breaking attendance, and that's as may be, but as far as exhibitors go, this has got to be the smallest Expo on the books. When even Adobe can't afford a booth, clearly times are tough-- and this is the first year we can remember when Apple isn't tossing t-shirts out to the crowd. Further cost-savings measures, perhaps? So here's our real, honest-to-goodness, no-irony-here, bottom-line take on the Big Keynote Letdown of 2001: cut the company a break. Apple is making an insane amount of progress despite a terrible market and economy, so try to remember what the company has managed to pull off against all odds.

Does this make us Apple apologists? You're damn skippy we're Apple apologists. Any company that's made our lives so much better over the years deserves a little partiality and special consideration when it stumbles a bit. Apple employees-- every single last one of 'em, from Steve Almighty to the part-time staff at the Apple retail stores-- are our heroes, plain and simple... because no matter how much the naysayers whine about the G4's lagging clock speed and how tired the current iMac design is looking, the simple fact of the matter is that while Dell is mindlessly building boxes and Microsoft is finding new and entertaining ways to violate antitrust statutes, Apple employees are changing the world, plain and simple.

This has been a public service announcement on behalf of the Save The Steve Foundation. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program of smart-ass remarks...

Part of the irony of Macworld Expo is this: during the very week when AtAT should be shining its brightest, the show actually broadcasts some of its worst episodes ever. They're short, or they're late (make that later), or they come across like they've been slapped together while the producers are sitting on a bus stuck in crosstown traffic. That's because we're trying to produce the show via dial-up in an unfamiliar location with a gazillion distractions all around while trying to cope with the added stress of travel and living out of a suitcase and doing all that on even less sleep than usual. We don't mind saying, it's a bit of a challenge.

It's because of that set of circumstances that we, your friendly neighborhood AtAT staff, still haven't even had a chance to listen to last Tuesday's quarterly earnings conference call yet. We're sure there are all sorts of fun little nuggets of interesting info buried therein, but we've simply been too busy to tune in so far. Thank heaven for MacNN, then, who skillfully compiled a handy list of fun conference call facts pertaining to everyone's favorite water cooler subject, the Apple retail initiative. Everybody knows that the opening weekend at the first two locations was a rousing success, but heck, given the Mac's loyal fan base, that was a given; the point of the stores isn't to cater to the faithful, but to convert the heathens that don't yet know the pleasure of the Macintosh way of life.

Well, the news is pretty much all good. In their first seven weeks in business, those two stores have served over 150,000 customers and are reporting "higher than expected sales and profits," and Apple execs are "very pleased" with the daily sales reports so far. Sales of third-party products and software are particularly impressive; Apple plans to double the number of software titles available at each location due to popular demand, so you can expect the shelves in Software Alley to get a little taller pretty soon. Apple is clearly doing retail right, because "both locations have become the highest-traffic stores" in their respective malls, with a stunning 89% of customers claiming to be either "extremely satisfied" or "very satisfied" with their shopping experience-- a statistic that bodes pretty darn well for the four new stores slated to open next month.

So if anything is going to pump up the Mac's market share numbers, we figure it's going to be the twenty-five retail stores that will be open and spreading the Mac gospel in time for the holiday shopping season. Get this: Apple expects more than half a million customers each and every week during the holiday season. That's a whole lotta eyeballs cruising for gift ideas. Now all the company needs is some low-priced LCD-based iMacs to hook the window shoppers before winter rolls around...

What the...?! Geez, we can't turn our backs for a second; we go on the road for a week, and before we know it, faithful viewer Rachel Azima is notifying us that the coveted "CEO of the Year" award has been given to none other than Mike Dell. This is no joke, people. Well, okay, yes, it is a joke-- but it's not a very funny one, and it's still true. Just check out this Associated Press story if you're still stuck in the denial stage.

Actually, if you have a weak stomach, you may want to skip that article entirely; seeing phrases like "ability to be a leader, to innovate and figure out new ways to create value" used to describe one of the industry's least original thinkers is likely to send the lunches back up the digestive tracts of at least a few of our more sensitive viewers. But hey, maybe this is the sort of public approval he's been seeking for so long, so perhaps now he'll stop stalking Steve Jobs and emulating his every move. And maybe Dell will try releasing a product or two that isn't a direct crib from Apple's product line of three months ago. Riiiiight.

Well, all we can say is that we hope Steve is secure enough in his CEOhood to let this snub roll off his back. Actually, now that we think of it, since the award is given based on the votes of actual CEOs like Steve himself, we wonder if perhaps our own beloved RDF-generator was campaigning for Mike instead of himself. Why? We couldn't say... unless perhaps Steve has a buddy who works in the plant that makes the awards. A little C4 packed in the hollow center, a miniature wireless receiver, and a detonator might figure heavily in the plan. If Dell gets blown to smithereens and witnesses spot a car without license plates parked across three handicapped parking spaces suddenly speeding away from the scene, we'll all know what the real story is.