We can now speak from experience: walking into an Apple retail store during a grand opening event is a trip. For us, we mean that both literally and figuratively, since we flew 900 miles from Boston to Chicago the night before, and boy were our arms tired. Sore wing muscles and a late arrival time notwithstanding, we still managed to drag our carcasses out of bed at six o'clock on a Saturday morning-- an hour clearly invented by an evil government agency bent on making this wonderful world an uglier and less-rested place-- and pilot a rented motor vehicle some seventeen miles from our luxurious Jacuzzi suite at the Days Inn to the Woodfield Mall, all without running over more than two or three small children in the process. (Well, it might have been more, but we were napping during the last three miles, so that doesn't count.)

When we arrived inside Woodfield's hallowed halls and made our way towards the Apple store, we discovered perhaps forty or fifty people already in line-- and at least four of them were wearing AtAT t-shirts. To witness such devotion to our little soap opera made us weep deeply and openly (or, at least, we would have done, if sleep deprivation had not sealed off our tear ducts tighter than a Ziploc freezer bag). We settled down for the wait and whiled away ninety minutes chatting with viewers who came by to say hi, distributing stickers, and establishing our alibi for when the Viewer Mail Police came a-knockin' due to us not having broadcast a new segment yet; just to prove we were indeed waiting at the Apple store opening and not sleeping in and slacking off, we shot a few seconds of video footage of the crowd, edited it on our PowerBook in iMovie, compressed it into QuickTime format, connected to the Apple store's T1 Internet connection via the wireless magic of AirPort, uploaded it to our iDisk, and posted a link to AtAT. Not five years ago, this stuff was sci-fi; now we're doing it sans electrical outlet in a mall. Thank you, Apple.

What of the store itself? Well, like we said, it's a trip-- when nine o'clock rolled around, we marched in to the lilting strains of "Love Shack" by the B-52s blaring over the store's speakers, and the staff applauded and high-fived the customers as we entered Retail Nirvana. We don't need to tell you what the store looks like physically, because you've seen all the pictures. However, it's one thing to see the photos on the 'net; standing there live amid all of Apple's latest hardware and software, all in good working order, and maintained by Apple reps radiating enough genuine enthusiasm to set most military-grade Geiger counters on fire... that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. The place was packed with Mac fans grooving at a retail love-in. In retrospect, you know what it was? It was a little slice of Macworld Expo preserved in a time-proof bubble and placed on display in a shopping center-- only with, if anything, even more energy and enthusiasm.

We were far too busy being the proverbial kids in the candy store to be bothered snapping photos or taking video footage, but that's quite all right, because plenty of others had the presence of mind to document the occasion. For stills, check out Adam Karneboge's gallery at MyMac.com and faithful viewer Carrie's collection of snaps. Incidentally, as far as we can make out, the AtAT staff doesn't appear in any of the photos-- anyone wearing an AtAT t-shirt is instead a loyal fan. But faithful viewer David M. Putney spied a brief glimpse of us in line roughly thirty seconds into Phased Reality's video footage, and there's a lovely shot of Jack's back (and Katie's front) about 2:15 into the Phase Shift video, as noticed by eagle-eyed faithful viewer Mike Zornek.

Eventually we felt we were overstaying our welcome, so we bought a couple of games we're never going to have time to play (just to get the free Apple logo notebooks with the purchase), collected our free t-shirts, and stumbled out. By the time we finally left, we were cleaned out of AtAT merchandise (just what we brought with us-- don't worry, there's still plenty more in the AtAT Store), the lapse of the adrenaline rush had us shaking like a pair of junkies, and we reluctantly dragged our trembling bodies out of there in search of coffee and something to raise our blood sugar. It was gratifying to see that the line still stretched all the way back to Watch Station. The high point? Probably getting to meet existing AtAT fans face to face-- and hooking new ones. We sold a pair of t-shirts to one woman who had never heard of our show, but was a huge fan of both Apple and some other show called "As the World Turns," so she was eager to buy. Go figure.

We'd like to extend special thanks both to the AtAT fans who showed up and said hi, and to the Chicagoland Apple employees who made Saturday a day to remember. It was a terrific, though draining, experience. Now we have a whole week to recover before we do it all over again...

Let's face it: we live in a world of dangerously skewed priorities. Take, for example, the hordes of morose children and teens preparing their imminent and sullen return to the halls of academia; as far as we can remember, just about the only good part of the end of summer vacation was the ritual of back-to-school shopping. (We mean "good" in the relative sense, of course, such as the way that a sharp stick in the eye feels "good" after one has used Windows all day long.) You could wheel that cart through the aisles, toss all kinds of junk in there, and if you intoned the magic phrase just right, it would be yours: "But moooommmmm, I need it for schooooool!"

Yes, that one phrase (perhaps augmented with a bit of extra embellishment) is the key to having your parents buy you a five-pound tub of Gummi Bears under the dubious category of "mandatory art supplies." But here's the part that's killing us: it's bad enough that Apple's sales are suffering because the economy is in the toilet and parents are cash-poor, but now it looks as though the back-to-school crowd doesn't even want their parents to shell out for new computers. According to an American Express survey, "students don't even rate personal computers on their 'must have' list." A Reuters article about how the PC industry probably won't see much of a back-to-school boost actually quotes an honest-to-goodness 17-year-old high school senior as saying, "I think most people I know are pretty satisfied with the [computers] they have."

If that's true, then the worst is still ahead of us, people. Everyone knows that the whole PC industry-- nay, our entire economy-- is predicated on the basis that consumers are never satisfied with what they already have. If high school seniors are actually accepting last year's computer without pestering their parents for an upgrade during the one time of year when they have carte blanche to beg for anything that might even remotely be connected with academic performance, well, then someone call Greenspan and tell him it's all over.

How will this affect Apple? Good question. After all, Apple has been pushing the new iBook hard as a cool "digital hub" that also just happens to be perfect for school. Well, here's Apple money dude Fred Anderson on this year's back-to-school season: "Normally you do get a little bit of a seasonal bounce with back to school, but we think it is prudent not to count on that this year." D'oh! Between lack of money and apparent lack of interest on the part of schoolkids and their families, Apple may have to tough out this sales lull along with everyone else. But if you ask us, the fact that kids aren't using the "Back To School Parental Purchase Loophole" to try and score new computers is just another sign that it's the beginning of the end.

Holy yikes, are you still holding out for a new Apple handheld?! Geez, we were the die-hards, and we gave in and bought Palms and Visors ages ago! Eventually you just have to face facts; when there's no hard evidence that a company is working on a product, and then a company bigwig publicly states outright that said company is not working on a product, and then the company's fearless leader even goes so far as to say that the market for similar products is not viable at this time, well, maybe it's time to break down and shop elsewhere.

If you're finally ready to let the dream die, take heart; while Apple still hasn't yet returned to the PDA market it created with the Newton back in 1993 (and, by its own admission, isn't planning to do so anytime soon), at least you can get a handheld with Apple people behind it. We've always known that Palm has had a heavy concentration of ex-Apple employees in the past, but faithful viewer Mark Powell just pointed out a CNET article which indicates that the company is simply lousy with 'em. Today Palm announced that the chief of its newly-split-off operating system subsidiary will be one David Nagel-- the guy who headed up Copland before that expensive and abortive attempt at a next-generation Mac OS was mercifully put out of its misery.

But wait, it gets better: the Chief Technology Officer reporting to Nagel is to be Steve Sakoman-- apparently a former head of the Newton project before he went over to Be. (Don't forget that Be was founded by ex-Apple dude Jean-Louis Gassée-- and that its operating system almost formed the basis for what turned out to be Mac OS X after Apple bailed on Nagel's Copland, but now is apparently going to form a framework for the next-generation Palm OS instead.) Toss in ex-Apple employees Doug Solomon (Palm's "chief strategy officer") and Satjiv Chahil (Palm's marketing czar), and you've got a handheld company that's pretty much being run by former Apple people anyway.

So if you're through with the whole "Apple handheld" rumor but you need a new conspiracy theory to take its place, how about this? Maybe the elimination of the Newton was just a smokescreen, and Apple is infiltrating the PDA market leader with a number of strategically-placed "ex-" employees in preparation for a takedown from within. Hey, it'll give you something to ponder while you comparison-shop for a non-Apple PDA...