Remember how Microsoft recently offered to settle a couple hundred private antitrust suits potentially worth some $12.5 billion by donating $1.6 billion in refurbished computers, software, and services to the nation's "poorest schools"? Yes, it was a baldfaced attempt to turn what should be a penalty for abusing monopoly power into a cheap and easy grab for yet more market share. As such, that settlement proposal is the latest and most obvious piece of evidence that Microsoft thinks the rest of the world is suffering from massive head wounds. Then again, who can blame them for thinking so? After all, 90% of the world is using Windows; we're hard-pressed to come up with a better explanation for that statistic than widespread cranial trauma.

But we digress. You probably also recall that Steve Jobs was among those who found Microsoft's proposal just slightly... incongruous with the whole "antitrust punishment" angle. Being the quintessential diplomat (at least, when he wants to be), the man generally keeps his yap shut about Redmond antitrust issues, but when suddenly faced with the possibility of a billion-dollar tidal wave of Windows, Office, and Outlook crashing through our schools and wiping out one of Apple's last market strongholds, Steve issued a cautious statement of protest last week, stating that he was "baffled" as to how handing Microsoft a new market on a silver platter constituted any sort of penalty for breaking the law.

Now, see, we thought that was the end of it as far as Apple was concerned-- and certainly Steve's short statement attracted a whole mess of media attention, so we figured that Apple had made its point and moved on. Evidently we were wrong, though, because faithful viewer GUMBY informs us that Apple plans to file a supplemental brief tomorrow morning in hopes of persuading the judge to reject the proposal. According to Reuters, one of El Steve-O's big points will be that $830 million of that $1.6 billion settlement consists of free Microsoft software-- which, in reality, doesn't cost anywhere near that much to reproduce. In his own divine words, "We think people should know that the actual costs to Microsoft for this donated software will likely be under $1 million." Mmmm, you just gotta love that 100,000% markup!

So instead of letting Microsoft get off cheap by donating software valued at full retail price (yet costing only pennies to reproduce), Steve proposes the same idea we rattled off last week: make Redmond cough up the cash and let the schools decide what they want to buy with it. By our count, shelling out $1.6 billion in cash to settle hundreds of cases worth up to $12.5 billion is still a great deal-- especially for a company with pockets as deep as Microsoft's. Heck, if it were up to us, we'd tack another billion or two on there just to smack Microsoft around for proposing such a weasel-headed settlement in the first place. We'll see soon enough if the judge bites.

Still waiting for Apple to ship a new handheld device? Well, we can't say we're all that surprised... after all, there are still people waiting for "The Powers of Matthew Star" to get put back on the air. Waiting for interminable lengths of time and hoping against hope just happen to be a couple of things at which the human animal excels-- and since it's really only been about three and a half years since the Newton got nuked, it's probably only natural that many of us still haven't let go.

So what if we told you that a certain personality virtually synonymous with "Apple" is indeed involved in the crafting of a super-slick consumer-oriented handheld electronic device? And no, we're not talking about the iPod, which, granted, is technically a "handheld electronic device"-- but we're focusing more on PDA-y/wireless network-y functions, not the ability to stuff the entire Bee Gees repertoire into one's hip pocket. As it turns out, there's an exciting new PDA-type product in the works, and it's completely free of the direct influence of Steve Jobs; we were actually talking about the other Steve before. (No, not Ballmer. Yeesh. And people say we've got Ballmer on the brain...)

For those who haven't clued in yet (or, uh, read the title of this scene), we're talking about Steve Wozniak. The Woz. The cofounder of Apple who isn't known for firing people in elevators and parking across three handicapped spots. The one who handled the tech while Jobs handled the marketing and the shmoozing. Captain Us Festival. Yup, according to faithful viewer KermitTheLog, The Register is reporting that Woz has just joined the board of directors of Danger, Inc.-- a company working on a slick combination mobile phone/PDA "hiptop" thingy apparently targeted at the consumer market.

Woz is in good company over there, as Danger was reportedly founded by "former Apple staff" including folks who worked on the PowerPC and the PowerBook 150. In the press release announcing Woz's arrival, Woz remarks that "Danger embodies the excitement, enthusiasm, and passion that innovative technology is capable of producing. It reminds me of Apple's early days and the focus on building products easy enough for anyone to use." Sing it, brother. The Danger hiptop is slated to ship early next year, so if you're jonesing for a wireless handheld/phone with Apple-ish flair and ease of use, keep an eye on Woz's new project. Because we doubt we're going to see an actual Apple-branded equivalent anytime soon.

Those of you who obsess about keeping your software up to date are doubtless already aware of the fact that Mac OS 9.2.2 is now available via the "Software Update" control panel and direct download via VersionTracker. According to Apple, this update "improves Classic application compatibility in Mac OS X and delivers updated support for Macintosh systems that are based on the PowerPC G3 or G4 processor." Sounds nifty. Seeing as our only 9.2.1 system is used pretty much exclusively for Classic (and MacFixIt has yet to report any fun stories along the lines of "this update erased two of my disk partitions and set fire to my dog"), we went ahead and did the 9.2.2 thing last night. We're happy to report that we emerged unscathed-- although we did experience a nasty crash while running a Classic app earlier today. Coincidence?

Maybe not. We've just found out that 9.2.2 apparently packs some dangerous stuff under the hood; faithful viewer FishMan tipped us off to the 9.2.2 Export Compliance Agreement, and there are definitely some noteworthy clauses in there that you might miss if you're the type who always clicks "I Agree" without reading through all the legalese. Did you know that you're agreeing not to export 9.2.2 to "Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Serbia, Sudan, Syria, or Taliban-controlled Afghanistan," and that you're not a "national or resident" of those countries? Furthermore, were you aware that you were also agreeing not to use 9.2.2 for "the development, design, manufacture or production of nuclear missiles or chemical or biological weapons"? Bummer for bin Laden and whoever's cranking out that weaponized anthrax.

Sane individuals will surely realize that clauses such as these probably exist in most "click-through" download agreements in this country; still, we can't help wondering whether there's something about Apple software that makes it somehow better-suited for use in the creation of massively destructive technologies. (What about the bomb icon in the "System Error" dialog box? Or the use of the radiation symbol as the "Burn Disc" button in iTunes?) The connection between this intriguing possibility and Steve Jobs's megalomaniacal plans for world domination is left as an exercise for the viewer.