Man, what better way to kick off a weekend than with a goofy rumor of an imminent Apple buyout hanging over our heads? Okay, granted, maybe it'd be a little bit niftier if the alleged buyee was none other than Disney; after all, we've got a weakness for the classics. But even though Uncle Walt and the mouse with the freaky ears are, sadly, nowhere to be seen this time around, we're still grateful to whatever twisted mind decided to concoct a scenario in which the mothership gets bought out by-- are you ready for this, kids?-- IBM. Ouch! How's that for a dose of rumorological whimsy?

Don't get too excited, though, since the only basis we've yet seen for this fleshcrawling merger madness is a single rumor posted by Northern Light and pointed out by faithful viewer googe; all it says is that some outfit calling itself JAGNotes.com has reported a rumor that "a $45 a share bid" will soon have Big Blue looking to turn our Cupertino crusaders into-- well, the Big Apple. No other info is given, other than the fact that "neither company was available for comment."

Now, we don't pretend to know Thing One about JAGNotes.com, other than it helpfully identifies itself as "your source for ahead of the market information" (uh-huh) and can't seem to decide on a standard way to capitalize its own name, since we count no fewer than four variations on its homepage alone. That doesn't exactly constitute a scathing indictment of the site's credibility, but neither does it have us eager to check our skepticism at the door and embrace the inevitable coming of International Business Macs. And the complete and utter lack of any evidence to support the rumor doesn't help us much, either. (By the way, no, the official "Jobs at IBM" page isn't referring to Steve in a suit.)

Still, it's a nice rumor for a quick kick in the gut, as it were; Macophiles whose allegiance to the platform predates the once-unholy partnership of Apple and IBM with Motorola as the PowerPC AIM alliance may be receiving the largest adrenal bursts, since in the '80s IBM was "the" enemy, long before Microsoft took over the role. However, despite our usual willingness to embrace unfounded whispers with little or no foundation in our common plane of existence, we think we're going to choose to appreciate this rumor entirely on its merits as a Dadaist conceptual travesty-- at least until we hear some scrap of evidence that the whole thing didn't just originate from Lou Gerstner describing his preference in pie types.

If you're still mourning the apparent quiet retirement of Apple's long-running "Think different" marketing campaign, you might be finding it tough to let go-- but it may be time. Wearing a black armband to commemorate an advertising phrase can get you tossed in the looney bin in some states, and we can pretty much guarantee that your boss isn't too keen on the funeral veil. Besides, it looks like Apple itself may have picked up and moved on, because as faithful viewer William Bonde informs us, there's a new slogan gracing Apple's web site: "Everything is easier on a Mac."

Word on the street is that Apple resellers are already receiving brochures featuring the new slogan, complete with scads of examples of the Mac's highly-touted ease of use just like the ones on Apple's web site. (Actually, it looks to us like that page may still be something of a work in progress, since under "Sending email," Apple included the confusing line, "Set up to get your Serve your own Web site." But we hear the brochures are pretty nifty, all told.)

For what it's worth, maybe it's just us, but somehow the new slogan seems to lack a certain... pizzazz. "Think different" was nice because it worked on several levels; granted, it was a little touchy-feely, but we always felt that its conciseness, quirkiness, and strength swirled together just right to give it some real punch. "Everything is easier on a Mac": it's a simple, straightforward statement of fact, but there's nothing there to chew on; it lacks poetry. Then again, maybe that's exactly what Apple needs these days: since the different-thinkers are already hooked, it's time to move on to the masses with a marketing message even a four-year-old can grasp. Your mileage may vary.

Meanwhile, our own sources indicate that Microsoft is considering filing suit against Apple, on the grounds that the new slogan is misleading and false. Negotiations between the two companies are ongoing but strained, as Microsoft reportedly wants Apple to amend its slogan to the more strictly accurate "Everything is easier on a Mac, except getting infected by nasty viruses that automatically email themselves to your friends"; Apple, on the other hand, admits that the proposed amendment does indeed make the slogan more accurate, but contends that the new, longer version would look really stupid on a promotional desk clock. We'll keep you posted on how this all turns out.

Sheesh, for a company with a name that sounds like one of Superman's easygoing uncles from back on Krypton, Enron sure has managed to get a lot of people spooked. We haven't really discussed the whole sordid affair here before, because fortunately it never had much direct bearing on our own isolated little realm of drama. Suddenly, though, that's all changing; now there's a widespread concern that other corporate bean-counters may not be properly counting them beans. Why, just today, faithful viewer Eric Broadhurst notified us that the accounting practices of nVIDIA, Apple's current graphics chip manufacturer of choice, are under investigation by the SEC. Enronitis: it's an epidemic, and so far there's no greaseless topical cream to treat it.

The reason this is such a bummer-- aside from all those people who lost their life savings, of course-- is that the ensuing justified paranoia has led to one spectacularly uninteresting press release from Apple itself. We knew we were in for some Z's when we saw the title-- "Apple Adopts New Auditors Policy"-- but we forged bravely ahead anyway. It seems that in light of the current widespread concern about numerical funniness making its way into the company books, Apple has seen fit to "make it crystal clear to [its] shareholders" that no such shenanigans are happening in Cupertino. To that end, to help ensure that Apple doesn't go down in a stupendous Enronesque blaze of corruption, the company now "bans its auditors from performing non-financial consulting, such as information technology consulting and internal audit services."

Now, don't get us wrong-- we applaud what Apple's trying to do, here. Heck, as investors ourselves, we here at the AtAT compound are grateful for Apple's attempt to make us feel as comfortable as possible about the company's financial practices. However, we would like to make one teensy little request: in the future, if such dry subject matter absolutely needs to go into a press release, we'd really appreciate it if Apple could mix in a little extra drama, just to keep us awake as we slog through the dull stuff. You know, something along the lines of "Apple Adopts New Auditors Policy While Steve Jobs Juggles Two Butcher Knives and a Chainsaw." Just a suggestion.