And thus are we reduced to this: things are so eerily quiet in the Mac realm right now, we're actually going to try to wrench a drop or two of drama out of the fact that the keynote address at this month's Macworld Expo Tokyo will be delivered by-- and make sure your insurance is all paid up and you've got a wallet handy to bite down on lest you swallow your own tongue in shock-- Steve Jobs himself. (Hey, it's either this, or another massive rambling screed about monumentally off-topic developments in the "Redmond Justice" trial-- and we're pretty sure that running two of those back to back would get us shot at.)

Yes, faithful viewer Darcy informs us that the big news today (as reported by The Mac Observer and several other sites trying their best to ride out the drought) is that IDG Expos has officially confirmed what all but the most overcautious Mac fans had already assumed as a virtual certainty: the March 21st keynote will provide a hefty dollop of live Steveness for those lucky enough to be attending. Of course, since Steve delivering Expo keynotes-- even the Tokyo ones-- has pretty much been the status quo, this serves as a classic example of "Dog Bites Man" anti-news (now, "Keynote To Be Delivered By Singing Chicken And 8 oz. Bag of Fritos," that would be news, baby), but at this point, we'll take anything we can get. These are lean times, people. We are not proud.

And anyway, it's not like it was guaranteed that Steve would agree to haul his butt up onstage in a couple of weeks' time. For one thing, flying to Japan from Cupertino isn't exactly a walk in the park, private jet or no private jet-- and the time difference can't be too much fun, either. Add to that the fact that Steve has been known to cancel in-person keynote gigs at even domestic Expos for such frivolous alleged reasons as the imminent birth of his own children (well, okay, he eventually showed up anyway, but that's beside the point), and maybe you can appreciate that a Tokyo Stevenote was by no means a sure thing.

So there you have it: Steve's going to do the honors, thus sharing the many healthful benefits of Reality Distortion exposure to an audience in the Land of the Rising Sun. As for what he's going to talk about (especially in light of the fact that Apple has already announced that new Macs aren't in the cards), we're pretty much just expecting an encore performance of last January's San Francisco gig, with maybe a few small happy surprises thrown in-- perhaps a new iPod, or an iPhoto update or something. But hey, don't sweat the material; when all's said and done, the show is all about the man. Still, we hope he does something interesting, because if this news drought is still in full force two weeks from tomorrow, we're going to have to start broadcasting scenes consisting of nothing more than the word "flange" repeated 600 times.

It's been two whole months since His Steveness (or, ahem, Time Magazine) first unveiled the new LCD-based iMac to a waiting world, and if the planet has changed since then, it's remained the same in one very crucial way: iMacs are still darn near impossible for dealers to get on their shelves. Sure, two of the three models are "now shipping," but as far as we can tell, most customers who actually have one in their homes either had placed a pre-order at the Apple Store shortly after the introduction or picked one up at one of Apple's own retail stores; most third-party resellers have amassed waiting lists for thirty iMacs and have received, say, four. A quick peek at MacReviewZone's iMac price tracker reveals that none of the major online vendors profiled has any in stock, and we don't expect that to change much for a while yet.

Clearly iMacs are harder to come by than a flattering photo of Steve Ballmer, but what's the hold-up? Well, Merrill Lynch claims it's a "radiation problem," other reports hint at some kind of firmware error, and now CNET says that an LCD panel shortage is messing things up-- but everyone agrees that some sort of production issue is obviously keeping iMacs tough to come by. How tough? CNET has some ugly numbers: distributor Ingram Micro "had nearly 3,300 unfulfilled dealer orders for the high-end model... but only 43 units in stock and 250 in transit from Apple, according to its March 4 report," constituting a backlog of "18.6 weeks." Between them, Ingram and Tech Data (the two major distributors that carry Apple products) "had received only 1,326 high-end iMacs by March 4." Yeeeooowwwch. There's clearly a lot of catching up to do, here.

Meanwhile, if you're in the market for a new iMac and you don't feel like waiting for four months to get your hands on one, right now it sounds to us like your best bet is to call every Apple retail store within driving distance and ask about availability, because apparently some stores have literally dozens in stock and ready to wheel out to your car once you fork over the requisite amount of cash. Given this fact, we're reasonably certain that iMac-starved resellers are even now grabbing pitchforks, torches, and noose-rope and preparing to descend upon Cupertino as an angry lynch mob (as opposed to those polite and well-mannered lynch mobs we see so often these days). Sounds to us like that whole "we promise, our retail stores won't have unfair access to product" thing needs a little work...

Hey, speaking of nearby Apple retail stores, do you happen to live in the vicinity of the CambridgeSide, Tysons Corner, Valley Fair, or Glendale Galleria locations? Because if you do, you might just want to let the TiVo grab your action-packed evening of Must-See TV tomorrow night and plan on being at your local Gapple instead; faithful viewer Justin Roman Resuello reminded us about Apple's "Wired Weekend," which officially kicks off at 6 PM tomorrow in those four stores. (Hmmmm, a weekend starting on Thursday evening... Might Apple need a little visit from the Work Ethic Fairy? No wonder there aren't enough iMacs to go around...)

As for what this "Wired Weekend" is and why you'd want to miss more post-Sweeps Rachel-Joey angst on "Friends" to be there, well, basically Apple is pushing its latest iApp by devoting this weekend to teaching you everything about "the latest in digital technology from Apple, including the revolutionary iPhoto." If you've got one, Apple even invites you to bring your own digital camera (and cable) to give it all a try. (We're tempted to show up with our QuickTake 150 and its DIN-8 serial cable just to cause a scene.) The interesting bit, though, is that Apple plans to offer "discounts on your favorite printers and digital cameras"-- and the really interesting bit is that they'll apparently be giving away a few digital cameras to lucky shoppers throughout the weekend. The big score, however, comes during the Thursday night kick-off event, at which each store will be giving away an iBook. So is the chance at a free iBook reason enough to miss "Will & Grace"? That's up to you to decide.

We're not entirely clear on why three days of heavy iPhoto demos complete with fabulous prizes qualifies as a "Wired Weekend," but there is a Wired Magazine logo on Apple's web page describing the event. What's more, faithful viewer Jollyroj tells us that he received a postcard in the mail inviting him to this event a few days ago, apparently because he just happens to be a Wired subscriber. So evidently Apple and Wired have some kind of arrangement worked out whereby Apple gets to peek at Wired's subscriber list and Wired gets to see its name confusingly incorporated into an Apple promotion about digital cameras. Hey, just so long as everyone's happy.

By the way, if any of you wins an iBook because we told you about this, we expect a kickback. A box of Dark Chocolate Vegan Soy Truffles from XOX should do the trick. And you're welcome.