All we can say is, if Steve Jobs isn't grinning so widely that his head is dangerously close to flopping completely open at the jaw-hinge, he's got waaaaay more self-control than we do. On the off-chance that you haven't seen the press release yet, allow us to break the insanely great news: Apple just reported a Q1 profit of $295 million-- over 40 percent better than the analyst consensus-- on revenue of a whopping $3.49 billion. Folks, that's not just better than anyone expected; that's better than Apple has ever done in a single quarter. Ever. For both profit and revenue. Something tells us the champagne is flowing freely in the streets of Cupertino tonight.

Better yet, the outlook for the rest of the year looks pretty darn rosy, too. Sure, revenues are expected to dip to "only" $2.9 billion this quarter, but that can't be avoided without adding another Christmas to the end of March. And if you tune in to the replay of the earnings conference call (or just read MacMinute's summary), you'll see that there's plenty else to smile about. For instance, Apple sold over a million Macs last quarter-- the most in four years. Apple's pro Mac sales may have dipped a bit, but 35 percent higher iBook sales and a year-over-year doubling of iMac and eMac shipments plenty makes up for that. Over 4.5 million iPods shipped, representing $1.2 billion in revenue and a 525 percent increase from the year-ago quarter. Meanwhile, retail remains busy and profitable, education sales were Apple's "strongest in 7 years," and the company now has about $6.5 billion in cash to whip out should the need arise.

In fact, the news was so good that Apple's stock even managed to buck the traditional "sell on news" after-hours decline that typically afflicts AAPL even when the company beats the Street; instead, Apple's best quarter ever sparked a massive run-up in extended trading, with AAPL finally settling in at a hair over $73 per share, up $7.69 from the day's close. (Mwaaaahahahaha! They called us mad when we bought more shares at $63.50 last week!)

Technically after-hours stock prices don't count, but if you bend the rules a smidge, that means Apple reported its best quarter in history on the same day that its stock hit its highest price ever. It may all evaporate in profit-taking before tomorrow's trading opens, but hey, it still counts in our book. So there's lots for Apple's employees (and customers!) to feel proud about right now, and we're just hoping that everyone takes a moment to pat themselves on the back before they dive right back into debugging Tiger and rigging elaborately weird cooling systems destined for the eventual PowerBook G5.

Meanwhile, there's one other person who should be proud: faithful viewer Scott Kennedy, the winner of our quarterly Beat The Analysts contest, who magically pegged Apple's Q1 profit at $295 million on the nose. We'll be contacting him shortly to find out if he'd rather receive a free AtAT shirt, or some two-shades-past-crusty software from our Baffling Vault of Antiquity™. Congrats, Scott! And in fact, come to think of it, BTA entrants on average predicted Apple's profit to be roughly $234.5 million-- way off, but still $42.5 million closer than those overpaid Wall Street analysts had expected, so AtAT viewers overall ought to feel pretty good today, too. Have a cookie or something. And if you missed your shot at greatness, start honing your predictive skills now, because the next earnings report-- and contest-- is less than three months away. So get cracking!

All this Stevenote hoopla sure is distracting, doesn't it? Amid all the hype for the iPod shuffle, the Mac mini, iWork, the latest version of iLife, and everything else, it's all too easy to lose sight of what's really important in the world of Apple these days. And sticking the keynote announcements back-to-back with Apple's best quarterly earnings report in history isn't helping! What with record-breaking profits and revenue and Apple's skyrocketing stock price, why, we ourselves are finding it increasingly difficult to focus on what really matters: litigation. But we have to tough it out and keep our eyes on the prize, people, because these lawsuits aren't going to appreciate themselves.

We know it all happened pre-Stevenote and all, but do you remember that spate of trade secret lawsuits Apple filed over the course of the last few weeks to smack down those who dared leak unannounced product details to the press and public? Well, faithful viewer Kory informed us that something interesting has transpired in the most recent suit: according to an article in the Harvard Crimson, in the course of suing long-standing rumor site Think Secret (who published specifics about the Mac mini, the iPod shuffle, and iWork well in advance of the Stevenote), Apple has discovered that the "Nick dePlume" who has run it since its inception six years ago is, in reality, one Nicholas M. Ciarelli-- a nineteen-year-old undergrad at Harvard. (If you hadn't realized that "Nick dePlume" was a pseudonym, honestly, you're just not trying.)

The fact that the Big Evil behind Think Secret has turned out to be a teenager (and one who built one of the best-known and most accurate Mac rumor sites from the ripe old age of 13) is a plot twist worthy of mention, because the public usually forgets that Apple is compelled by law to protect its trade secrets by slapping these lawsuits around, or else it could wind up royally boned in the future, legally speaking. The Mac community at large, however, was already miffed with Apple for siccing its lawyers on someone who was clearly a Mac fan and "one of their own"; now that the target has turned out to be "just a kid" who can't afford a lawyer, we won't be surprised in the slightest if public opinion weighs even more heavily on Nick's side.

There's just one problem: as far as our non-lawyering selves can tell, Apple may well have an open and shut case. While Nick claims that he uses "the same legal newsgathering practices used by any other journalist," under California law, those typically "legal newsgathering practices" aren't legal if he specifically solicited information deemed to be corporate trade secrets-- and since the Think Secret site asks people with "insider news" to share it, he might well be liable as a "contributory infringer" for inducing others to leak. Moreover, even if Nick didn't induce anyone to reveal trade secrets, he's apparently in trouble simply for having knowingly posted them publicly. Under the Uniform Trade Secrets Act, it's "wrongful to acquire or publish without authorization information you know or have a reasonable basis to know is a trade secret of another." And if Nick tries to claim that he didn't realize that Mac mini and iPod shuffle specs were trade secrets, the jury may need medical attention by the time they finally stop laughing.

So we don't know how this'll all play out, but given the potential for bad publicity on one side and financial ruin on the other, we expect that a settlement is in the offing. Here's hoping that both sides emerge without too many bruises. And Nick, if you're watching: we can't offer any legal aid, but now that we know you're a local, maybe we can at least spring for lunch sometime. But promise us you won't talk shop, okay? The last thing we need is to incorporate a plot element that'll get us slapped in irons, too.

Folks, we know that you're in crisis, here-- and really, who wouldn't be? Now that you've ordered a $499 Mac mini (hey, at that price, who hasn't?) and it comes without a mouse, keyboard, or display, you're at a loss as to which mouse, keyboard, and display to order to go with it. Sure, Apple left out those vital peripherals primarily so that Wintel users could keep costs down by reusing their existing gear, but as a Mac user who does need new ones to go along with your new mini purchase, somehow finally not being stuck with the standard see-thru "pro" keyboard and no-button mouse is such an unaccustomed dose of freedom that it seems practically criminal to do something as unimaginative as pay $58 for the exact same input devices you're no longer stuck with in the first place. Heck, even adding $99 to your order for the wireless Bluetooth versions strikes you as too conventional a choice-- and, considering how little you're paying for the Mac mini itself, too cheap.

So now that you aren't saddled with the grind of eBaying off an unwanted Apple mouse and keyboard and you have, at last count, gazillions of choices as to which input devices and display to get for your mini, what are you going to do? Simple: take some of that cash you saved by purchasing a super-cheap Mac mini and blow it on some super-stylin' peripherals worthy of its snazzy design. Faithful viewer Lisa Boucher forwarded us a link to Wood Contour, a company selling "an exquisite line of fully functional, solid wood and stone peripherals, designed for the non-compromising among us." And who's more non-compromising than Mac users, right? So go ahead: order a keyboard, mouse and 17-inch LCD monitor all lovingly crafted in the wood of your choice. A set made of a more pedestrian wood like beech or maple runs a mere $5,800; at that price, why not get two? Or you can upgrade to something like ash or Honduras Palisander for $6,950. Step up to Boise de Rose (it's French, so you know it's classy) for $7,950. And finally, a Class 4 wood like willow or sycamore runs $8,950.

Wood not your bag? Then how about stone? Sadly, Wood Contours's "stone" peripherals are not chiseled from a single block o' rock, but instead are "constructed from the warm and inviting elegance of Corian®," which is apparently a DuPont material commonly used in bathtubs and countertops and that can look a lot like stone. True, that doesn't sound nearly as classy as hand-tooled wood, but consider the benefits: for one thing, you can get a keyboard/mouse/display set done up in any of dozens of faux stone colors, and no matter which you choose, you pay the low, low price of just $8,100. Better yet, unlike with the wood products, that $8,100 includes your choice of a 17-inch or 19-inch display. (Since there's apparently no price difference, try not to think too hard about which one you'd prefer.) And best of all, the stone peripherals come "skillfully engraved with your company's logo via laser technology," so if you don't have a logo, we suggest you come up with one in a hurry, because getting the design of your choice etched right into your desktop I/O devices is just too cool to pass up. If nothing else, you can always tell 'em you work for Apple.

So let's recap: $499 computer; $9,000 I/O peripherals. Now that's style, baby. It's not the ideal setup, of course, but until Shreve Crump & Lowe offers devices in diamond-studded platinum, it'll have to do. Maybe you can order one of the wood kits and class it up a little with a Bedazzler.