Sheesh, The X-Files had it wrong; Mulder's "I WANT TO BELIEVE" poster shouldn't have featured a blurry photo of an alleged UFO-- it should have had a blurry photo of an alleged G5 processor, instead. (Actually, on second thought, maybe it does; for all we know, the G5 looks exactly like two pie plates taped together.) After last week's mention that we're not expecting the G5 to surface until this summer at the earliest, about a gazillion and six self-styled Deep Throats popped out of the woodwork to contribute whatever illicit bits of intel to which they were supposedly privy. Interestingly enough, despite the massive diversity of sources, pretty much all the G5 whispers fell into precisely two categories: "it's definitely coming next month" and "we'll be lucky to see it before Doggett and Reyes return for Season 10."

On the "next month" tip, various shadowy figures in trenchcoats and dark glasses insist that Apple plans to overhaul its Power Mac line with a full-fledged G5 processor at Seybold in about a month. Most of them cite leaky Apple-employed friends or relatives (or friends of relatives) as their sources for this optimistic bit of news. Meanwhile, resourceful and obsessed Lone Gunmen-like faithful viewers such as Rick Lyon continue to scour the 'net for clues; Rick himself unearthed mentions of the G5 in a site about a music application called NoteAbility and in a job listing over at Absoft. So those of you who "want to believe" now have more food for faith.

But far more shadowy trenchcoated spy-dudes with alleged connections to the leakier and/or drunker crew of the mothership insist that our instincts are correct: while we will get a new Power Mac any week now (and with the iMac encroaching well into Power Mac performance territory with a far shrimpier price tag, it doesn't take a genius to predict that), these latter informants state that, as we've long suspected, the Apollo G4, not the G5, will be steering the ship. Also Zaprudering this side of the Power Mac conspiracy is none other than the Naked Mole Rat. Faithful viewer CodeBitch informs us that he's spouting off about new pro hardware in a rare moment of lucidity; the rodent proclaims January 20th to be Apple's target date for the unveiling, with said systems "in the 1.4 GHz range" shipping by February.

Either way, of course, AtAT's dual-800 MHz G4 will soon cease to be the fastest Mac available, so you can expect us to be even more preoccupied and unreachable than usual, as we spend every waking hour recklessly playing 3D games at ridiculous resolutions with all the eye candy turned on in a desperate attempt to squeeze every last bit of high-cycle use out of this thing before it's no longer the big dog of the yard. We don't plan to stop until Apple announces those new Power Macs, or our wrists spontaneously combust-- whichever comes first. (If it's the latter, can we request that Scully does the autopsy?)

Speaking of unexplained phenomena, few forces known to humankind are as powerful or as little understood as the Reality Distortion Field emanating from Steve "Ground Zero" Jobs. Our greatest scientists have devoted their lives to studying this fascinating hypnotic energy, which has yet to be replicated in a lab at strengths even a thousandth as intense as the field measured directly in front of Steve's skull. What we know is limited, at best: RDF energy bends the human will like so much salt water taffy; it's most effective in close proximity to its source, but transmits to a lesser extent via recorded speech and the written word; it's been proven to sharpen knives and keep meat fresh, and it probably figured heavily in the construction of the pyramids; and most importantly, there's no immunity to the RDF's effects, and the only known organic source is Steve Jobs himself. Until now, that is.

See, most of you know all too well that while the AtAT staff was reasonably impressed with last week's Stevenote, we definitely weren't falling-down, lick-the-floor, somebody-get-us-our-heart-pills impressed. We are veterans of dozens of Stevenotes, and this, to us, was an entirely new experience. Moreover, we weren't even jaw-droppingly amazed at the look of the new iMac, which means that the dents in the floor where our chins usually hit every January are starting to feel a little lonely. That iMac-- great specs, great price for what you get, but we just weren't falling in love with it. What the heck, as many of you surely wondered, was wrong with us?

Well, the tests aren't back from the lab, yet, but as far as we can tell, we appear to have built up some sort of immunity to Steve's RDF energy. We know it's unheard of, but it's the only explanation that makes any sense. We've spent the last few days coming to grips with this life-changing development; sure, this puts us in a far better position to usurp Steve's power and wrest control of the planet after he's taken over, but is it really worth it if we're never again able to surrender all reason and critical thought when Steve takes the stage?

Today, however, we think we may have discovered some hope for our unfortunate condition. Faithful viewer Mike Dini forwarded us an interview with Jonathan Ive (Apple's lead design guru who shaped the new iMac, as well as pretty much every other piece of hardware to come out of Apple's labs for the past four years) by The Independent. In it, Ive describes every process and consideration that went into crafting the shape of his latest baby. We read how its design was based on that of a sunflower and how it was born from an inspirational walk through Steve's wife's vegetable patch; we read his explanation for why the base is a dome and the bottom is a screw-on flap; we read how he "could have released a flat design much earlier," but scrapped it after a year of development because it just wasn't perfect. And suddenly, there it was-- that familiar tugging at our brainstems.

Yes, folks; it's catching. Evidently Jon Ive is developing his own RDF, because after reading him wax eloquent about his latest creation, suddenly we're seeing the iMac in an entirely different light. We're almost, dare we say it, enthralled with that goofy little lamp-looking dealie. Why Ive's embryonic RDF didn't affect us when he appeared in the iMac promo video we couldn't begin to speculate, but it's clearly kicking in now, as far as we can tell. We still haven't seen a new iMac up close, but at this point we're pretty sure that when we do, we're going to love it. As for this whole "RDF immunity" thing, since we got whammied by Ive, we're fairly confident that it was just a phase. But we've left our brains to science just in case.

We mentioned this in passing last Friday, but we felt it deserved a little more attention: for those of you who haven't heard, Judge Motz finally ruled on that deal that Microsoft proposed as a settlement for a slew of private non-"Redmond Justice" antitrust suits. You remember the one; Microsoft admits no wrongdoing, and instead of forking over up to $12.5 billion in potential damages, the company simply donates $839.5 million worth of free copies of Windows and Office and a stack of refurbished PCs to the nation's poorest schools. In other words, Microsoft's officially not guilty, it saves a bundle of cash, and it gets to extend its monopoly into one of the few markets which it doesn't yet have in a chokehold by inflicting Windows on the nation's children. Sounds like a great deal for everyone. (Oh, wait, did we say "everyone"? Sorry, we meant "Microsoft.")

Well, good ol' Judge Motzy-Motz did the right thing and canned that proposal, as noted by a Reuters article pointed out by faithful viewer Nina Tovish. Motz called the proposal "thinly-funded" (read: "cheap"), appearing to "provide a means for flooding a part of the kindergarten through high school market, in which Microsoft has not traditionally been the strongest player" (read: "you must think my head is made of plywood"), and possibly "constituting court-approved predatory pricing" (read: "nice try, you evil, conniving slimebags; I would spit on you if I could think of an acceptable judicial method to do so"). And just when you thought it couldn't get any more noxious in here, a Microsoft spokesman let this one fly: the company is "disappointed that this unique opportunity to advance very significant social benefits has been blocked." Mmm-hmm... Microsoft's doing it all for the children. Funny how Redmond won't just give up the cash and let the schools decide what to buy with it, though...

Anyway, kudos to Steve Jobs, who dared to speak out publicly against the proposal. Evidently his voice was heard, as when Judge Motz nuked the settlement plan, he explicitly mentioned that the deal might constitute the extension of Microsoft's monopoly into schools "particularly in relation to Apple." Rather than amend the deal so that the schools would get cash and a choice, Microsoft has apparently decided either to scrape together a new settlement proposal from scratch, or to fight all hundred-odd cases in court. Whatever the outcome, though, it appears that the danger of a court-approved tidal wave of Windows sweeping through our schools is one fewer thing to infect your nightmares tonight. Yessiree, it's back to "naked in class before the final exam for a course you've never attended" for you...