If you're still rushing around trying to decide which personal items and/or family members to hock in order to scrape together enough cash for one of the first 733 MHz G4 Power Macs off the production line next week, slam on those brakes and brace for a screeching halt. You know that old saying that "anything that seems too good to be true probably is"? Well, it's admittedly a sad state of affairs when a clock speed that's not quite half of what the competition can boast qualifies as "too good to be true," but hey, you knew that Apple is beleaguered again, right?

Whereas yesterday we breathlessly waxed poetic about the imminent 733 MHz G4 reported by CNET, plenty of heavy hitters not on Intel's payroll have since come forward with data refuting that claim. As faithful viewer David Triska first pointed out, rather than ditching its current emphasis on multiple processor systems (which, with the symmetrically multiprocessing Mac OS X just around the corner, is finally about to make sense), AppleInsider reports that Apple is instead sticking to a mighty familiar-looking lineup with next week's new Power Macs. The plan is to bump the current "single 400, dual 450, dual 500" configurations up to a "single 450, dual 500, dual 600" mix instead.

Sure, the 600 MHz G4 doesn't have the "wow factor" of the mythical 733 MHz beast, but at least you get two of them-- assuming, of course, you're able to buy one of the half-dozen systems that Apple will actually be able to build; AI states that Motorola is having a tough time manufacturing the 600 MHz processors (imagine that!) and has resorted to "hand-test[ing] each chip." (We're picturing some guy with a Motorola hat holding a processor up to the light, squinting at it for a few seconds, and then declaring "yeah, that one looks like a 600" before tossing it into a barrel.)

For those of you not willing to let the dream die, feel free to cling to the hope of 733 MHz joining Steve on stage in four days. Still, not to step on your buzz or anything, but we feel it's our duty to warn you that AppleInsider isn't the only source refuting CNET's odd claims. The PowerBook Zone, for one, notes that MacWarehouse actually has part numbers for a dual G4/600 Power Mac in its inventory system already... though part numbers for a "CubeBook" also appear, so the odds of somebody playing a little prank are pretty high. But Mac OS Rumors also takes issue with CNET's scenario, noting that, as far as the most recent info can suggest, Motorola is nowhere near ready to ship a 733 MHz G4 by next week. If we had to put money on the outcome of this brouhaha, we'd steer way clear of backing CNET's story.

That said, we probably just forgot our medication again, but we find it very interesting that the typically anti-Mac CNET published a report that raised some people's expectations well above what Apple will actually reveal next week. Even though a dual-600 MHz Mac will probably outperform a single-processor 733 MHz system once Mac OS X ships, there's something anticlimactic about a nudge to 600 MHz instead of a more dramatic climb to 733 MHz. Could CNET be trying to blunt the effect of next week's announcements by setting expectations too high, thus scuttling any chance of a post-Stevenote stock price rebound and setting the stage for outright bloodshed when Apple posts its upcoming quarterly loss? 'Cause that's what the voices in our heads are saying...

For the record, we were wrong: Apple isn't technically "beleaguered" again-- it's "struggling." At least, that's how Reuters describes our protagonist in an article addressing the latest buyout rumors to hit the airwaves. That's right, people; Apple's posting its first quarterly loss in three years, Cubes aren't selling, Dell took the lead in educational sales, holiday sales were down 40%, and the entire company's evidently going to hell in a translucent handbasket. Those are the ideal conditions in which an Apple buyout rumor can thrive and flourish.

Those of you who have been through this spiel before, however, might be surprised to hear that while Apple, as ever, is the buyee, the identity of the buyer isn't who you'd expect. We know, we know... you've all been raised on a steady diet of innuendo that Disney is the huge, monolithic corporation who will someday swallow Apple whole and put Mickey ears on the next iMac. But we're in the year 2001 now, and all those rumors about Walt's cryogenically frozen head having his eye set squarely on One Infinite Loop are probably long overdue for retirement. Besides, there are plenty of other huge, monolithic corporations out there who might like a crack at the role of Perennial Apple Buyout Candidate. It's time for an Apple Buyout Rumor for the new millennium.

Imagine our joy, then, to hear that the foreign markets were awash in rumors that Apple was about to be snapped up by none other than Sony! Imagine, too, our disappointment when discovering that Sony isn't yet proficient in the art of letting a rumor germinate, breathe, and mellow before killing it with an outright denial. The company's chief executive "flatly denied" any chance of a Sony-Apple merger on the very same day that the rumors surfaced, and even went so far as to say that Sony wouldn't even consider a bid if Apple extended one. Sigh... another promising rumor deep-sixed before it ever had a chance to work its way into the collective consciousness. Maybe the next buyout rumor will fare better.

Remember that wacky scheme to shoot a bunch of Macs out into space, link them up into a global satellite network, and communicate with them via a wireless networking architecture best described as AirPort on steroids? Well, according to a Business Week article kindly pointed out by faithful viewer Jerry O'Neil, the plan is still a go. When we last addressed the plan, we noted that, while the computers would definitely be Macs with 500 MHz G4 processors, the exact type of Mac hadn't been specified. At that point we piped up with our suggestion that SkyCorp, the company fronting this venture, use Cubes, since they're much smaller than standard Power Macs-- not to mention the fact that they look like they came from outer space in the first place.

That suggestion prompted a surprising number of faithful viewers to write in insisting that the Cube was the wrong Mac for the job, because it lacks a fan. As any Mr. Science aficionado will tell you, the Cube's convection cooling relies on gravity to function: warm air rises through the top and pulls cool air through the bottom. Without Our Friend Gravity lending a helping hand, a standard Cube would burn out quickly, as warm air would collect around the G4 processor and keep heating until the chip overran its operational temperature parameters. Of course, that assumes that the theoretical spacebound Cube is operating in an air-filled environment in the first place... and we don't really want to get into a discussion about Macs and radiant heat in vacuums. ("Teletubbies" is on.)

The argument is moot anyway, since SkyCorp plainly stated that any Macs it planned to shoot into orbit would have to be "modified," so if the Cube needs a fan to work in space without melting, so be it. In any case, the new Business Week article settles the matter for good: SkyCorp's Dennis Wingo is planning on using Cubes for his zany Mac-based satellite network. Woo-hoo!! Cubes in Space! But whether that choice was his or Apple's is anyone's guess; if you recall, Apple agreed to donate the hardware for Wingo's project, which will eventually involve 544 Mac-based satellites in orbit. So if you were wondering what Apple planned to do with all those unsold Cubes, well, now you know...