For the record, we were wrong: Apple isn't technically "beleaguered" again-- it's "struggling." At least, that's how Reuters describes our protagonist in an article addressing the latest buyout rumors to hit the airwaves. That's right, people; Apple's posting its first quarterly loss in three years, Cubes aren't selling, Dell took the lead in educational sales, holiday sales were down 40%, and the entire company's evidently going to hell in a translucent handbasket. Those are the ideal conditions in which an Apple buyout rumor can thrive and flourish.

Those of you who have been through this spiel before, however, might be surprised to hear that while Apple, as ever, is the buyee, the identity of the buyer isn't who you'd expect. We know, we know... you've all been raised on a steady diet of innuendo that Disney is the huge, monolithic corporation who will someday swallow Apple whole and put Mickey ears on the next iMac. But we're in the year 2001 now, and all those rumors about Walt's cryogenically frozen head having his eye set squarely on One Infinite Loop are probably long overdue for retirement. Besides, there are plenty of other huge, monolithic corporations out there who might like a crack at the role of Perennial Apple Buyout Candidate. It's time for an Apple Buyout Rumor for the new millennium.

Imagine our joy, then, to hear that the foreign markets were awash in rumors that Apple was about to be snapped up by none other than Sony! Imagine, too, our disappointment when discovering that Sony isn't yet proficient in the art of letting a rumor germinate, breathe, and mellow before killing it with an outright denial. The company's chief executive "flatly denied" any chance of a Sony-Apple merger on the very same day that the rumors surfaced, and even went so far as to say that Sony wouldn't even consider a bid if Apple extended one. Sigh... another promising rumor deep-sixed before it ever had a chance to work its way into the collective consciousness. Maybe the next buyout rumor will fare better.