To boldly serve where no Mac has served before... You can tell we're impressed, because it takes an awful lot to get us to split an infinitive. When we first discussed SkyCorp's plans to stick a Mac web server in space, the company was still "in negotiations" with NASA to get permission-- so, privately, we adopted a sort of "we'll believe it when we see it" sort of attitude. But now, as faithful viewer Pat points out via a SpaceRef.com article, NASA has evidently given the plan the green light, and all systems are go. Within a year, a G4-based Mac will be loaded aboard a shuttle, shot skyward, placed into orbit, and acknowledged as the very first web server in space. (Please hum "Also Sprach Zarathustra" to yourselves as you savor the moment.)

It sounds like the Mac in question hasn't been finalized yet, but at least preliminary specs have been published. First of all, there's a G4 processor running at 500 MHz, assuming that Motorola continues its Amazing Clock Speed Stasis Record. The G4 system would run Mac OS X and its bundled Apache web server software, running off a 10 GB hard drive capable of "hosting up to several thousand web sites." Communications with the G4 will be via a variant of the 802.11 wireless protocol that Apple uses for AirPort. No word on whether the Mac will be a tower or a Cube, but if we were Apple, we'd push hard for a Cube. The small footprint's perfect for a satellite, and the thing looks like it's from outer space already. Imagine the ad possibilities; now that might get some Cubes flying off the shelves.

Now, if you're thinking that this all seems like a lot of money and effort to spend just to stick a G4 into orbit, it's worth noting that the lucky G4 chosen for the mission is actually being used as a proof-of-concept-- or, as SkyCorp calls it, a "Detailed Test Objective." SkyCorp's business plan is less about charging for orbital webhosting (though you can bet we'd have cash in hand to sign up and broadcast at least part of AtAT from space) and more about constructing a system of 544 of these low-earth orbiting satellites to form the basis of a spacebound network to "offer Internet access on a global scale."

If you're wondering why the first web server in space will be a Mac, SkyCorp claims it's because Macs provide better security, reliability, and simplicity of operation. There's also the little matter of SkyCorp's CEO having emailed Steve Jobs "on a whim"-- which generated an actual response two days later; Apple has agreed to donate all the Mac hardware, as well as provide "engineering support" and a promotional push. Meanwhile, SkyCorp still seeks "commercial sponsors" to get its business off the ground. Personally, we think Apple should tap into that cash-on-hand, grab this opportunity with both hands, and hold on like grim death; it's a great way to promote Mac OS X, the G4, and the Mac platform in general as a robust, simple, and reliable solution for mission-critical applications. Provided it all works, of course.

So a week or so ago, we mentioned Mike Dell's deepening spiral into Steve-obsession and madness, as evidenced by his company's apparent emulation of Apple's infamous Combustible PowerBook debacle. In 1995, there was a ruckus about PowerBook 5300 batteries potentially catching fire; Mike Dell followed suit five years later by recalling 27,000 Dell laptop batteries for exactly the same reason. (Side note: if, in your extensive travels, you should find yourself face to face with Mr. Dell himself, avoid eye contact and don't make any sudden movements. You can't be too careful around this guy.)

But now the plot thickens. Faithful viewer Reefdog unearthed more info on Dell's recent flammable battery flap, and the depths of Mike's psychosis now seem virtually limitless. According to a ZDNet article, the Dell laptop battery that ignited in the field did so due to the presence of "an 'alien' substance" that was "mixed into the production process of the battery." Even more mysterious, the battery supplier has refused to elaborate on just what that "alien" substance was, although one source has reportedly identified it as "a piece of metal." Alien metal, we'll warrant.

Take that how you will, but we're sure that reasonable viewers will read between the lines and find that Mike Dell is actually harnessing alien technology to sabotage his own company's products in an effort to emulate Apple. It's well known, of course, that the return of Steve to One Infinite Loop allowed Apple to use extraterrestrial technologies from his homeworld in the creation of all products since the original iMac. So is Reefdog right in supposing that Mike Dell has actually visited Steve's home planet and brought back alien technology that his company's engineers simply failed to harness safely?

It's certainly one possibility, but we see another. The Flammable 5300 was one of the most embarrassing and persistent images of Gil Amelio's tenure as Chief Apple Dude. Clearly Steve's master plan to replace Gil at Apple's helm started long before he even duped the poor guy into buying NeXT. Steve's operatives obviously slipped the same "alien metal" that Mike used into the PowerBook's battery production process; it was just one more prong in a calculated campaign to undermine Gil's effectiveness which eventually led to his ousting in 1997. That also explains why Mike Dell aped an Apple misstep that happened prior to Steve's return: it was still Steve's move behind the scenes. Suddenly all the pieces fall into place...

We think we may have found the solution to Motorola's (and therefore, Apple's) clock speed troubles: just do what Intel did. Announce a higher speed well in advance of shipping, ship the faster chip whether or not you've actually got it working, recall it when it doesn't work, and then don't ship the "fixed" version for at least seven months after the recall. It's a great way to get the news out about a product you don't expect to have working for nine months anyway.

For those of you who haven't a clue about what we're saying, we're talking about the 1.13 GHz Pentium III chip. Intel shipped it this past summer, but recalled it at the end of August due to an "erratum." And as faithful viewer Matt Wolanski points out, an InfoWorld article now reports that Intel doesn't plan to relaunch the chip until "the second quarter of next year." Meanwhile, the hype about Intel having broached the 1.13 GHz barrier is still floating around in the collective public consciousness, despite the fact that the company still can't actually ship a working chip at that speed. Clever, right?

Motorola, on the other hand, took a tentative step towards that strategy last year when it discovered a G4 erratum that prevented its chips from running reliably at speeds above 500 MHz, but the company just didn't go far enough. Rather than wuss around with this 500 MHz stuff for a year, what Motorola should have done was crank out a slew of those 700 MHz V'Ger chips it claimed to have running in the lab nearly a year before, ship them amid a huge advertising blitz, and when they burst into flames in the field, just recall them and say they'd be back on the market "soon." Bingo-- an instant boost in the Megahertz War, and a far less impatient unruly mob waiting for real progress.

So here's our advice: Motorola should just bite the bullet and ship that 1 GHz Apollo G4 it discussed at the recent Microprocessor Forum, recall it when it fails, and revel in its sudden newfound ranking in the clock speed standings well in advance of an actual technological improvement. And here's hoping that they do it soon, because the natives are getting restless-- especially with Intel's 1.4 GHz Pentium 4 slated to ship by the end of the year. That means the fixed version might ship by next Labor Day, so Motorola had better get on the stick!