Stop the presses! BYTE has unearthed a real scoop-- apparently Apple's not "beleaguered" anymore. Contain your amazement for a moment and consider the facts laid out by columnist Marty Cortinas: in 1999, Apple remained profitable, saw a fantastic rise in its stock price, and unveiled a slew of new products that garnered good reviews and solid sales numbers. So BYTE is declaring Apple's death watch over, as stunning as that may seem. We expect television schedules the world over will be interrupted with special bulletins.

Come on-- it's almost the end of 1999, and BYTE's just getting around to noticing that Apple's no longer on its deathbed? Apparently someone's been spending a little too much time watching "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns to maintain an up-to-date view of the tech industry. Most companies wish they were as beleaguered as Apple was last month. In fact, if Apple's only just shedding its beleaguerment now, then 2000's gonna be one heck of a year for our friends in Cupertino.

Don't get us wrong-- we have nothing against Marty Cortinas (he gets on our good side for using the word "Schadenfreude." Ooooh, we love that!), and we're grateful that BYTE.com even has a Mac column. We're simply amused by the notion that the publication is just now getting around to declaring an end to Apple's beleaguerment. The iMac's been a smash hit for well over a year now, Apple's stock last December was nearly triple its value from the year before, and the flow of red ink had long been stanched. Heck, most of us have moved well on, shifting the "beleaguered" tag to companies that truly deserve it-- like Compaq.

All over the world, casual viewers and faithful AtAT addicts alike are reading O'Grady's PowerPage and groaning out loud, because they foresee yet another AtAT rant about the merits of light-up computers. Yup, there's a new rumor in town, and this time it looks like more than just the Apple logo may be glowing on the upcoming "Pismo" line of PowerBooks. Indulge us as we ramble on and on about our pet subject, won't you? Ever since the first iMac was rumored to glow with an eerie light, we've been tracking Apple's hot-and-cold love affair with making various parts of its new Macs light up. Rumors of various levels of luminescence in prototype models may have been true, but if they were, Apple has almost always removed the glow in the shipping systems. The exceptions are the current PowerBook G3, with its brightly-glowing Apple sigil, and the iBook, whose Apple logo gains a faint halo when the unit is in use.

So here's the latest rumor: you know how the current PowerBook's keyboard is a translucent root beer color? Well, the keyboard in Pismo is expected to be translucent as well-- and it may light up when the system's on. Think of it! Sparkly little keys merrily glowing away, just begging to be tickled. What better incentive to work could there be? Just turn off the lights and type away, bathed in the magical light of the LCD screen and the friendly glow of the keyboard. Fear not the additional power draw and subsequent early battery death-- the feature can be turned off at will. And isn't a shorter battery life worth the ability to compute away in a dark movie theater until the manager comes by and kicks you out? Looks like soon we may have to add yet another Mac to the AtAT stable.

Of course, it's just a rumor at this point, and we'll find out the truth (probably) on January 5th, when Uncle Steve delivers his keynote. We're keeping our fingers crossed down here in the AtAT studios. Then again, given the current state of our credit card accounts, maybe we should be hoping that Pismo isn't so cool. The iBook and AirPort equipment just showed up on the most recent statements. Uh-oh...

"Ho ho ho... So, Timmy, have you been a good little boy this year?"

"Uh, yes, Santa."

"Have you been doing your schoolwork, and listening to your mommy and daddy?"

"Er, well, not exactly. I mean, I'm 37 years old. I'm an IT director for a mid-sized accounting firm. But I call my parents every Sunday! Mostly."

"Well, Timmy, what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas this year?"

"Memory, Santa. Tons and tons of RAM."

"Well, I don't know, Timmy... I usually reserve the memory modules for the extra-special kiddies at the top of my Nice List™. In case you haven't noticed, RAM's pretty freakin' expensive these days. What do you need so much RAM for, anyway?"

"Our firm's migrating to Windows 2000 next year, and Microsoft says it requires a bare minimum of 128 MB of RAM to function properly. 256 MB is supposedly a more reasonable amount. At least, that's what The Register says." (Omniscient producer's note: big thanks to faithful viewer Tony Lucarelli for giving us the heads up...)

"128 MB minimum! Why, that scoundrel Bill Gates has sunk to new depths of bloatware!"

"I know, Santa, but what else can we do? We've been kept on the hook so long, we're completely mired in Windows NT. All of our servers run it. Our whole business depends on it. Our only choices are to upgrade to Windows 2000, or stick with NT 4. I'm at the end of my rope!"

"Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Timmy. I'll spot you the RAM you need for bringing this to my attention-- on the condition that you redraft your 2000 capital expense budget to include a G4 server box running Mac OS X for "evaluation purposes." Don't worry about it not shipping this year-- Avi Tevanian's on my Nice List™, too, and he's getting a nice little chunk of code under the tree. Check it out, do an ROI study, and see if maybe your firm can get the Windows monkey off its back."

"Gosh, Santa, I don't know what to say. You've really saved my life."

"And I know a certain World's Richest Man who'll be finding a lump of coal in his stocking come Christmas Day."

"Gee! Thanks, Santa!" (Beams happily, wipes small tear of joy from eye.)

"Think nothing of it, Timmy. Now get off my lap-- you're hurting me."