It all started as a seemingly innocuous press release; faithful viewer Joe Valentino tipped us off to the fact that Apple has seen fit to add a new configuration to its Power Mac G4 line-up. Itching for a Mac packing the finest G4 Motorola has to offer? Suddenly you've got a choice; either you can drop $3499 for the does-it-all iDVD model that Apple introduced a couple of months ago, or you can opt for a $2999 system that only burns CDs instead. You heard right, Skippy! Starting next week, customers who want the zippiest G4 on the market but don't need the DVD-burning capability of the SuperDrive can pick up a Power Mac G4/733 with a CD-RW drive instead.

Terrific, we thought; suddenly cheapskates and people without Spielberg complexes can get maximum Mac power for $500 less, and all they sacrifice is the ability to make their own DVDs. That, we thought, was the news. Of course, that's when we actually read the press release, and we learned why Apple introduced the new CD-RW-equipped Power Mac G4/733: because "Motorola is exceeding their plan and can now deliver greater than anticipated quantities of the blazingly fast 733 MHz processor." And that, of course, was when we blacked out.

We don't know whether it was a stroke, an aneurysm, or just a hysterical reaction to a nerve-shattering shock-- but we're betting on that last one, because we don't seem to be suffering any permanent physical effects other than jaws that are locked in the open position and faces that are frozen in comical looks of confusion. Motorola producing more chips than expected? Our Motorola? C'mon, guys, April 1st is still three weeks away; no fair freaking us out with early April Fools jokes.

On the other hand, we have to admit, this press release looks legit, so we're probably going to have to ditch our plans to sue Apple for incurring severe mental anguish by torturing us with false reports of easy processor availability. All Apple is really saying is that it's got more 733 MHz G4 processors than SuperDrives-- and when you think about it, that's not necessarily saying much at all. Still, to see Apple itself tout "higher than expected volumes of the blazingly fast PowerPC G4 733 MHz processor" gives us a little more hope that yesterday's rumor was true; maybe we will see dual-processor 733 MHz Power Macs by May, and a 1 GHz Mac by the end of the summer. And maybe we'll even be able to scrape our jaws off the floor before then.

These are magical times in the world of Apple, indeed; the whole world is oohing and aahing over the svelte new PowerBook G4, Apple is reporting that high-speed G4 processors are more plentiful than expected, and a whole slew of spiffy new commercials touting the digital music capabilities of the new Macs are in heavy rotation on the tube. (Incidentally, don't miss the new longer version of the "Rip. Mix. Burn." commercial that Apple has posted to its site-- Iggy Pop has an awesome line. Many thanks to faithful viewer Stiv for filling us in.) And to top it all off, after years and years of development, Mac OS X is now a mere two weeks away from its official debut. Is it possible to stay grouchy when surrounded by such great news?

Well, yeah. Heck, the analysts do it all the time; it just takes practice. For instance, you may remember the whining back from when it was reported that Mac OS X's initial "Cheetah" release will probably lack a bunch of features like DVD capabilities, iTunes, and iMovie, right? Never mind that Mac OS X represents the Holy Grail of operating systems (the stability and modern services of UNIX and an interface even simpler than the Mac's existing time-honored GUI) and that with it, Apple may have successfully accomplished the nigh-impossible. If it can't edit digital video or rip MP3s out of the box, then the analysts consider themselves free to dub Mac OS X a drastic failure and the catalyst of Apple's imminent demise.

But wait-- CNET now reports that Mac OS X-compatible versions of iTunes and iMovie won't ship in the box, but they probably will be "available for download at intro," according to Apple marketing veep Phil Schiller. "We're trying to make that day," he says; "if not, really close." So don't fret, because we early adopters of Mac OS X will be jammin' to tunes and editing our DV footage before you know it. Given Apple's recent marketing blitz that serves up iTunes as the greatest thing since chocolate, that ought to cheer up those sourpuss analysts, right?

Bzzzzzzzzzzt, thanks for playing, but we've got some lovely parting gifts for you, including the home version of our game for you to enjoy with your family. Yes, we'll have iMovie and iTunes, but iDVD and any sort of DVD video player are both slightly further off-- which means the analysts can still predict Apple's certain doom because for a few weeks, Mac OS X users won't be able to watch Runaway Bride on their Macs. "It's inexplicable to me, Apple could fumble on these things," says Tim Deal of Technology Business Research. And Chris LeTocq of Gartner adds, "Shipping without a DVD player when the hardware is there in 80 percent of the cases is just something Apple doesn't want to do."

So there you have it, people: Apple is going down. When the first customers install Mac OS X in a couple of weeks and find they can't watch the director's cut of Encino Man, well, all hell's going to break loose. We're just glad we won't be anywhere near One Infinite Loop when the unruly mob shows up with torches and rope. Poor Steve won't even know what hit him...

Okay, Dell wants to be like Apple; that we can understand. But greater-than-expected G4 production aside, why would anybody want to be like Motorola? Not that we aren't big fans of the company's processors, but let's face it: Motorola has seen better days. In January the company eliminated 2500 jobs. In February it trimmed 4000 more. A week ago, hot on the heels of announcing that it might post its first quarterly loss in fifteen years, Motorola instituted a mandatory vacation use "austerity measure" to cut costs still further. And just a few days ago, a court ruling opened the company up to a lawsuit that might wind up costing it billions of dollars. Clearly this is not behavior that most companies would aspire to emulate.

Nevertheless, just as Mike Dell has a thing for being like Steve Jobs, Intel seems to be trying to follow in Motorola's footsteps. Faithful viewer Wayne Parkhurst informs us that good ol' Chipzilla is slashing some 5000 jobs. TheStreet.com says it's because of "the spreading ills of the economic slowdown," but it's clear to us that Intel is just trying its darnedest to play follow-the-leader with Motorola. Don't let all that stuff about an ailing economy fool you; for some sick, twisted reason, Intel's obviously out to remake itself anew in Motorola's image.

Don't believe us? Well, that's your prerogative, of course, but don't act surprised when Intel starts making mobile phones and pagers, stops advertising its processors on television, stays stuck at 1.5 GHz for over a year, and eventually needs AMD's help to crank out enough chips to satisfy Dell's demand. Don't worry; we'll be right here to say "we told you so."