So obviously by now you've heard the news: according to an official Apple press release and the dulcet tones of the masterful Money Czar Fred Anderson, the company raked in a solid $40 million in pure black-ink profit last quarter, thus edging out the industry analyst consensus estimates, and, as usual, sending Apple's stock price lower. (We no longer ask why it happens; we just accept that it does and then go cry a little). Both Apple's revenues ($1.5 billion) and its gross margins (27.4%) were up from the year ago quarter, as were unit shipments-- Apple sent a whopping 813,000 Macs winging their way out into the world in Q2, which represents an 8% increase from Q2 of last year. And Apple pulled all of this off while still managing to keep $4.3 billion squirreled away in a mattress somewhere. Not too shabby.

Better still, Apple only expects things to get better. This quarter the company is looking to boost revenues still higher to $1.6 billion, and profits are expected to be roughly the same or slightly better. Okay, so double-digit growth and a cure for cancer it ain't, but in this economy, we'll take any improvement we can get. Ol' Fred was chock full of other interesting factoids and nuggets o' fun, too; for example, did you know that iMac sales have remained steady and strong despite the recent price increase? Or that Apple expects to fill all remaining iMac backorders by early next month? Or that the company plans to open twenty more retail stores by the end of this year? Or that Steve Jobs recently underwent pectoral implant surgery so he'll look good without a shirt on in his upcoming scene on "Passions"? See, this is the sort of stuff that you miss when you don't tune in to the quarterly results conference calls because you think they're going to be "too dry." (Note: one of the aforementioned factoids may in fact be false.) All told, there's plenty to feel good about in the Mac world right now, with the bottom line being that Apple remains solvent, profitable, and growing.

On a completely related note, many congrats to faithful viewer Matt Freels, the winner of our quarterly Beat The Analysts contest. Whereas a roomful of fancy-shmancy high-price Wall Street analysts were off by about $5 million when predicting Apple's profit, Matt nailed it perfectly, and we're guessing he didn't even need to wear an Armani suit to do it. We've contacted Matt, and he's currently debating whether he'll be opting for a spiffy new AtAT t-shirt that'll have all the ladies swooning or some dusty-but-shrinkwrapped ancient software from AtAT's infamous Baffling Vault of Antiquity™. Be sure to scope out the contest results for more interesting metrics about how AtAT's viewers know more about Apple's financial situation than the analysts do. F'r'instance: the average of BTA entries that were less than $1 billion apiece actually came out to only about a hundred grand higher than Apple's actual profit. Perspicacious? You betcha!

Okay, folks, that's all she wrote... or, rather, all he wrote, "he" being David Coursey, the Windoid-in-Chief over at ZDNet AnchorDesk. If you've been following his saga for the past few months, though, you're already aware that he's a slightly more well-balanced Windoid these days; right about when Mac OS X came out, Dave started making favorable noises about Apple's new operating system, and his Mac friendliness pretty much grew from there. And back in January, after a minor lapse into iMac-bashing that apparently stemmed more from his perception that Apple had lied to him about prerelease press access to the system than anything about the system itself, Dave decided to put the Mac to the ultimate test: he'd spend a full month using one instead of his usual Wintel, just to see if a confirmed Windows lover could learn to love a Mac.

Well, his early reports on his Mac migration experience were surprisingly favorable, and the fact that his "month with a Mac" eventually turned into a "quarter-year with a Mac" (allegedly due to "illness") certainly made a few of us suspicious that Dave was being pulled inexorably to the Light Side of the Force. And now that the experiment has finally wound to a close, as faithful viewer David H Dennis informed us, what's the verdict? Can a Windoid find happiness in Macville? You can exhale now; Dave's conclusion is a hearty "You bet!" (And yes, we're quoting-- exclamation point and all. The man's even enthusiastic about this.)

Whatever Reality Distortion Field enhancing agent that Apple snuck into David's Honey Nut Cheerios apparently totally did the trick, because the guy is unapologetically bubbly about his Mac experience; he even admits that his single MacMonth turned into three largely because-- and again, we quote-- "I like this little iMac and don't want to give it up. It's a whole lot more fun than my Windows machine, and a great creative tool." True, he lists some things he dislikes about the Mac, as well, but they're relatively small points, and they only serve to make his overall newfound love for the platform just that much more believable. This is quite plainly the portrait of a Windows guy who gave the Mac a try and liked what he found. Well, either that, or Apple's got some serious MK Ultra mojo workin' now. But seriously, that's ridiculous.

(Memo to Apple: the mind-control substance works. Administer it to John Dvorak ASAP.)

So there we were, desperately trying to rouse some creativity and motivation to put together a whole scene about the recent arrival of Mac OS X 10.1.4, which, as faithful viewer Shawn Cowls was the first of many to point out, started appearing in various people's Software Update panels a couple of days ago. And believe us, it wasn't easy to find an angle that would yield any actual drama-- it's a measly little 2.2 MB download, after all, and all it does is add support for a few more CD-RW drives, improve PPP connections and file searching, and provide a little more security. It's not exactly the sort of update that makes people spontaneously burst into song or anything. Heck, it doesn't even have any of that icky kind of drama-- we installed the update entirely without incident, and MacFixit is utterly devoid of any heartstopping "10.1.4 ate my data, kicked my dog, and poured sugar in my gas tank" stories.

In other words, while any Mac OS X revision pretty much requires incorporation into AtAT's plot (it's a contractual obligation or something), there's not much excitement to be mined from the 10.1.4 update, so it's tough to figure out how to give it any screen time without sending the viewing audience into a coma. Which is why we were so relieved when we realized that, instead of devoting an entire scene to 10.1.4, we could just cleverly work its very blandness into an introduction to some real drama about how Microsoft is in cahoots with the government in a loathsome push for the subjugation of the entire U.S. population. Sure, segues like that are tricky to manage, and the self-referential meta-descriptive thing's always a tough one to pull off, but remember, kids, we're seasoned professionals-- don't try this at home.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way, on to the really frightening stuff: faithful viewer David H Dennis (the boy gets around!) was appalled by a Seattle Times article which reveals that the U.S. government is actually considering using Microsoft Passport for identity validation when it rolls out a slew of new web sites this fall. Just yesterday at the Microsoft Government Leaders Conference (by the way, does it scare the living bejeezus out of anyone else that such an event even exists?), Bill Gates repeated his suggestion to representatives of 75 governments from countries all over the world that they shouldn't have to hassle with building their own electronic authentication systems-- they should simply let Microsoft do all the heavy lifting. And store all that personal information. And wield ultimate power over the very concept of transactional identity in the 21st century. Convenient, isn't it?

Which means that if the government decides to go with next year's "enhanced" Passport (the version that "may be used to store sensitive data on Microsoft's network") as its official online authentication system, personal data about each and every U.S. citizen who wants to, for example, file taxes online will be placed in Microsoft's hands. It was one thing when Microsoft's aim was simply to route all e-commerce through Passport, but tying it into an official governmental identity program is just plain spooky. Wow, who knew that the proverbial "Mark of the Beast" would come in the form of a Passport cookie? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Now, whether or not you're the type who thinks that Microsoft might be aiming to do something slimy and malicious with that data, you're probably well aware of Microsoft's reputation for security-- or lack of it. So we basically see two possible scenarios that might arise from a Passport-based U.S. citizen identification scheme. Scenario A ("Malice") is that Microsoft selectively uses its newfound leverage over the virtual identities of the entire U.S. citizenry to manipulate the very social fabric of the country and eventually overthrow the existing government. Scenario B ("Incompetence") simply states that the only thing between you and somebody pretending to be you (for purposes of redirecting your tax refund, registering you as a repeat sex offender, and casting your presidential ballot for John Tesh) is Microsoft's infamously Swiss-cheesed idea of security. Take your pick; we think they'd both provide endless hours of entertainment.

Meanwhile, we're only half-serious about relocating to the Great White North, because those folks up there seem, y'know, pretty nice and everything, eh? And we like Degrassi Junior High.