So there we were, desperately trying to rouse some creativity and motivation to put together a whole scene about the recent arrival of Mac OS X 10.1.4, which, as faithful viewer Shawn Cowls was the first of many to point out, started appearing in various people's Software Update panels a couple of days ago. And believe us, it wasn't easy to find an angle that would yield any actual drama-- it's a measly little 2.2 MB download, after all, and all it does is add support for a few more CD-RW drives, improve PPP connections and file searching, and provide a little more security. It's not exactly the sort of update that makes people spontaneously burst into song or anything. Heck, it doesn't even have any of that icky kind of drama-- we installed the update entirely without incident, and MacFixit is utterly devoid of any heartstopping "10.1.4 ate my data, kicked my dog, and poured sugar in my gas tank" stories.

In other words, while any Mac OS X revision pretty much requires incorporation into AtAT's plot (it's a contractual obligation or something), there's not much excitement to be mined from the 10.1.4 update, so it's tough to figure out how to give it any screen time without sending the viewing audience into a coma. Which is why we were so relieved when we realized that, instead of devoting an entire scene to 10.1.4, we could just cleverly work its very blandness into an introduction to some real drama about how Microsoft is in cahoots with the government in a loathsome push for the subjugation of the entire U.S. population. Sure, segues like that are tricky to manage, and the self-referential meta-descriptive thing's always a tough one to pull off, but remember, kids, we're seasoned professionals-- don't try this at home.

Anyway, now that that's out of the way, on to the really frightening stuff: faithful viewer David H Dennis (the boy gets around!) was appalled by a Seattle Times article which reveals that the U.S. government is actually considering using Microsoft Passport for identity validation when it rolls out a slew of new web sites this fall. Just yesterday at the Microsoft Government Leaders Conference (by the way, does it scare the living bejeezus out of anyone else that such an event even exists?), Bill Gates repeated his suggestion to representatives of 75 governments from countries all over the world that they shouldn't have to hassle with building their own electronic authentication systems-- they should simply let Microsoft do all the heavy lifting. And store all that personal information. And wield ultimate power over the very concept of transactional identity in the 21st century. Convenient, isn't it?

Which means that if the government decides to go with next year's "enhanced" Passport (the version that "may be used to store sensitive data on Microsoft's network") as its official online authentication system, personal data about each and every U.S. citizen who wants to, for example, file taxes online will be placed in Microsoft's hands. It was one thing when Microsoft's aim was simply to route all e-commerce through Passport, but tying it into an official governmental identity program is just plain spooky. Wow, who knew that the proverbial "Mark of the Beast" would come in the form of a Passport cookie? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Now, whether or not you're the type who thinks that Microsoft might be aiming to do something slimy and malicious with that data, you're probably well aware of Microsoft's reputation for security-- or lack of it. So we basically see two possible scenarios that might arise from a Passport-based U.S. citizen identification scheme. Scenario A ("Malice") is that Microsoft selectively uses its newfound leverage over the virtual identities of the entire U.S. citizenry to manipulate the very social fabric of the country and eventually overthrow the existing government. Scenario B ("Incompetence") simply states that the only thing between you and somebody pretending to be you (for purposes of redirecting your tax refund, registering you as a repeat sex offender, and casting your presidential ballot for John Tesh) is Microsoft's infamously Swiss-cheesed idea of security. Take your pick; we think they'd both provide endless hours of entertainment.

Meanwhile, we're only half-serious about relocating to the Great White North, because those folks up there seem, y'know, pretty nice and everything, eh? And we like Degrassi Junior High.