It's here! It's here! After literally months of false starts and dashed hopes, Mac OS 9.0.4 is finally here! Remember back in early January, when Apple's first bug-fix update for Mac OS 9 was still going to be 9.0.1, and the buzz was that it was in "final candidate" stage? Ever since then, we've been hearing that the software was "just around the corner"-- but around every corner, all we ever found was more delays. Apparently every time Apple was about to throw the switch and post the thing, some test guy would find another "issue" to delay its release.

So when word came down that Apple finally posted this long-awaited mythical Mac OS 9.0.4 on Tuesday night, first we checked that it wasn't another mistake, and then we fired up the ol' Software Update control panel and let it do its thing. Unfortunately, "its thing" appeared to be on strike; the "checking for updates" message never went away, and after five minutes we got bored and cancelled it. Instead, we opted for a direct download of the file from Apple's web servers. Twelve and a half megabytes later, we mounted the image, ran the installer, marvelled at the fact that the update took about a minute to complete, and restarted, giddy with anticipation.

The big difference? Opening the "About This Macintosh" window reveals that the system is running 9.0.4. Other than that, well... Let's just say that at least we won't have to get used to any drastic changes. And indeed, it's not like we should have been expecting any visible differences in a mere bug-fix release. But we've all been waiting for this for so long, so we don't mind saying that this feels a little anticlimactic. You know, kinda like those "Total Disclosure" episodes of The X-Files.

In fact, it just occurs to us now that we can't for the life of us remember why we were waiting for this update in the first place. Additional USB and FireWire support? Our Mac OS 9 Macs are FireWire-challenged, and the only USB device they use is a game pad for Virtual Game Station, which already worked fine. Enhanced networking? Yeah, that sounds good-- we figure 9.0.4 patches away that nasty vulnerability to being shanghaied into a distributed denial-of-service attack-- but really, it's not like we're seeing any visible performance differences. Better power management? Now we're talking! But it'll be a while before we're in a position to see any improved battery life on our iBook, assuming the improvement is noticeable in the first place.

Improved audio, video, and graphics functionality... Oh, wait, now we remember! Hang on, let us check something out, here... Yes! The Superfriends "Wazzzzup!" QuickTime movie now plays without lip-sync problems! Cool. Well, that was worth waiting four months for, right?

Geez, everyone's always out to step on our buzz. As soon as we started doing our little happy dance about how the "Redmond Justice" conclusions of law virtually guaranteed that the show would be on the air for years to come, a plethora of articles suddenly appeared to remind us that, since the penalties have yet to be determined, a settlement is still technically possible. And it would be just like Microsoft to weasel out of a multi-season starring contract at the last possible minute. Oh, sure, a settlement still isn't likely, given that Microsoft and the government were reportedly miles apart on their respective ideas of a reasonable settlement (Microsoft: "How about this... We get to continue to do whatever we damn well please and admit no wrongdoing. You get to punch us hard on the arm once, plus we'll throw in a month of MSN for free."), but it's a possibility that haunts us in quiet moments.

But here's the thing; even if the "S" word doesn't happen, there's still no guarantee that the show will be broadcasting three years down the line. Judge Jackson's still making a valiant effort to keep the plot moving along quicker than the glacial pace typically ascribed to the U.S. justice system. As faithful viewer Chris March points out, Microsoft may not have the chance to fight its usual war of attrition; the judge knows full well that if the case drags on, eventually the issues may become irrelevant in the quick-change computer industry. That's why, according to a Washington Post article, Jackson is talking about invoking a little-known clause in the Sherman Antitrust Act that would bypass the Appeals Court completely, and send the case right to the top. That's right, folks: an express ticket to the Supreme Court. Now that would make a "very special episode"! Like when the Saved By The Bell kids went to Hawaii.

So here's the current plan: remedies are to be determined in two months' time, Microsoft's inevitable appeal will be kicked upstairs to the Big Guys, and we may see the final, honest-to-goodness end to this case by New Year's-- but we wouldn't bet on it. And while we wouldn't be happy to see "Redmond Justice" go off the air in a mere nine months, if those nine months are action-packed and chock-full of drama, we suppose we wouldn't mind seeing the show go out with a bang. And a sackful of Emmys.

We all know that computer viruses can be harmful to one's data, but who ever figured on receiving an email message that actually detonates the computer? Yup, that's right; according to The Register, no less an authority than the Weekly World News is reporting that it's "already possible" for an unscrupulous ne'er-do-well to email you an attachment that alters the "electrical current and molecular structure" of your computer's central processing unit, "causing it to blast apart like a large hand grenade." Not just any hand grenade, mind you, but a large one. Holy Silicon Shrapnel, Batman!

Well, that does it. We're configuring our mail server to reject all attachments-- at least until we find out whether the PowerPC is vulnerable to this form of attack. We wouldn't be surprised to hear that only high-clock-speed x86-based chips are affected, since they're already running hot and overtorqued. But any hacker technology that can actually change the molecular structure of a CPU is too dangerous to be ignored. Even if your G3 can't be detonated, it wouldn't be nice to pop open your suddenly-unbootable Mac and find that the processor's been replaced with a small lump of egg salad.

What we're hoping, of course, is that Macs are completely invulnerable to this form of attack, just as they're generally unaffected by many other email viruses that cause corporate America so many headaches. If that turns out to be the case, we anticipate a whole new direction for Apple's advertising: "Our computers may crash, but at least they don't explode." "Buy a Mac, or buy the farm." "That Gateway doesn't seem like such a great deal now, huh, dead boy?" The possibilities are endless.