Houston, we have a problem: our drama detectors are evidently on the fritz! Clearly it's a technical malfunction of some sort, because how else could we possibly have missed the inherent sturm und drang lurking just beneath the surface of Apple's 60 GB Toshiba hard drive order? Oh, sure, we mentioned the order and all, but only as circumstantial evidence that a fourth-generation iPod won't ship until September, while, as it turns out, the dramatic implications run so much deeper. Specifically, since the 1.8-inch 60 GB drives won't ship for weeks yet, Apple could only be using them in an as-yet-unreleased product-- so just why was Toshiba blabbing to the press about Apple's purchase in the first place?

Fortunately, while our own metaphorical nose for conflict was all stuffed up (quick, send Psychic Benadryl!), faithful viewer neopod informs us that Think Secret's Spidey Sense was operating A-OK; the site's latest report describes Apple execs' mood after being outed as Toshiba's first big customer for the upcoming 60 GB drives as "livid" and (with the "-v" option) "more than a little mad." Now that Toshiba has revealed that Apple has ordered a slew of 60 GB 1.8-inch drives, Apple has no plausible means to deny that 60 GB iPods are coming a few months from now. In other words, Toshiba has broken the Cardinal OEM Sin: it revealed information about an unannounced Apple product to the press-- indirectly, sure, but it's still a big no-no. As one analyst puts it, "Toshiba screwed up and it could have major consequences, depending on how upset Steve Jobs is."

What sort of consequences, you ask? Well, let history be your guide. As Think Secret so astutely points out, this screwup is reminiscent of the Great ATI Blabbermouth Debacle of 2000, in which ATI issued a press release announcing its new graphics hardware and mentioning offhandedly that, in a few days' time, Apple would "introduce three new systems with ATI hardware on board," including "a new iMac" and "two Power Mac systems." Considering that the press release came out just days before Macworld Expo and Steve's keynote address, ATI had clearly popped open a Bag o' Felines™ and ruined Steve's surprise. In retaliation, Steve reportedly expunged all references to ATI's new "Radeon" chip from his presentation, scrapped a planned onstage demo of the new hardware, demanded all Radeons be removed from the show floor, and then ate three ATI execs and picked his teeth with their charred and splintered bones.

Now, granted, whereas ATI revealed details about unannounced Macs in an actual press release just days before Steve was to unveil them, Toshiba's sin was arguably far less heinous. For one thing, there was no press release specifically intended to disseminate the info as far as the winds could carry it; for another, Toshiba only mentioned the sale of OEM components, not details about individual unannounced Apple products mere days before their unveiling. All told, we think there's a decent chance that Toshiba will emerge from this mess without having to contact any of its employees' next of kin. Of course, that's entirely up to Steve.

And don't ask us for our own official prediction of just what sort of hurty Toshiban ickiness might ensue now that the company has angered the Great and Powerful Jobs; our drama detectors are flaky, remember? Off the record, though, we're thinking Steve's wrath will be relatively mild-- maybe something involving Toshiba execs and hot pokers, but only surface damage and nothing on the face.

Okay, people, it's official: this whole "patent" thing has just gotten way out of hand-- and we're not talking about Apple, either. Sure, we know that there are some people who think Apple's recent patents and applications have gone a little overboard, like the iPod's interface ("Oooooo," you say, "hierarchical menus") and pentagonal buttons ("Genius!"), but give Apple a little credit; at least it didn't try to patent something as ridiculous as the double-click. Microsoft did.

No, honestly, it did! Sort of, at least; faithful viewer Peter Lalor forwarded us a Sydney Morning Herald article (which now seems to have vanished) about U.S. patent 6,727,830, which was awarded a little over a month ago and covers a "time based hardware button for application launch" on a "limited resource computing device" (which is, technically speaking, any computing device, unless you know of one with infinite RAM). The idea is that the same hardware button can be used to perform different functions depending on whether you press it once quickly, once for a longer period of time, or "multiple times within a short period of time, e.g., double click."

Now, if you actually read the patent, it's pretty clear Microsoft is talking about those physical application buttons like the ones on a Palm PDA with the little notepad, calendar, etc. icons on them, and not double-clicks on a mouse-- which is probably why the alarmist Herald article has since disappeared. But really, if you read closely and apply just a little bit of wiggle room (less than the courts often allow, frankly), you might decide that this patent really could cover a standard double-click as well; after all, a mouse button is a "hardware button," it can be used for "application launch," and the patent specifically states that it "relates generally to computer systems," not just to PDAs.

Then again, it's not too likely we have to worry about Microsoft actually suing anyone for patent infringement because of a double mouse click, since it'd have a doozy of a time pulling it off; all a defendant would need to do is establish "prior art" by proving that the double-click had already been invented by the time Microsoft claims to have come up with it. Double-clicks have been in use on Apple systems since at the latest, what, early 1983 or so, and Windows 1.0 didn't start polluting the groundwater until late 1985. And we can't say for sure about the mouse-driven, GUI-based Xerox PARC systems from the early '70s that inspired the Lisa/Mac projects, but we have to assume that double-clicks existed on those as well. So don't freak out or anything, unless you really, really want to.

Now that we think about it, actually, we're wondering just when Microsoft thinks it invented the time-sensitive button press specifically for PDAs. (By the way, does anyone else think it's totally frickin' moronic that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office doesn't require inventors to state a date of invention on patent applications, so people contesting on the basis of prior art just have to sue and cross their fingers? Talk about keeping lawyers in Beemers 'n' bling-bling). Palm devices predate Window CE ones, and we know that at least some early Palm devices let you press the Phone button to bring up the contact list, or press and hold it to start beaming your own contact record to another Palm. And if you're not limiting prior art to PDAs but to all "limited resource computing devices," we have a digital alarm clock from forever ago on which pressing and holding the minutes button advances the minutes by quarter-hour increments. So actually, the whole patent is probably rubbish in any context.

On the plus side, though, at least Microsoft isn't suing Apple to force it to license the double-click; if that were happening, all sorts of crazy stuff would be fair game. Why, some crazy German who patented a "stereobelt" in the '70s would probably be suing Apple because he considers the iPod an infringement! Ha! Wouldn't that be wacky?

Wait... he's considering it? Holy cats, faithful viewer Small Paul slipped us an article from The Independent that says this "stereobelt" guy just collected a settlement from Sony for the Walkman and is now "threatening to use his payout to sue Apple Computer, whose iPod portable music player is the digital successor to the Walkman." Sigh. Maybe we should all just go back to sticks, rocks, and twine...

Your attention, please! If the psychiatrist of a Mr. Michael Eisner is in the audience, please be advised: it's time to up the dosage. The man makes public appearances while dangerously unbalanced, and says things that can only indicate a complete and utter schism with reality. As for the cause of this frightening behavior, we aren't mental health care professionals, so we can only speculate; maybe it's got something to do with the stress of finally accepting the fact that a lot of people hate him and think he's incompetent. Who knows? That's your job, not ours. All we know is, the guy's talking like a crazy person.

Get this: faithful viewer Boesterama pointed out a Reuters article in which the Disney CEO is clearly mired way down there in the depths of denial. When speaking about the failed Pixar negotiations which will deprive Disney of potentially billions of dollars of revenue, Eisner claims that there's "still a chance for a new film distribution deal." While he fully acknowledges that talks between the two companies haven't reopened (so we suppose he's not completely out of touch yet), quoth the psycho, "I will not believe it is over until it is over... I am just an eternal optimist."

Now, nuts he may be, but technically he's right about the game not actually being over; Pixar's contract doesn't expire until the end of next year, and as we mentioned last week, Steve hasn't exactly been pushing the whole "finding a replacement" thing. On top of that, a couple of months ago reports started to surface that Steve's only real objection to working with Disney is Eisner himself, and that he'd absolutely reconsider a new deal with the House o' Mouse if Eisner quits or gets hauled out on his kiester. So yeah, Mikey's correct: it isn't over until it's over-- but it won't be not over until it's all over. Or something.

In other words, if Eisner would finally learn to take a freakin' hint already (you know, like a 45% vote of no confidence from the shareholders, a 72.5% vote of no confidence from his own company's 401(k) plan participants, Walt's own nephew calling him a loser, Steve Jobs spitting in his milk at the lunch table, etc.) and trade in his CEOship for something more his speed-- say, making colorful lanyards to sell table-to-table at the local Wendy's-- then Disney and Pixar could have the storybook happy ending that always used to work so well in the Magic Kingdom.

Not that we expect that ever to happen, mind you; Eisner has made it abundantly clear that he's not budging until a half-dozen no-necks show up with crowbars and tire irons... and if the board of directors is so completely in Eisner's front pocket (along with an N*SYNC keychain, a half-dozen warm Gummi Bears, and a really cool nickel he flattened on the train tracks last week) that it didn't can him after that last shareholders meeting, it won't send in the goon squad until he runs amuck with a chainsaw and neglects to apologize for all the death and mayhem.

Which means this whole situation is hurtling toward tragedy. Quick! Fetch the straitjacket, before it's too late!