If you ask us, time's plowing forward way too fast these days. Can you believe that today marks the iMac's fifth birthday? That's right, it was exactly five years ago today that the iMac's original incarnation burst forth from Apple's forehead clad in Bondi Blue armor, carrying within it depths of wisdom that only now have become understood by the world at large. Oh, sure, there are still a few holdouts protectively clutching floppies to their chests with a grim look of determination, but for the most part the civilized world has come to accept the floppy's well-deserved demise as originally heralded by the iMac's debut. And what about the elimination of legacy ports? Five years ago the acronym "USB" stood for "What The Dingus Is THIS Port?" These days, however, USB isn't just ubiquitous, it's v-, w-, and x-biquitous as well. You can't buy a freakin' microwave burrito anymore without discovering at least two USB ports on the back.

(There was also, of course, the iMac-driven Colored Translucent Plastic Revolution, which, in these enlightened times, is rarely mentioned anymore-- and then only in guarded whispers by people glancing furtively from side to side. Now let us never speak of it again.)

But their paradigm-bending legacy aside, are the original iMacs still relevant half a decade later? Longtime viewers may recall that five years ago today, the AtAT staff actually woke up early on a Saturday (a feat we've only repeated since for Apple retail grand openings) and drove a couple of hours across state lines in order to purchase the only three iMacs on the planet that hadn't already been spoken for by anxious preorderers. One was for us, one was for Jack's dad, and one was for Amy-- a Friend o' AtAT who was trading up from a decidedly all-too-beige Power Mac 7300. We're not sure if Amy's is still in active service (she's since bought a Graphite iBook and then a titanium PowerBook G4), but ours is still running, albeit mostly as a sync station for one of our Treos, and Dad's is definitely getting plenty of use-- at least judging by the troubleshooting call we got just a couple of nights ago. (Helpful tip: a Pro Mouse probably won't work if it's plugged into the keyboard which is plugged into a hub which is plugged into the iMac.) So if you were wondering about an iMac's mandatory retirement age, apparently five years ain't it.

Still, even in the Mac world, where systems tend to stay usable and productive long after similarly-aged Wintels have been relegated to doorstop duty, five years is still a hefty chunk of time, so the original iMac is starting to look just a little bit tired. Its 233 MHz G3 processor is starting to fall below the minimum requirements of some new mainstream software. It lacks FireWire, so it can't host an iPod or an iSight. And while technically it'll be able to run Panther, we suspect that actually trying it might make you drastically redefine your internal definition of the word "run." (We'll let you know, since we'll probably try to shoehorn Panther on ours as soon as it ships.)

But just because it looks a little droopy doesn't mean it doesn't also look fantastic for its age. Industrial-design-wise, it still puts the vast majority of the Wintel world to shame, and if you ask us, it even holds up pretty well against the Apple products of today. Face it, this thing is aging like Cher. So happy birthday, iMac, and here's to many more years of fun before you leave a great-looking corpse!

No fair! Between the Blaster worm turning the world's Wintel networks into soup and that "nine-second event" that plunged most of the Northeast into darkness and chaos, this has been a great week to engage in that delightful calorie-burning activity known as "blind panic." But we only use Macs around here, of course, so Blaster wasn't even a blip on our radar, and even though there were reports of power outages in the Boston area, the AtAT compound kept on chewing up the kilowatt-hours like an endless supply of free mini-muffins. Even our server in New Jersey was apparently unaffected. So it seems like everyone got to go hysterical but us. We demand a recount!

Well, folks, since we're in dire need of the stress release that only a solid dose of visceral terror can bring and we're not in the mood to go pull down any power lines, here's what we're gonna do: we're going to harp on the latest security flaw found in Mac OS X. That's right, just because we Mac users didn't get to participate in the Blaster hysteria (well, other than by pointing and giggling), that doesn't mean we can't freak out about our own security holes every once in a while. A Secunia advisory describes a "highly critical" vulnerability in Mac OS X which "can be exploited by malicious people to compromise a vulnerable system."

AAAAIIIIIIIIEIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

"The vulnerability is caused due to an off-by-one error in the 'fb_realpath()' function. This may be exploited via an application using the vulnerable function by specifying a path where the resolved path length is exactly 1024 characters long."

No! No! We don't really understand what any of that means, but sweet lord in heaven, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"The vulnerability has specifically been reported to affect the FTPServer and Libc projects."

Gasp! No, not FTPServer and Libc! Anything but FTPServer and Libc! Take us instead, lord, but please, please spare FTPServer and Libc! They're good projects, what never done no harm to nobody!

"Successful exploitation may grant a malicious person 'root' privileges."

Oh, merciful heaven, not "root" privileges! Please, let it be anything but "root" priv-- actually, you know what? We feel better now. Never mind. Just make sure you install Security Update 2003-08-14 before the bad guys gain access to your system, okay? Heck, chances are you already saw it pop up in Software Update long before you even heard about the bug itself. And don't let this one slide! Root access to your Mac isn't that much better than the big stinkin' mess that Microsoft let in the door with its "Homeland Security Buyer's Remorse Bug" that made Blaster possible in the first place.

Wow, that was invigorating! We're going to wait until sundown and then turn off all the lights and pretend a transformer blew. This is the most fun we've had in minutes!

By now you're all well aware that AtAT is not only your one-stop shop for all your snarky melodramatic Mac-themed commentary needs, but also the place to go for tips on fabulous deals and once-in-a-lifetime values on high-caliber merchandise that will improve the quality of your lives. Sort of. Well, at least we occasionally tell you how to score free iPods by winning and/or presenting major entertainment awards. That counts, right?

Well, here's the latest tip we're going to share with you: how you can get Mac OS X for just $25, with a free copy of Keynote thrown in, to boot. But wait, there's more! You also get twelve months' worth of telephone tech support for your shiny new operating system via AppleCare Professional SupportLine & Tools and a copy of "Getting Started with Mac OS X" self-paced training software. All together, that's a value of... um... well, let's see, $129 for Mac OS X, $99 for Keynote... figure maybe fifty bucks for the AppleCare... training software... carry the 2... well, it's a lot. Like, maybe $400 or something. And you get it for the low, low price of just twenty-five clams!

"Gee whillikers, that is indeed a super deal, AtAT," we can hear you say. "But it sounds too good to be true! What's the catch?" No catch, my friend; these are just the terrific values you spot when you tune in to AtAT. Well, that and you have to be buying Mac OS X for at least a thousand Macs, but hey, everyone buys in bulk, right? It's no different from buying a fifty-gallon drum of tartar sauce from Costco, and who hasn't done that?

Well, okay, there's one more catch: you sort of have to be a school district. But surely the act of purchasing 999 extra second-hand Macs, scattering them across a few abandoned buildings you can pick up for cheap, hiring teachers, and getting your properties accredited as official educational institutions is a negligible hassle to undergo in order to qualify for the incredible money-saving offer of Mac OS X and Keynote plus phone support plus training software for just $25 per Mac, right? So hop to it! Get those schools up and running and then take advantage of Apple's Mac OS X District License Program; it's just been extended through September 27th, so you've got plenty of time.

Hey, and once your schools have their educatin' mojo goin' on and you're enjoying your thousand $25 copies of Mac OS X, maybe you can school Apple's web gnomes a bit. Check out this quote from the District License Program page: "If your district has less than 1000 Mac OS X-capable systems, please call 1-800-747-7483. One of our Apple Software representatives will assist you with a offer that meets your needs." Less than 1000 systems? A offer? We is appalled.