Ladies and gentlemen, we have officially arrived at the conclusion that Apple's forthcoming handheld device is nothing more than an elaborate April Fool's joke gone way too far. After all, we've been waiting for this thing ever since Apple canned the Newton over two years ago; at that time the semi-official word was that Apple would return to the handheld market in 1999. So we followed the vague rumors wherever they took us: around the circular path of "Mac OS Lite," up the virtual dead-end enigma of "Columbus" (remember that?), and along the highway known as "P1" that transformed in mid-trip from a handheld to a six-and-a-half-pound iBook. So here we are two years later, still thumbing a ride on the rumor du jour: Apple's top-secret collaboration with Palm. And just like clockwork, Mac OS Rumors throws another curve in the road: now the "iPad" is supposed to be a full-fledged Mac OS X device. Stop the world, we want to get off.

Here's the latest from MOSR: Apple's handheld is not going to be a $200 Palm OS-based handheld, as previously expected. Now the "iPad" is going to be a Mac through and through. It'll be based on a "simplified" UMA-2 motherboard, it'll have an honest-to-goodness PowerPC processor, and it'll run Mac OS X, Aqua and all. What's more, while the size of this thing is unspecified, you can take a hint from the statement that the iPad will use a "trackpad/stylus combination" for input; we're thinking "bigger than a Palm, smaller than a laptop." All this for just $599.

Okay, so it sounds cool. But if these latest iPad rumors are true, then it'd mean Apple has learned zilch since it deep-sixed the Newton. Say what you will about it, but the last incarnation of the Newton was a fantastic device. It failed primarily because, while it was much more capable than other PDAs, the market was very willing to give up advanced features like a 320x480 screen, a fully-functional TCP/IP stack, two PCMCIA slots, and real, working handwriting recognition to save on size, weight, and cost. The Newton MessagePad 2100 weighed over a pound, couldn't fit into most pockets, and cost on the order of a grand. Most people just wanted to track their addresses and appointments; why shell out for a luggable Newton when the Palm was smaller, lighter, and cheaper?

So the very idea that Apple's working on a replacement for the Newton (which the company dubbed a failure) that appears to inherit all of the Newton's shortcomings, well, we keep expecting Steve Jobs to leap out from behind a bush and yell "April Fool's!" We'll reserve final judgment until this vaporous device actually ships, of course, but we're increasingly convinced that Apple's handheld is nothing more than disinformation of the highest order. And if Apple doesn't announce something soon, it's Palms and second-hand Newtons across the board here at AtAT headquarters.

So you seek the swiftness of the hare, though your Mac be a beige sloth? Step wisely, Grasshopper, for the path to speed is fraught with peril. It may sound like a bad fortune cookie, but you'd be wise to take this advice to heart: certain beige G3 Macs just aren't wired for upgrades. According to a Macworld article, if your beige G3 just happens to have a voltage regulator module made by Royal Technology, popping in a fast G3 or G4 ZIF upgrade could leave your new processor a crispy critter. Now don't panic, or anything-- those particular VRMs are just dandy when used with the factory-installed processor, but they aren't too bright when faced with a faster chip than the one that Apple shipped in the machine; they'll supply "far too much power" to your upgrade and fry it like a moth hitting a bug-zapper.

What's worse, there's no way to know whether your Mac is one of the affected models without popping the hood and poking around on the motherboard. At least the upgrade-frying VRMs are clearly labeled "ROYAL TECHNOLOGY," so a quick check should tell you at once whether you'd be buying your upgrade a one-way ticket to the Silicon Afterlife. Newer Technology has started shipping their ZIF upgrades with detailed warnings about this potential pitfall, and we expect that other upgrade manufacturers will soon follow suit. For the unlucky minority of end-users who have a Royal VRM instead of the more widely-used Raytheon part, apparently it's possible to replace the VRM with a model that will provide the correct amount of power to an upgraded processor.

Apple, of course, is adamant that this is neither a bug nor a "flaw" nor an "issue" with the affected beige G3s; since those particular Macs were never designed to be upgraded (and Apple never marketed them as such), we agree that the onus of solving this difficulty rests squarely on the shoulders of the upgrade sellers. Still, it's not hard for the overly-imaginative to consider that Apple pulled this stunt deliberately, in an early attempt to curtail the process of upgrading one's Mac. It's no secret that Apple's been anti-upgrade for years now-- probably ever since that legal flap about those "PowerPC-upgradeable" Performas several years back. Remember the Blue Blocker scandal? If you're the conspiracy-minded type, just think of this VRM thing as an early test-flight...

There's something exhilarating about watching a stock in free-fall. Even though it represents financial ruin for millions of people, it's like seeing a traffic accident and not being able to look away. And while the markets were closed when the last big bombshell was dropped in the ongoing "Redmond Justice" saga, CNNfn reports that Microsoft's stock tumbled ten points in off-hours trading, on the news that, after over four months, settlement talks had finally completely broken down and that Microsoft would have to face Judge Jackson's verdict after all. And who knows what financial horrors Monday may bring...

In fact, whither MSFT goest, so goeth the rest of the tech stocks, to a certain extent. We can't say we'd be surprised if Microsoft's travails send the NASDAQ into a nasty little tailspin, even if just for a day or two. And even though that spells trouble for our 401K funds (which almost certainly have MSFT heavy in the mix somewhere), heck, we wouldn't be seeing that dough for decades anyway-- we're willing to hock our future well-being for the sake of a little drama. And let's be realistic, here-- MSFT's the unstoppable stock. We doubt anything the government does is really going to keep its value down for long.

So for those of you who are fearing for your tech investments, fear not; don't panic and sell on Monday when the markets go haywire, and don't go leaping out of any windows. Things will quiet down eventually, and once the dust settles, we're guessing most of the NASDAQ will be just fine. Microsoft's stock will almost certainly trade sharply lower for a while, but look on the bright side-- AAPL will probably barely feel it. Uh, you are investing in Apple more than Microsoft, right? (Note: at broadcast time, MSFT was down almost fourteen points (13%), taking most of the NASDAQ with it; even AAPL's down almost six points. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the carnage!)