Apple's plummeting stock price and new status as "formerly formerly beleaguered" already has us feeling like we've been warped back to 1997; we don't need any more help taking a nostalgic leap back to the Beige Era. That isn't stopping Microsoft from replaying the hits of the mid-late-'90s, however. Why, we can remember it like it was yesterday... sitting in that Boston auditorium, seeing Steve live and in person for the first time ever, and feeling the shock wave hit the crowd full force as Apple's newly-returned founder announced a "strategic partnership" with the Redmond Scourge itself. A $150 million investment from Microsoft in exchange for a litigation cease-fire and the agreement to be the latest shill for Internet Explorer? That night we took six showers and burned our clothes, but it was months before we felt clean again.

So here's the thing: Microsoft's doing it again. No, not for Apple-- sure, Steve admits that his company hit a "speed bump" (and at $9 billion in market capitalization, that's one expensive speed bump), but it's still profitable, it's still growing, and cash-on-hand isn't a particularly touchy subject, thank you very much. Instead, this time Microsoft's shelling out the ducats to a different beleaguered company that's been struggling over the past couple of years: Corel. According to MacCentral, the details of the bailout are eerily familiar; it's yet another "strategic partnership" in which Redmond ponys up a wad of cash (in this case, $135 million for the same type of non-voting stock the company bought from Apple) in exchange for certain... concessions.

Those concessions include the settlement of "outstanding legal issues" (the details of which are, unsurprisingly, not publicly available), which sure sounds a lot like the patent-resolution terms hammered out as a facet of the Apple-Microsoft detente. And this time, instead of enlisting Apple's help to put Internet Explorer on top in the browser wars, Microsoft's latest investment requires that Corel throw its weight behind the Redmond .NET scheme. So Corel's applications will become "rentable" over the 'net, meaning Microsoft's latest plan for world domination now has signed up the two most widely-used office suites in the world: its own, and WordPerfect Office.

Does anyone want to bet that Corel's loudly-voiced plans to market its applications to the Linux market will suddenly get very, very quiet-- sort of the way that the ClarisWorks marketing push seemed to slow down after the Apple-Microsoft deal? And isn't it interesting that in both instances, Microsoft has invested substantial amounts of filthy lucre in high-profile companies that are visible competitors, just when the government's stirring up antitrust trouble? The more things change, the more they stay slimy and retch-inducing.

Lest we be accused of being unbalanced (no cracks!), it's only fair to note that Microsoft's not the only tech giant facing governmental antitrust woes. It seems our very own Apple is attracting its share of unwelcome trade-regulating interest-- in Japan. We all know that here in the U.S., Apple manages to keep the retail prices of its products relatively stable by offering resellers "co-op funds" if they agree not to sell Apple gear below Apple's "minimum advertised price." Technically it's not price-fixing, apparently, since resellers are perfectly free to sell Macs at lower prices; they just won't get that "special cash gift" as a bonus. Clever, right? As Jamie Lee Curtis said in A Fish Called Wanda, "Everyone does it in America."

But longtime viewers will recall that the Japanese government looked somewhat askance at Apple Japan's similar attempts to keep Mac prices at, er, "healthy" levels in the Land of the Rising Sun. In a scene right out of our giddiest drama fantasies, officers of the Japanese Fair Trade Commission actually raided the offices of Apple Japan and its "affiliated wholesalers" last December, hoping to find evidence of blatant wrongdoing. Unfortunately, the only suspicious material they found was a bunch of "Survivor" memorabilia, the possession of which is not a crime-- though it probably should be.

That raid apparently marked the beginning of a ten-month investigation into whether or not Apple Japan violated Japanese antitrust laws. According to The Register, the FTC has stated that the "enquiry was now complete, and that it believed the Mac maker had indeed applied pressure to retailers to ensure they didn't undercut Apple's list prices." D'oh!! It's a fair cop. So what's the penalty? A hefty fine? Jail time for Apple Japan's director of sales? Some particularly harsh form of governmentally-enforced hara-kiri?

Try "D," none of the above. The FTC has declared that "no penalty would be imposed on Apple," so apparently the company is getting off with a warning... this time. We have to assume that the FTC's ten-month investigation turned up no more evidence than its initial office raid-- in other words, not enough to make a case stick. So either Apple Japan's doing a commendable job of walking that fine line between "outright criminal" and "just sort of sleazy," or it's just really good at destroying the evidence. Either way, two thumbs up! And perhaps one day Apple will be big enough to be investigated by the government right here in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Speaking of antitrust drama here in the States (Yeah! We are just the segue kings today!), "Redmond Justice" continues to chug along... but, not at all surprisingly, Microsoft wants it chugging at a much slower pace. In fact, "chugging" would be the wrong word altogether; what Microsoft proposes is more like "sipping," or maybe "nursing a single Coke for four hours until the Denny's manager kicks you out on your patoot." After all, the longer the case drags on, the less relevant any potential remedy will eventually be-- which is why everyone in Redmond did a little touchdown dance when the Supreme Court wussed out and kicked the case back the Appeals Court because they felt the case was "too technical" to take right away.

And so, Microsoft's brazenly looking to delay things as long as humanly possible. Get this: according to the New York Times, the company is asking for over five months just to file its documents for the appeal. Furthermore, Gates's lawyerly minions have learned a thing or two from the software engineering department; evidently they seek to slow things down still further with bloatware, seeing as they've requested permission to file a 56,000-word brief. That's four times longer than the usual upper limit, and "half the length of an average book"-- so what, exactly, is "brief" about that? Sounds to us like Microsoft's looking to clog the pipes with as many words as possible.

The reason for the extraordinarily long filing time and the "brief that isn't," according to Microsoft, is because "the scope of the case is monumental." It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that what kicked off this whole mess over three years ago was the bundling of Internet Explorer in Windows 95, and then Windows 98-- and that under Microsoft's proposed schedule, this whole thing won't get resolved until both those products are long obsolete. On the plus side, despite the fact that the Appeals Court has sided with Microsoft on antitrust issues in the past, it has voiced a preference for a speedy schedule for this case. The Justice Department has until Thursday to submit its own proposed schedule, and Microsoft must respond by the following Tuesday. Shortly after that, the court will set a schedule-- and we'll all see just how Microsoft-friendly it really is. Stay tuned!