Uh-oh, the platform wars have suddenly taken a decidedly personal turn. Apparently Bill Gates got tired of being classified as the quintessential geek, not to mention the constant stinging jabs at his manhood. Personally, we're having a hard time feeling sorry for a man who could run out at lunch and buy the hemisphere of his choice... plus, you know, he pretty much brought it on himself with the sweater, the haircut, and naming his company "Microsoft." Still, it's never too late to pay for a better first impression, so it seems that Microsoft spent a little time trying to defuse the "PC users are styleless geeks" stereotype-- by proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that "PC users are actually more amorous and better dressed than their Mac counterparts."

According to a LinuxFormat article pointed out by faithful viewers Milo Auckerman and Julie Lewis, Microsoft did some digging into the lifestyle differences between Mac and PC users, and then had its PR agency spread the news. Reportedly, the agency told LinuxFormat that "PC users are more amorous than their Mac cousins." The basis for this broad assumption is the fact that "PC users are three times more likely to go out for a romantic meal as their ideal Saturday night than Mac users." Er, not to put too fine a point on it, but has it occurred to Microsoft to find out if perhaps that's because while the PC users are out stuffing their faces, the Mac users would rather stay home and concern themselves with other organs? Amorous this, buddy...

Then there's the bit about how "PC users have dispelled their nerdy image in the face of 'cool' Mac users by being three times more likely to spend more than £200 per month on their wardrobe." Okay, somebody please explain to us how spending a ton of cash on new clothes every month somehow necessarily equates with being "better dressed." Sorry, folks, but the jury's out on that one until someone actually shows us what kind of clothes those PC users are buying with the money they saved when they opted to purchase that CheapoWorkz iCopy 2300. £200 worth of MCSE golf shirts and matching pocket protectors isn't going to get anyone off the "Fashion Don't" page.

But wait! What's this? The exact same Microsoft PR agency re-interpreted the exact same research results and spun it in a totally different direction for MacFormat, LinuxFormat's sister publication. This time around the company plays up Mac users as "more cultured" and "better lovers" than those who use PCs instead. It seems that Mac users are "four times more likely to watch art house movies," "twice as likely to be enjoying Chardonnay at dinner parties," "twice as likely" to be in relationships, and "11% more likely to make quality time for our partners." (Refer to the "organs" bit above.) Ah, Microsoft... always stirring up trouble. Isn't it so typical of them to foment discontent between Mac and PC users by badmouthing each group to the other? Hey, at least we can all settle on some common ground: apparently nobody likes Liam Gallagher.

Unless you've been living in a state of unflinching denial for the past year (and hey, who could blame you?), you know the score in the Megahertz Wars: Motorola (and therefore, Apple), 500 MHz; Intel, 1.5 GHz. At first glance, in clock speed, if not necessarily in actual real world performance, Motorola is getting its clock cleaned. Did we say cleaned? We meant disinfected, microbially scrubbed, decontaminated, and ready for the clean room. Getting trumped threefold at pretty much anything qualifies as "one serious butt-whompin'."

Note that we did say "at first glance," mind you, because most of you are aware that, depending on one's point of view, Intel's not really at 1.5 GHz. Early tests revealed such disappointing performance of Intel's new 1.4 and 1.5 GHz Pentium 4 processor, some stores such as Best Buy have reportedly yanked all P4 systems from their shelves due to "performance and heat issues." And then there's the little matter of that 1.13 GHz Pentium III-- recalled three months ago, with nary a reissue in sight. So fret not, kids! Intel's only beating Motorola by about a factor of two, not three! (This is the part where everyone sarcastically says "woo hoo" while languidly twirling a finger in the air.)

But wait! While watching TV might convince you otherwise, Intel's not the only game in town. Let's not forget about AMD, those spunky upstarts whose Athlon chip has Intel execs standing by with the cyanide tablets. A couple of weeks ago, AMD shipped the 1.2 GHz Athlon-- and since we haven't heard word of a recall yet, evidently this wasn't a "just ship it so we can brag"-type move. Worse still (for Motorola and Intel), The Register reports that AMD has its new "Palomino" Athlon chip running at 1.5 GHz in the lab-- and unlike Intel's beasts, the Palomino is apparently running at that peppy rate without a fan or any other kind of super high-tech strap-on cooling system. It's just using "a simple passive heatsink."

Hmmm... an x86-compatible chip running at 1.5 GHz without a fan? Bad news for Motorola and Intel, maybe, but we bet Apple's engineers are pretty intrigued right about now. We wouldn't be stunned to hear that the mad scientists in Apple's labs are already assembling fanless Athlon-powered Cubes running a skunkworks x86 version of Mac OS X. In a market like this, it's always nice to hedge one's bets...

Hey, you! Are you done with your holiday shopping yet? If you answered "yes," let us rephrase the question slightly: are you done with all of your holiday shopping yet, including purchasing the traditional gifts for the production staff of your favorite Apple-themed soap opera? Uh-huh. That's what we thought. Well, the clock's a-tickin', but don't panic just yet; Apple's gone and lent you a hand, in the form of the Apple Store Holiday Gift Guide.

Yes, there you can find dozens of terrific ideas for all of those hard-to-buy-for Mac enthusiasts on your list. Whether you need something appropriate for an artist, a traveller, a gamer, or some other category, Apple's got plenty of suggestions grouped by type. (Be warned, however, that while "Videomakers" won its own page, "Soap Opera Producers" didn't make the cut.) If you'd rather browse on a budget, Apple has thoughtfully grouped gift ideas into several price ranges, so you can keep an eye on where your money goes. This makes it easy for you to get cheap gifts for the less important Mac users in your life, while saving up enough cash to spend big on those certain special someones who bring you drama and joy every weekday of your otherwise dreary little life.

And so, we'd like to thank Apple for making it simple and straightforward for you-- er, all of us-- to purchase, say, a Canon ZR10 digital camcorder for the people who toil day after day to make our lives special. Between the Gift Guide, One-Click Shopping, and the current free shipping promotion, Apple has bent over backwards to make your holiday shopping as easy and painless as using your Mac. Why, it'd be a crime not to take advantage of this wonderful technology! By the way, on a completely unrelated note, if anyone needs our snail mail address for any reason, we're glad to oblige...