Just what is it about Macs and iffy high-flying schemes for wireless access? The Mac community is already well aware that SkyCorp plans to shoot a few hundred Power Macs into space, with the first launch slated for this October; the idea (so they claim) is to deploy a slew of low-cost orbiting satellites that can provide wireless Internet access to far-flung locales. People scoffed when we proposed that those 544 spaceborne Macs were a crucial component of Steve Jobs's master plan for world domination-- but now that Macs figure heavily in another company's plan to populate the sky with "unmanned planes" serving as airborne telecom towers, who's laughing now?

Faithful viewer S. Fisher tipped us off to an Inter@ctive Week article about another company, SkyTower Telecommunications, who has worked with NASA to create an 1850-pound, six-foot-high solar-powered aircraft with a 247-foot wingspan capable of staying in the air for "six months or longer." Dubbed "Helios," these $10 million planes are intended to fly in circles over big cities to provide "nonstop transmission for broadband services"-- at transfer rates as high as "125 Mbps for a single user." Sound too good to be true?

Well, maybe-- just maybe-- it is. We mentioned that these things are unmanned, but in truth, they do come with a pilot on board: "an Apple Computer Macintosh computer." Ostensibly the Mac is on the plane to "guide it back to Earth when necessary," but only the most naïve rubes would swallow that. If the thought of 544 orbiting Power Macs pumping Reality Distortion Field energy into the planet from all angles gives you chills, consider the prospect of unmanned planes flying around in the stratosphere, radiating RDF over the local populace like a cropduster spraying the season's corn.

While a prototype has already flown successfully, SkyTower doesn't expect to start cranking out Helios planes until 2003. Assuming the company finds a partner to deploy these things (or pretends to, since Steve is likely funnelling funds from Apple's $4 billion war chest into this mind-control project on the sly), we can expect the human race to turn into a pack of mindless Mac-purchasing zombies by 2004. Hmmm, remind us to buy more stock before then...

Have you finally all but given up on the prospect of an Apple handheld? That's probably wise, seeing as most sane individuals quit waiting for such a product well over a year ago when Apple marketing veep Phil Schiller publicly called the handheld rumors "totally unfounded" and stated that, as far as handheld development at Apple was concerned, there was "nothing going on." The rest of us clung desperately to the outside possibility that Steve never let ol' Phil in on the big secret, or that Apple was deliberately trying to quell PDA rumors so that its eventual leap back into that market would be heralded as a wonderful surprise. Still, it's getting late enough that even the most diehard Apple handheld conspiracy theorists must be getting ready to call it quits, right?

Wrong! As long as the teensiest shred of hope remains, you can expect the obsessed to pounce upon every possible piece of evidence with the intensity of a starving tiger. That's why we're eternally grateful to faithful viewer Jeff Duran for noticing that 3Com has just added an Apple personality to its board of directors. MacMinute reports that Apple money dude Fred Anderson has just been roped into serving on 3Com's board. If your reaction to this news is either "So what?" or a simple "Well, good for Fred!" then you're clearly not a hardcore Apple PDA nut-- because otherwise the very fact that 3Com used to own Palm would be enough to get you nodding knowingly as a certain manic look creeps into your eyes.

Keep in mind that most of the work on Apple's new retail store initiative occurred once Gap CEO Mickey Drexler joined Apple's board, and Steve joined the Gap's. So doesn't it seem perfectly natural that Fred's stint on 3Com's board has something to do with a secret partnership and Apple's imminent push into one of 3Com's markets? Er, former markets? C'mon, use your imagination. Perhaps Fred has advised Steve to wait until Palm and Handspring are seriously weakened before swooping in and stealing market share. Well, have you seen Palm's and Handspring's stock prices lately? Surely this is proof positive that an Apple handheld device is due any day now.

Do we have more to offer than this most tenuous connection? Heck no, but that's okay-- we Apple handheld theorists have survived on far thinner scraps in the past. Just get us an Apple-branded Palm OS device, a boxed copy of Mac OS X for Intel, and a press release affirming that Disney has purchased Apple and we'll be right as rain.

Fallout from the unauthorized release of Microsoft Monkeyboy 2001 continues as you'd expect. Those of you who missed it should number yourselves among the very few insanely lucky individuals who have not been traumatized by exposure to Steve Ballmer's... enthusiasm onstage at what appears to have been a corporate pep rally. What's Microsoft's official reaction to the public getting a glimpse of Ballmer's unique motivational techniques? Well, straight from a company spokesperson, here's the party line: "Microsoft employees love how excited Steve is about the company and the software industry. We're glad he's leading Microsoft." Uh, right.

As for the rest of the world, faithful viewer Navarro Parker wrote in to note that no less a news authority than the New York Times is covering the aftermath of the Great Ballmer Outbreak. Curiously, rather than focusing on the widespread retching and projectile vomiting that exposure to the video appears to have caused (since when is "Man Throws Up On Dog" not news?), the Times has chosen to cover the lesser consequence of the release of the Monkeyboy footage: apparently some people have actually taken to mocking Steve Ballmer on the 'net. Really! We're just as shocked as you are that there could be individuals so callous as to makes jokes when thousands of people have suffered so deeply, but hey, that's the world in which we live.

Reportedly many of these online quips center around Mr. Ballmer's suspected caffeine intake, the possibility of illicit drug use, and comments on the man's more simian characteristics. Parodies of the original footage are also starting to make the rounds; one of them reportedly replaces the original soundtrack with "sounds of screeching monkeys" (and someone noticed?), while another makes a rather tasteless comparison to Hitler rallying the troops. (You can also download a Ballmer-based Apple ad created by faithful viewer saltines17, if you're looking for something perhaps a little more positive in tone.) And if you're struck by a desperate urge to plaster Ballmer's image all over your body, there are even Monkeyboy t-shirts available from Electric Escape-- though why anyone would want to wear pictures of such a disturbing man when far more attractive alternatives are available (and cheaper, to boot!) is beyond us.

Meanwhile, the AtAT staff is considering organizing and filing a class action lawsuit on behalf of the millions of unsuspecting viewers who have very likely been rendered sterile as a result of having witnessed Steve Ballmer shrieking like a threatened howler monkey on crack while jumping around as if he had a rabid badger in his pants. If you have suffered any symptoms commonly associated with Post-Ballmer Stress Disorder such as prematurely greying hair, loss of hair, loss of appetite, loss of bladder control, or incessant nightmares featuring sweaty bald men yelling at you, please document the decaying state of your physical and mental health. We'll put the word out once we've enlisted a few states' attorneys general to do the legal heavy lifting.