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High-Altitude Mind Control (8/14/01)
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Just what is it about Macs and iffy high-flying schemes for wireless access? The Mac community is already well aware that SkyCorp plans to shoot a few hundred Power Macs into space, with the first launch slated for this October; the idea (so they claim) is to deploy a slew of low-cost orbiting satellites that can provide wireless Internet access to far-flung locales. People scoffed when we proposed that those 544 spaceborne Macs were a crucial component of Steve Jobs's master plan for world domination-- but now that Macs figure heavily in another company's plan to populate the sky with "unmanned planes" serving as airborne telecom towers, who's laughing now?
Faithful viewer S. Fisher tipped us off to an Inter@ctive Week article about another company, SkyTower Telecommunications, who has worked with NASA to create an 1850-pound, six-foot-high solar-powered aircraft with a 247-foot wingspan capable of staying in the air for "six months or longer." Dubbed "Helios," these $10 million planes are intended to fly in circles over big cities to provide "nonstop transmission for broadband services"-- at transfer rates as high as "125 Mbps for a single user." Sound too good to be true?
Well, maybe-- just maybe-- it is. We mentioned that these things are unmanned, but in truth, they do come with a pilot on board: "an Apple Computer Macintosh computer." Ostensibly the Mac is on the plane to "guide it back to Earth when necessary," but only the most naïve rubes would swallow that. If the thought of 544 orbiting Power Macs pumping Reality Distortion Field energy into the planet from all angles gives you chills, consider the prospect of unmanned planes flying around in the stratosphere, radiating RDF over the local populace like a cropduster spraying the season's corn.
While a prototype has already flown successfully, SkyTower doesn't expect to start cranking out Helios planes until 2003. Assuming the company finds a partner to deploy these things (or pretends to, since Steve is likely funnelling funds from Apple's $4 billion war chest into this mind-control project on the sly), we can expect the human race to turn into a pack of mindless Mac-purchasing zombies by 2004. Hmmm, remind us to buy more stock before then...
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 | | The above scene was taken from the 8/14/01 episode: August 14, 2001: First it was Macs in space; now it's Macs in unmanned solar planes. Meanwhile, Apple money czar Fred Anderson joins 3Com's board of directors, and the world at large is still trying to recover from the damage done by the leaked Steve Ballmer "Monkeyboy" video from last week...
Other scenes from that episode: 3240: Learn To Read The Signs (8/14/01) Have you finally all but given up on the prospect of an Apple handheld? That's probably wise, seeing as most sane individuals quit waiting for such a product well over a year ago when Apple marketing veep Phil Schiller publicly called the handheld rumors "totally unfounded" and stated that, as far as handheld development at Apple was concerned, there was "nothing going on."... 3241: Oh, The (Lack Of) Humanity (8/14/01) Fallout from the unauthorized release of Microsoft Monkeyboy 2001 continues as you'd expect. Those of you who missed it should number yourselves among the very few insanely lucky individuals who have not been traumatized by exposure to Steve Ballmer's... enthusiasm onstage at what appears to have been a corporate pep rally...
Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast... | |  |
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