Man, we really need to get on the stick and make those AtAT brand pink slips, because we think the market could use a high-quality yet inexpensive dismissal notice that discriminating companies can use to lay off their employees with style. We picture a wide range of designer hues ("Spring Blush," "Dew-Kissed Rose Petal," "Slap In The Face," etc.), clever captions ("I Got Downsized And All I Got Was This Lousy Pink Slip"), and a killer marketing slogan ("When You Care Enough To Shaft The Very Best"). After all, demand for these things is at an all-time high, and we're missing the boat in a big way; for instance, as faithful viewer Carl Bond points out, Gateway would probably phoning in one sweet order right about now.

You may recall that Gateway had already secured a spot on the "Just Laid Off Thousands Of Employees" team with Motorola, Compaq, and Dell, having axed some 3000 people back in January. But evidently the company is angling for "Most Valuable Player" status, because according to CNNfn, it just announced another 3500 layoffs-- a 15% reduction of its U.S. work force, and a whopping 25% slashing of its worldwide staff. Oh, and there'll be an additional trim of about 1100 more employees if the company decides to-- get this-- "exit the European market altogether." Yow! Sounds like there's some deep hurting over there in Cow Town.

Seeing as we don't have the merchandise ready by which to profit from this massive bloodletting (that is, unless Gateway CEO Ted Waitt decides that AtAT t-shirts for his departing employees might soften the sting a little), we should probably express our sympathy for the Gateway employees who are about to find cheap, low-quality pink slips stapled to their paychecks this week. It's this darn economy, dagnabbit, and the personal computer price war that has shaved industry-wide profit margins so thin, they make Courteney Cox look Rubenesque by comparison.

Well, actually, maybe not "industry-wide." While Gateway is shovelling employees out the door and getting ready to pull out of entire continents, somehow Apple's margins are still healthy, the company is opening new stores every week, and Steve Jobs and Fred Anderson spend each night dancing the frug atop a pile of $4.2 billion in cash. To paraphrase Ash from Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, "WHO'S BELEAGUERED NOW?!"

Whoa, hold up-- evidently we spoke just a little too soon. While Gateway is indeed struggling to stay afloat, Apple hasn't exactly gone untouched during this economic downturn. In fact, you may recall that Apple, as always, was a trend-setter; when it came to being affected by the sluggish economy, Apple was one of the very first high-tech firms to issue an earnings warning last September pointing to "a business slowdown in all geographies." And the company's not out of the woods yet; according to MacMinute, our own beloved Apple is the latest to succumb to the Layoff Bug. That's right, reportedly Apple has just distributed a round of its own pink slips this week. (Or would they be Strawberry?)

So brace yourselves, people, because if MacMinute's sources are correct, Apple has just cut fifty jobs across the U.S. It's the beginning of the end! Now, granted, for a company that's usually leading while the rest of the industry follows, this is a somewhat pathetic showing compared to the thousands of layoffs in the past year by heavy-hitters like Hewlett-Packard, Dell, and Compaq-- indeed, those fifty layoffs only amount to six-tenths of one percent of Apple's total headcount, according to Yahoo!; considering that Gateway just announced that it's axing a quarter of its worldwide sales staff, we just don't see how Apple can ever hope to catch up.

Moreover, Apple's measly fifty layoffs appear to be motivated more by well-reasoned reorganization than by panicked cost-cutting via the elimination of its own life's blood-- which is simply more evidence that Apple just can't seem to get with the program. Certainly the company had plenty of experience with massive desperation layoffs back in the Amelio era, so there's little excuse for Apple to be trailing the industry so badly in this regard today. But then, Apple has always "thought different," and having "been there, done that," we figure that maybe Steve and the gang prefer to lead rather than follow.

So, in three or four years, expect Gateway et al (assuming they survive) to be making their well-planned and strategic fifty layoffs, while Apple is breaking new ground in the field of mass employee elimination strategies. We're picturing a long line of underperforming staff, a diving board, and a giant blender set to "liquefy"...

Now, here's a quickie that'll make you giggle (especially if you've been drinking). If you're tired of stories about Microsoft that focus on 1) antitrust issues or 2) security holes that you can steer an aircraft carrier through while blindfolded, today we've got something a little different for you: it's Microsoft vs. the American Medical Association on the issue of underage drinking. (Judging by the spelling and content of some of the mail we receive, we're guessing that at least some of you are finally going to be siding with Microsoft in an argument.)

According to an Associated Press article pointed out to us by faithful viewer Matthew Guerrieri, the AMA is going after Microsoft because MSN has apparently been "advertising alcohol-related gifts as back-to-school care packages for homesick college students"-- namely, a "microbrew kit" and "a book of beer drinking games." (Is there a Microsoft drinking game? What, do you chug every time you get an "illegal operation" error? No wonder the AMA's ticked off; most people would be dead of alcohol poisoning in mere hours.)

The AMA calls MSN's move "extremely misguided"; Microsoft, we imagine, privately calls the strategy "playing to one's audience." Publicly, however, MSN has stated that "in this case it appears as though an error was made," and the company is "taking the necessary steps to remove the products." Steps? Isn't it interesting that after being informed of the "error," MSN claims that it can't remove the offending ads right away? Why, a cynical and paranoid individual might go so far as to conclude that Microsoft hopes to capitalize on the free publicity for an extra day before yanking the ads. The rest of you can go on believing MSN's claim that the delay is simply "related to a schedule for updating the web site."

In any case, lest those of you teen drunks out there feel you might have to start actually supporting Microsoft because of this little development, fear not: the company's official stance is that "MSN in no way condones underage drinking," so feel free to continue hurling drunken and slurred verbal abuse in the direction of Redmond whenever you get plastered. And before we get flooded with irate mail accusing us of corrupting the nation's youth, much as it pains us to agree with MSN on any subject in public, our lawyers tell us we should state that AtAT also feels that underage drinking is the dark and nasty evil that's eventually going to send all of western civilization crashing down around our ears. Well, either underage drinking or Windows. Actually, probably Windows. But still, kids, alcohol's a drug, and drugs are bad, mmkay?