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Gateway To Pink Slip City (8/29/01)
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Man, we really need to get on the stick and make those AtAT brand pink slips, because we think the market could use a high-quality yet inexpensive dismissal notice that discriminating companies can use to lay off their employees with style. We picture a wide range of designer hues ("Spring Blush," "Dew-Kissed Rose Petal," "Slap In The Face," etc.), clever captions ("I Got Downsized And All I Got Was This Lousy Pink Slip"), and a killer marketing slogan ("When You Care Enough To Shaft The Very Best"). After all, demand for these things is at an all-time high, and we're missing the boat in a big way; for instance, as faithful viewer Carl Bond points out, Gateway would probably phoning in one sweet order right about now.
You may recall that Gateway had already secured a spot on the "Just Laid Off Thousands Of Employees" team with Motorola, Compaq, and Dell, having axed some 3000 people back in January. But evidently the company is angling for "Most Valuable Player" status, because according to CNNfn, it just announced another 3500 layoffs-- a 15% reduction of its U.S. work force, and a whopping 25% slashing of its worldwide staff. Oh, and there'll be an additional trim of about 1100 more employees if the company decides to-- get this-- "exit the European market altogether." Yow! Sounds like there's some deep hurting over there in Cow Town.
Seeing as we don't have the merchandise ready by which to profit from this massive bloodletting (that is, unless Gateway CEO Ted Waitt decides that AtAT t-shirts for his departing employees might soften the sting a little), we should probably express our sympathy for the Gateway employees who are about to find cheap, low-quality pink slips stapled to their paychecks this week. It's this darn economy, dagnabbit, and the personal computer price war that has shaved industry-wide profit margins so thin, they make Courteney Cox look Rubenesque by comparison.
Well, actually, maybe not "industry-wide." While Gateway is shovelling employees out the door and getting ready to pull out of entire continents, somehow Apple's margins are still healthy, the company is opening new stores every week, and Steve Jobs and Fred Anderson spend each night dancing the frug atop a pile of $4.2 billion in cash. To paraphrase Ash from Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, "WHO'S BELEAGUERED NOW?!"
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And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors |
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 | | The above scene was taken from the 8/29/01 episode: August 29, 2001: More PC price war casualties: Gateway announces that it's laying off another three or four thousand people and possibly bailing on Europe entirely. Meanwhile, Apple issues its own layoffs (what, only fifty?), and the AMA goes after MSN for advertising alcohol-related merchandise to college kids...
Other scenes from that episode: 3273: Times Are Tough ALL Over (8/29/01) Whoa, hold up-- evidently we spoke just a little too soon. While Gateway is indeed struggling to stay afloat, Apple hasn't exactly gone untouched during this economic downturn. In fact, you may recall that Apple, as always, was a trend-setter; when it came to being affected by the sluggish economy, Apple was one of the very first high-tech firms to issue an earnings warning last September pointing to "a business slowdown in all geographies."... 3274: MSN Says To Party Hearty (8/29/01) Now, here's a quickie that'll make you giggle (especially if you've been drinking). If you're tired of stories about Microsoft that focus on 1) antitrust issues or 2) security holes that you can steer an aircraft carrier through while blindfolded, today we've got something a little different for you: it's Microsoft vs.t he American Medical Association on the issue of underage drinking...
Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast... | |  |
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