Okay, everyone knows that the stock market as a whole is currently in what we like to call "a world of hurt"; truth be told, it wasn't that healthy even before the World Trade Center was attacked, and now it's pretty much just lying there and twitching. When last we checked, the NASDAQ had slipped below 1500, and the Dow was down almost a couple of grand from pre-attack levels. We may not understand exactly what that means (to us the stock market is a bunch of funny guys yelling all at once and waving pieces of paper), but we're pretty sure it's not good.

So you've donated blood, you've given money to the Red Cross, and now you're casting about for yet another way to help out in this time of crisis. Well, we've heard a rumor that might just be crazy enough to be true: apparently, when people buy stocks, their prices go up. If that's correct, since one of the obvious objectives of last Tuesday's attack was to cripple the U.S. economy, it seems to us that buying a few shares of stock in a company you trust might actually qualify as a bona fide contribution to the overall recovery-- in a purely capitalistic sense, of course.

Note that we're not actually suggesting that you buy stock, since that would be unwise on our part, if not patently illegal. But let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you've been meaning to invest in AAPL for a while, now. Well, despite the fact that (as faithful viewer James Hromadka points out) Morningstar.com says Apple has a stronger chance of competing successfully in the home PC market than even the post-Compaq buyout Hewlett-Packard and that, as The Mac Observer reports, an analyst for A.G. Edwards feels that Apple is "least likely to be impacted by recent events," Apple's stock price has been sinking southward ever since the markets reopened on Monday.

Now, if you arrive at the conclusion that investing in Apple is a financially prudent move, a way to ameliorate the effect of last week's attack, and possibly even your sacred duty as a member of the Mac community, we're certainly not going to stand in your way-- indeed, our barely-clinging-to-life stock portfolio (which, we mention in the interest of full disclosure, does include AAPL) might even limp over and kiss you full on the mouth. However, we realize that people don't have a lot of cash to throw around these days-- plus, maybe you're thinking about buying Apple stock as a gift for a fellow Mac maven. If so, perhaps you're wondering, as faithful viewer Lunar Obverse did, how you can purchase a single share of AAPL.

Many thanks to faithful viewer Alan Carr, then, for reminding us about OneShare. Those folks let you order a single share in physical certificate form for a $39 fee over and above the share price, and if you kick in a little more, you can even order it framed. (Getting ideas for the upcoming holiday season?) Remember, owning even one share of AAPL qualifies you to attend Apple's annual shareholders' meeting, and you get the annual report in the mail as well. If you go this route, you're evidently in good company: Apple is first on OneShare's list of its top ten best sellers.

We should also point out that, right now, on every transaction, OneShare is donating 50% of its fee to the Red Cross-- both to contribute directly to the rescue effort, and in hopes of persuading more people to purchase stock and counteract the effect of the attack on the financial markets. While buying one share of stock certainly isn't going to pull Wall Street out of its tailspin, we imagine it's like donating blood: every drop counts.

While there's still no official word on whether Steve Jobs will be relieving Phil Schiller of his duties at next week's Seybold keynote, the Vegas bookies are giving heavy odds on at least a tag-team appearance. After all, the only reason why Steve wasn't handling the Seybold gig in the first place was because he had a prior engagement-- namely, the keynote at the Apple Expo in Paris the very same week. Now that the Paris shindig has been nixed in the interest of safety, though, Steve is footloose and fancy-free as far as preaching to the masses is concerned.

Actually, there may be a shred of evidence that Steve is planning on showing up at the Moscone Center in person to pump the crowd so full of Reality Distortion Field energy their shoes will glow in the dark for a week; faithful viewer Mark Chally notes that on at least one web page, Seybold's site lists both Steve and Phil in Tuesday's "Special Keynote" slot-- and Steve gets top billing. Personally, we wouldn't be surprised if the schedule were like that all along, however, conveniently neglecting to mention that Steve's part was originally limited to a live-via-satellite introduction of his right-hand Phil. (For what it's worth, the official keynote page still lists Phil first, with Steve relegated only to a "live introduction via satellite" bit part.)

We don't mind telling you that we're a little concerned about Phil; after years of playing second banana and keynoting only at lesser events like QuickTime Live! and Cupertino's annual Chili Cook-Off, this was his big chance to break into the big time-- and now he faces the possibility of having it yanked away again. The ultimate disappointment, of course, would be for Steve to grab the main keynote role and only call Phil out to lend a mousing hand for the inevitable Mac vs. Wintel bake-off and maybe to jump off a platform while holding an AirPort-equipped iBook or something. Here's hoping that Phil is indeed the jovial, easygoing fella he appears to be, and not a simmering volcano of repressed rage ready to explode with the force of a thousand suns. Otherwise Steve might have been safer in Paris after all.