Video pros, commence "oooh"-ing and "aaah"-ing; it took a while for Apple's Final Cut Pro page to cease touting the many benefits of version 2 of that laudable editing tool, but in the meantime MacNN indicated that the Apple Store was offering the full rundown on Final Cut Pro 3, so we got the distant early warning. Since then, Apple's FCP page has finally caught up with reality, so believe it: version 3 is finally here. And while we at AtAT aren't video geeks, we can only assume that folks who make their living with this stuff are going to be experiencing steam-shooting ears, flipping head-tops, giant bug-out eyes on little stalks, and any number of other cartoony reaction effects when they get a load of what FCP3 has to offer.

Check it out: first and foremost, FCP3 is Mac OS X-native-- so that heavy-duty application is finally running on a heavy-duty OS, just like the video gods intended. Then there's a slew of new features like "top notch color correction," "integrated compositing," a new storage format called "OfflineRT," and lots of other stuff that means extraordinarily little to "Even iMovie Baffles Us" video ignoramuses like ourselves, but which probably sounds really good to the pros out there. But even we can tell what FCP3's killer feature is, and it's definitely a doozy. Ready for this? Final Cut Pro 3 supports real-time effects, which, as far as we can tell, makes it something of a holy grail for people who edit footage for a living.

Yes, if you've got the gear (at least a 500 MHz G4 and 384 MB of RAM), FCP3 apparently lets you apply video effects to footage in real time, all without dedicated PCI hardware. And that does mean something to our iMovie-using selves, since we're all too familiar with staring at that little red progress line while our PowerBook chews through a Star Wipe. What's more, FCP3 can render real-time effects on a PowerBook (well, provided it's the latest 667 MHz model), making for what we assume to be the very first portable real-time video editing rig, and one that only costs about four grand to buy. Again, we're not in the biz, but this strikes us as a distinction that puts Apple way out in front of the pack.

Perhaps best of all, Final Cut Pro 3 is available now-- at least, that's the conclusion we draw from the Apple Store's estimated ship time of "1 day." There may be a few gripes out there from sourpusses who find the hardware requirements for real-time effects a little on the steep side, or (more likely) who are a bit miffed at Apple for charging $299 for the upgrade when they've already shelled out a cool grand for version 2. But those are relatively small complaints (especially considering how much money customers would have to spend on dedicated real-time hardware), and they're more than offset by FCP3's greatest improvement of all: the box is now black. Upgrade today!

Mac OS X users, we know exactly what you're thinking: this new operating system arrived just too darn fast. After all, Apple bought NeXT in late 1996, and here we are, using the end result of that purchase a mere five years later. Only five years for the development of an operating system? Hold up there, Sparky, we're Mac users; we're not used to that kind of blazing developmental speed. Where was the ill-fated collaboration with IBM in all of this? Where was the horribly mismanaged OS project that sucked up millions of dollars and uncountable man-hours before it was finally scrapped as a lost cause? 'Cause, you know, five years... that kind of speedy delivery's enough to give us Mac users a pretty severe case of whiplash.

In fact, it was far less than five years, because Mac OS X 10.0 actually shipped way back in March-- and that's another problem we have with the speed demons in charge of Apple's OS development: the updates are arriving too quickly, too. Geez, 10.0 hits the shelves, a mere six months elapses, and suddenly we find ourselves staring at Mac OS X 10.1-- an overhaul major enough to have quieted a fair number of 10.0 complaints. Of course, there was one complaint that it only exacerbated: "These Mac OS X versions are coming so fast and furious our mortal minds simply can't handle the sheer velocity!" Never mind that 10.1 essentially only "fixed" a bunch of stuff that was wrong or missing in 10.0; a major upgrade is a major upgrade, and many a Mac user just couldn't handle the G-force and died in staring incomprehension of Apple's blistering rate of development.

But never let it be said that Apple doesn't listen to its customers. Faithful viewer scubus pointed out an eWeek article which indicates that the mothership is tightening the spigot a little when it comes to these rushing OS X upgrades. The next "significant revision," code-named "Jaguar" and expected to ship under as 10.2, was reportedly slated for delivery this January at Macworld Expo; now, however, Apple has seen fit to postpone that release until "early summer." eWeek claims that this decision was based on "internal concerns over the quality control of recent OS updates," but we know better. True, Mac OS X 10.1.1 did indeed introduce a few stability problems for some people when that update surfaced a few weeks back, but we'd bet dollars to doughnuts that the real reason for the delay of 10.2 is because if Mac users were to get yet another major OS upgrade just four months after the last one, our heads would shoot off our necks with a satisfying little popping noise.

So fear not, folks; Apple's looking out for our welfare by reining in these fast and furious OS updates so we don't suffer any undue mental trauma. And if this means we get OS versions that also just happen to have more features and fewer bugs, well, heck-- that's one nice side effect. Best of all, for those of you addicted to speed, fear not; minor updates should arrive frequently enough to take the edge off. Why, we understand that 10.1.2 is due any day now...

You know, it never really occurred to us before, but now that we think about it, it's possible that maybe-- just maybe-- there are drawbacks to forming diagnoses of mental illness without any sort of relevant training or certification. Case in point: we now find ourselves forced to reevaluate our long-held opinion that Michael Dell is afflicted with a deep-seated and dangerous obsession with Steve Jobs and all things Apple. New evidence has now come to light which suggests that Mr. Dell is not a psychotic compelled to replicate Steve's life and company as closely as possible. Therefore, we have altered our theory accordingly... and are now firmly convinced that Dell is simply another Apple that fell through a wormhole from an alternate parallel universe. Plausibility fans, rejoice!

Think about it for a moment; sure, we live in a society in which crazy rich people are often allowed to roam freely as "eccentrics," but for all his money, if every single one of Mike Dell's, er, peccadilloes is to be explained away as yet another symptom of mental peculiarity, even the most tolerant observer would be forced to conclude that the man is a raving psychotic in dire need of Happy Pills and physical restraints. Surely a man that sick wouldn't be walking around without a straitjacket, no matter how rich he is. That's why we were forced to tweak our explanation a little, and after watching a whole lot of episodes of "The Twilight Zone" and "The Outer Limits", we hit upon the now-obvious answer: Mike Dell isn't trying to be like Steve... He is Steve, albeit a Steve from another (and far less classy) dimension. Think about it for a while and suddenly all the pieces fit together.

Incidentally, the final clue which made us absolutely sure that Mike and his company are just a reality-inverted version of Steve and Apple came to us courtesy of faithful viewer Torgo, who just happened to spot a Reuters article about how Dell is planning to "lure Chinese buyers with cheap PCs." That's not the interesting bit. The interesting bit is that Dell's "president for Asia-Pacific and Japan" is named "William Amelio." Yes, Will Amelio.

The way we see it, there are only three possible explanations for this startling situation. The first is that it's just a staggering coincidence-- but really, some things are simply beyond the realm of all probability. The second is that Mike Dell is so thoroughly insane, he's purposely hiring people for leadership positions who happen to have incredibly similar names as former Apple bigwigs; this, too, strikes us as terribly unlikely, because a man so far gone would clearly have been locked away long before now. That leaves the last: Mike is the Anti-Steve from some backwards alternate universe where Gil-- uh, we mean Will-- Amelio wasn't kicked out, but simply kicked downstairs to head up the Asia operations. This "Bizarro Apple" theory also handily explains why Dell enjoys a ton of success by selling cheap, unimaginative gear; why Mike is seemingly "obsessed" with copying Apple's innovations but making them bland and ugly in the process; and why, whereas the real Steve is fond of wearing shorts and going barefoot, Mike is known to wear brown slacks and loafers even in the shower. It all fits into place!