You know, it never really occurred to us before, but now that we think about it, it's possible that maybe-- just maybe-- there are drawbacks to forming diagnoses of mental illness without any sort of relevant training or certification. Case in point: we now find ourselves forced to reevaluate our long-held opinion that Michael Dell is afflicted with a deep-seated and dangerous obsession with Steve Jobs and all things Apple. New evidence has now come to light which suggests that Mr. Dell is not a psychotic compelled to replicate Steve's life and company as closely as possible. Therefore, we have altered our theory accordingly... and are now firmly convinced that Dell is simply another Apple that fell through a wormhole from an alternate parallel universe. Plausibility fans, rejoice!

Think about it for a moment; sure, we live in a society in which crazy rich people are often allowed to roam freely as "eccentrics," but for all his money, if every single one of Mike Dell's, er, peccadilloes is to be explained away as yet another symptom of mental peculiarity, even the most tolerant observer would be forced to conclude that the man is a raving psychotic in dire need of Happy Pills and physical restraints. Surely a man that sick wouldn't be walking around without a straitjacket, no matter how rich he is. That's why we were forced to tweak our explanation a little, and after watching a whole lot of episodes of "The Twilight Zone" and "The Outer Limits", we hit upon the now-obvious answer: Mike Dell isn't trying to be like Steve... He is Steve, albeit a Steve from another (and far less classy) dimension. Think about it for a while and suddenly all the pieces fit together.

Incidentally, the final clue which made us absolutely sure that Mike and his company are just a reality-inverted version of Steve and Apple came to us courtesy of faithful viewer Torgo, who just happened to spot a Reuters article about how Dell is planning to "lure Chinese buyers with cheap PCs." That's not the interesting bit. The interesting bit is that Dell's "president for Asia-Pacific and Japan" is named "William Amelio." Yes, Will Amelio.

The way we see it, there are only three possible explanations for this startling situation. The first is that it's just a staggering coincidence-- but really, some things are simply beyond the realm of all probability. The second is that Mike Dell is so thoroughly insane, he's purposely hiring people for leadership positions who happen to have incredibly similar names as former Apple bigwigs; this, too, strikes us as terribly unlikely, because a man so far gone would clearly have been locked away long before now. That leaves the last: Mike is the Anti-Steve from some backwards alternate universe where Gil-- uh, we mean Will-- Amelio wasn't kicked out, but simply kicked downstairs to head up the Asia operations. This "Bizarro Apple" theory also handily explains why Dell enjoys a ton of success by selling cheap, unimaginative gear; why Mike is seemingly "obsessed" with copying Apple's innovations but making them bland and ugly in the process; and why, whereas the real Steve is fond of wearing shorts and going barefoot, Mike is known to wear brown slacks and loafers even in the shower. It all fits into place!