Call off the search parties, people-- contrary to popular belief, we're not lost in the woods and forced to survive on tree bark and funny-tasting mushrooms, though we can certainly understand how the lack of a new episode yesterday might have given you that impression. The reality, though, is that we were safe and sound within the confines of the AtAT compound all along, and any bark or funny-tasting mushrooms we may have ingested were consumed purely by choice rather than out of necessity.

We just completely forgot that most of the rest of the country (not to mention the rest of the world) doesn't celebrate Patriots Day, but here in Boston, at least, it's still a big enough deal that lots of us get the day off from work to dress up like Minutemen and watch Kenyans run excessive distances. And since the AtAT compound is literally across the street from Lexington (yes, that Lexington, of "Lexington and Concord" fame), well, it'd be downright treasonous not to take the day off to exercise our inalienable right to watch bad TV and recreate various historical revolutionary battles in Escape Velocity: Nova. No one's going to doubt our patriotism, by cracky.

So, we're sorry that we forgot to make that plan absolutely clear. At least those of you who made a "confused Scooby-Doo" noise when you saw us mention the "holiday weekend" in Friday's episode now know just what the heck we were talking about. But even without the benefit of knowing about Patriots Day, we're surprised that so many of you made a mental leap straight to the "lost in the woods" scenario and called the authorities instead of drawing a far more likely conclusion: that we were way too busy indulging in native Mac OS X image-editing bliss to mess around with producing a soap opera. That's right, folks, Patriots Day be hanged-- for Mac users, yesterday was a far more important occasion: Carbonized Photoshop Day.

Well, okay, technically today's the red letter day, if you go by Adobe's official press release, but the fact of the matter is that Photoshop 7.0 (with complete Mac OS X support) actually shipped a few days ago, as we were breathlessly informed by faithful viewer Jason Wiley. And we don't mean "shipped" in the Jobsian sense, which would mean it might be another three weeks before any actual human being gets to see this allegedly shipping product; some excruciatingly lucky individuals already have their copies in hand-- individuals such as faithful viewer Jean-Pierre, who found his own copy on his back porch last night. Yessir, there's a whole lot of Aqua Photoshoppin' goin' on. You've heard of the "shot heard 'round the world"? Well, this here's the app heard 'round the world.

In fact, do you hear that? That's the sound of lots more people upgrading to Mac OS X, now that their main productivity app runs native. Indeed, now that we've got Office and Photoshop, there's only one major product left that might be holding a slew of professionals back: QuarkXPress. But don't expect a native version of that any time soon; a major 5.0 upgrade shipped just a few months ago, sans Carbonization, and if the Naked Mole Rat hasn't been chomping on his own stash of funny-tasting mushrooms lately, it sounds like Quark's putting a much higher priority on QuarkDMS development than on cranking out some Aqua-y goodness. Still, it's not a matter of if, but when-- but once graphics professionals get a taste of Photoshop running in full Aqua splendor, we imagine they might get a little antsy.

Antsy enough to make the jump to InDesign, maybe? Well, that's between them and their Pantone colors. As for us, we're just happy to know that our own copy of Photoshop is on its way. So the next time we skip an episode unexpectedly, just remember-- it's because we're pushing pixels. Or because it's Arbor Day.

At last, we've unlocked the real reason why Apple only commands a measly twentieth of the market these days. Is it because the company neglected to open up licensing of the Mac OS and allow a burgeoning clone market that could have competed with the influx of cheap x86 PCs? Nope. Is it because Microsoft knew how to combine a mediocre rip-off of the Mac's interface and a flood of cheap hardware into a chokehold monopoly forged of sheer Windows ubiquity? Closer, maybe, but nuh-uh. Is it because Windows represents such a superior computing experience that nineteen out of twenty people actually make an educated, informed choice of Windows over the Mac? Mmmm... maybe it's time to put down the crack pipe, buddy.

No, the real reason why the Mac's market share is so low is this: the CIA wants it that way. Now, sure, you could call this a paranoid delusion brought on by the hysteria that there are only 33 days left until The X-Files calls it quits forever, but we've got evidence-- in the form of a Wired article first pointed out by faithful viewer scubus. Apparently some guy stumbled upon a "Secret Agent Mac" with an operative number of "SE/30 CSI 1891T"; this weird little puppy looks pretty much like a regular SE/30, except that it's got a weird and mysterious bulge in the back, a flop-down front panel that reveals an internal Bernoulli drive, and an all-metal case that's been "TEMPEST-shielded" to prevent spies from intercepting leaked electromagnetic emissions and somehow reconstructing sensitive information. Now there's a Mac who leads a life of danger!

Now, in and of itself, a TEMPEST-shielded custom Mac might not be so weird-- anyone could buy a Mac and customize the bejeezus out of it, right? Except that this particular Mac appears to have come this way straight from Apple, and no one knows who used it or, even more bizarre, how it came to be "just sitting there on a pallet" in the Weird Stuff Warehouse. According to the owner, the 1891T is "a real Apple machine-- it wasn't made or adapted by another company-- so it must have been a classified project." So as far as we can tell, Apple was cranking out special spy-proof Macs for the CIA or the NSA or maybe some other government agency way too secret to mention. Ooooooo.

It stands to reason, of course, that if said unknown government agency were so insistent on airtight security that nobody had ever even heard of this particular Mac model until a decade after it was likely produced (and probably never would have, had some mole from the inside not risked his life to place that 1891T onto that pallet in the interests of proving that the truth is out there), it's probably in that agency's best interests to ensure that the Mac never gains true mass market acceptance. So there you have it, folks-- the real reason why the Mac never caught on like it should have: it's all in the interest of national security. Blame the government.

Just a quick update on the long-running "Redmond Justice" courtroom drama, folks; the nine states who refused to settle their antitrust beef with Microsoft finished up their collective say in court yesterday, and now it's Microsoft's turn at bat. So who did the Redmond Giant call to the stand today as its very first witness? One W. J. ("Call me Jerry") Sanders, the CEO of AMD. Apparently in reaction to the states' demand that Microsoft make available versions of Windows without Internet Explorer present, Jerry got right up there and dutifully testified that "fragmenting the Windows operating system would set the computer industry back twenty years." That's good stuff for Microsoft.

Unfortunately, Jerry proved to be a fine lap dog but a lousy witness. According to a Reuters article, upon cross examination, Jerry admitted that he had never actually bothered to read the states' proposed sanctions; his entire notion of the remedy being sought by the states (and therefore his testimony) was based purely on Bill Gates having called him on the phone and told him that said sanctions were "crazy" and would "fragment the Windows operating system." (Insert sound of a dozen Microsoft lawyers all smacking their foreheads in unison.)

Oh, but it gets better! According to an Associated Press story, Jerry also admitted that, in addition to agreeing to testify that the states' proposed penalties were harmful without ever having heard what those penalties actually were, when Gates phoned to ask him to testify, Jerry had been hoping that Bill was calling to say that Microsoft would support AMD's new chip. Apparently there had been prior discussions about working support for that chip into Windows, support that Jerry calls "the single most important thing in AMD's future." Jerry was also hoping that Gates would "withhold support for a competing chip from market-leader Intel."

So let's get this straight, here: Microsoft's first witness is a guy named Jerry who admits that his entire business hinges upon whether or not Bill Gates decides to support his product or his competitor's. (Nope, no monopoly there.) Jerry gets a phone call from Gates and desperately hopes that it's good news about support for his processor. Instead Bill asks him to testify in court that the states' proposed sanctions are harmful. (Hint, hint.) With the all-important question of support for his product still unresolved, Jerry jumps at the chance to do Bill a favor-- despite the fact that he's never even seen these proposed sanctions that are supposed to be so gosh-darned evil.

Say, has anybody seen this guy's credibility lying around? Anyone? Nope, us neither.