Far be it from us to poop the party by kicking off a holiday weekend with unconfirmed rumors of trouble in Apple Retailville, but what with things being a tad slow around here lately, it looks like if we're going to dredge up any drama for you at all, it's going to come at the risk of irresponsibly spreading false rumors and bringing people down. Anyway, it's probably just as well; the Soap Opera Producers Union Local 536 is threatening to initiate punitive measures against us, because by focusing on so much good news lately, we've fallen well below union-mandated minimum levels of angst and anxiety. Plus, we're starting to get jeered at by our soap-producing peers. Words can hurt like a fist, people.

So, to restore our good standing in the soap opera community and avoid a stiff union fine, here's your totally unconfirmed obligatory dose of angst for the week: we haven't gone looking to verify these rumors (what, are we supposed to be "journalists" all of a sudden?), but the word around the water cooler is that Apple just dished out another handful of pink slips-- but this time to select individuals working in certain well-established but underperforming Apple retail stores. Details range from murky to nonexistent, so we really can't give you much more than that. All we can say is, if you're in an investigative mood, trundle on down to your local Apple retail location and see if you can spot anyone missing. (You do know the whole staff by sight, right?) You also might see if you can detect a telltale hunted look in the eyes of those still gainfully employed.

Again, we have to stress that these rumors are wholly unconfirmed, and we pass them on strictly in a "hey, here's something wacky we heard" capacity. We're keeping our Skeptic Hats strapped on good and tight, here, because we can't help thinking that if certain Apple retail stores were really laying people off, we'd be hearing about it a lot more than we are. If the whispers are true, though, then they might indicate some rough waters ahead for Apple as it struggles to make its pricey retail initiative profitable in a dumpy economy in hopes of proving the naysayers wrong. It could foretell an imminent scaling back of Apple's aggressive retail expansion plans (for example, those 124 stores by the end of 2003 might turn into 80 or 90), or if you're truly a Gloomy Gus, you can worst-case-scenario it and figure that Apple will soon abandon the retail scheme altogether, shut down all the stores, sell itself off to Disney, and then get swallowed whole in a massive earthquake as a race of mutant subterranean mole people rounds up the bodies for food.

Okay, there... with luck, that's enough squirm-in-your-seat ickiness to keep the union off our backs for another week or two. Thanks for bearing with us. If we were you, we wouldn't stress too much over these layoff rumors, at least until someone comes forward with some actual evidence that they even really happened. But in any event, the very idea sure makes you appreciate the staff at your local Apple store, doesn't it? Bake 'em some cookies; they deserve it.