Okay, folks, we're back-- and for those of you who thought we'd be here earlier than this, we should clarify: on Monday morning when we said we'd return "tomorrow," we were speaking in a historically Jobsian time frame, e.g. "available now" equals "shipping in two weeks," "shipping in two weeks" means "available next month," "available next month" means "pre-order right this instant and if you're almost divinely lucky you might get it before super-intelligent apes rule the planet's surface," etc. In other words, by "tomorrow," we meant "whenever we finish watching all the backlogged stuff on our TiVo." For the record, we said we were "calling in sick"-- not that we were sick. Although, granted, one of us is teething something fierce, which is having roughly the same impact on production as, say, a local malaria epidemic.

Wait, this is supposed to be Apple-related or something, right? Sorry, we accidentally watched fifteen minutes of a mid-'90s Pauly Shore movie. It does something to the grey matter.

As it turns out, it's a good thing that we took a couple of days off, because that means we're bringing a fresh perspective to Apple's latest innovation. We're relatively well-rested, less jaded than usual, and far better equipped to evaluate new technology in an objective and balanced manner. And that's why, after careful consideration, we can calmly state without fear of exaggeration that Apple's new celebrity signature iPods are a million times more amazing than all previous iPods combined.

Granted, the new iPods have exactly the same specs as the older models, but as faithful viewer Vortech was quick to point out, they bear the laser-etched signatures of Madonna, Tony Hawk, and Beck-- and that makes all the difference in the world. We've yet to receive word from our sources whether or not those three über-celebs are individually signing each 'Pod themselves, but given that the autographed units run forty-nine clams more expensive than plain vanilla ones, we think it's pretty safe to assume that Apple wouldn't charge $49 for something as gauche as a machine-etched iPod. We're guessing that Steve Jobs has all three personages stuffed in a closet somewhere (wow, did that image make anyone else flash on Sartre's No Exit?), personally autographing iPods with special laser pens each time a new order rings up.

But if you want one of these puppies (and how could you not?), you should act fast; the word on the street is that Apple is only making them available until January 8th-- and they could dry up even sooner than that. Sources close to Palm indicate that the company is in the process of filing a lawsuit against Apple, alleging that the BeckHawkMadonnaPods infringe upon Palm's patent for "Lame Celebrity Editions of Existing Handheld Devices." Palm alleges that Apple is unlicensed to use technology formerly employed in such products as the blue Claudia Schiffer Palm Vx and the Michael Jordan line of Palm organizers. Expect the suit to be filed by the end of the week, and if Palm manages to secure a preliminary injunction, well... let's just say you might want to get that order in sooner rather than later.

For our part, the only real disappointment at this end is the notable lack of a Mollie Sugden iPod. Maybe next year... litigation pending, of course.

By now our regular viewers have surely noticed that one of our favorite topics for anxiety and dread is Apple's continually shrinking share of the education market; indeed, whenever we feel that the show needs a little extra dose of sturm und drang, nothing gets the job done quite like a quick mention of the increasingly rare School-Dwelling Macintosh, a species that's unfortunately on the endangered list until Apple figures out how to turn things around. Still, while we don't often advertise this fact because it kind of kills the mood, things in the education sector really aren't all doom and gloom. There are definitely still a few success stories for Macs in the increasingly hostile school environment-- and what few happy tales there are may be engendering others.

Take, for example, those 36,000 iBooks being distributed to every middle school student in the state of Maine. Not long ago we mentioned that Governor Angus King had been giving tours of his pet project to visiting heads of state (and creepy bestselling authors) who were interested in his ambitious plan to Macify the entire student body. Well, it looks like those tours are already starting to pay off: faithful viewer Eric Wright pointed us towards an Edinburgh Evening News article which reveals that the city of Edinburgh (in Scotland, you know) is kicking around a Maine-inspired scheme to provide laptops to every student in the city age 9 and up. Faith an' begorrah, can it be? Will Edinburgh schooltots soon know the indescribable joy that only a free, government-sponsored Mac can bring?

Well, uh, no-- probably not. For one thing, the whole plan is really just in the "Hey, Wouldn't It Be Cool If" stage, and incurable pessimists might even insist that it's not a serious proposal at all, but rather a way in which the Edinburgh councillors can justify the cost of their recent £20,000 junket to the States. Now, we personally aren't that cynical (these aren't U.S. politicians, after all), but any proposal to blow £40 million on 22,000 laptops for schoolkids is going to meet with a lot of resistance-- just ask Governor King, whose funding is still under attack, with half of the iBooks already handed out.

More importantly, though, even if the plan goes forward, there's nothing that says Edinburgh needs to copy Maine to the letter, and we can't help thinking that the city would be much more likely to shell out for 22,000 Wintels than a whole slew of iBooks à la King. Still, one can hope. And heck, if Edinburgh does wind up telling Apple to go climb a tree and instead plunks down the poundage for 22,000 Dell Inspirons, well, at least we'll have plenty more education-themed unease to add to the plot. Mmmmm, angsty!

Lately, we've been hearing a bit of grumbling from PowerBook owners experiencing a twinge of buyer's remorse. These are the folks who just happen to have purchased their titanium beauties shortly before Apple introduced the latest models last month. And sure, they're a little miffed that they might have gotten faster processors and better video at a lower price-- but the thing that's really chafing the kiesters of these poor saps is the fact that, had they waited, they could have had a SuperDrive. Indeed, plenty of them went ahead and bought their PowerBooks knowing full well that a revision was coming soon, but when the rumor mill at large started insisting that a SuperDrive was not in the cards, they foolishly believed it, and slapped down the plastic. (Tsk, tsk; they should have listened to the kid.)

"Oh, AtAT," they lament, "isn't there any way to upgrade my earlier TiBook with a SuperDrive?" Well, it's interesting you should bring that up. You may have noticed that last week, Think Secret published a report that the SuperDrive found in Apple's latest high-end PowerBook is actually the same form factor as the DVD-R/CD-RW combo drive found in the previous models, and even takes the exact same connector cable; reportedly somebody working in an Apple service center transplanted a SuperDrive from a new PowerBook into a previous model ("Mwaaahahahahaaa, they called me mad at the university!!") and "the drive worked fine after the switch." The only problem, of course, is that Apple doesn't provide any means by which you owners of older PowerBooks might actually purchase just the drive that you so desperately want installed in your otherwise spiffy Mactops-- and there's no upgrade program as there was for the combo drive last year.

But seriously, if you really want to squeeze a SuperDrive into your existing PowerBook, all it takes is a heapin' helpin' of good old fashioned ingenuity, care of Yours Truly. So without further ado, here's AtAT's super-secret, profoundly theoretical plan for retrofitting an 550 MHz-or-faster PowerBook G4 with a spankin' new SuperDrive:

• 1. Buy a new SuperDrive-equipped PowerBook.
• 2. Bribe, blackmail, or otherwise persuade an Apple service center tech to remove the SuperDrive from the new PowerBook and install it in your existing model.
• 3. Discard the remains of the new PowerBook. Or, better yet, send it to us.

That's all there is to it! What could possibly be simpler?