Ah, yes, the PowerPC 970: now there's a product name that trips trillingly off the tongue. Go on, say it with us: PowerPC 970. Yes sir, with a lilt like that, this is one chip name that Apple's rampaging horde of bloodthirsty marketing executives would be insane not to exploit within an inch of its life. If we learned anything at all from our extensive schooling in the Marketing Arts and Sciences, it's that the public just loves product names at least thirteen syllables long-- especially if they incorporate a seemingly arbitrary three-digit number and also repeat a word or two. So look out world, because here comes the Power Macintosh PowerPC 970!

Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, we should probably mention that those marketing classes we took were in fact taught by the same insensate zombie tree sloths that came up with New Coke and Microsoft Bob, so maybe there's room for debate. AppleInsider, for instance, has just posted its first update in two months, which claims that Macs featuring the PowerPC 970 will indeed debut at the Worldwide Developers Conference just two short weeks away. These new systems will reportedly be available in 1.4 GHz and 1.8 GHz configurations boasting AGP 8x graphics, FireWire 800, USB 2.0, and a "more square and compact" enclosure complete with a couple of easy-access ports on the front. But more relevantly, AI insists that Apple's marketing team is planning to leave the inherent poetry and sparkle of the PowerPC 970 moniker completely untapped, instead opting to market Apple's new system as-- are you ready for this?-- the "Power Macintosh G5."

"G5"? What the heck is that? This rumor can't be true; could Apple really be so blind as to pass up a golden marketing opportunity to leverage IBM's elegant and understated processor name in favor of something so... short? And simple? As if the public wants simple! And how about G5's total lack of meaning? When Joe Average sees the name "PowerPC 970," he immediately understands that we're talking about a really fast chip, since 970 is at least a couple of dozen bigger than the 4 in "Pentium 4." But G5? That's only one bigger, and who cares about that? We suspect that Apple intends for customers to pick up on some sort of progression, as if the Power Mac G5 somehow follows logically from the Power Mac G3 and G4-- but if there's a pattern, damned if we can see it.

Let's hope that this whole "G5" thing is just a rumor, since we'd hate to see a superior product tank in the marketplace just because it had a lousy name. And if Apple is really dead set against using the name "Power Macintosh PowerPC 970," our extensive focus group research and years of zombie tree sloth tutelage tell us that the next best choice would be "Super Super Not Poopy RealliFast 4XJ-F7." Think about it.

Assuming you aren't one of the millions of unfortunates reduced to trying to come up with new and interesting recipes involving generic dog food and ketchup packets swiped from the local Wendy's, living in a down economy has its benefits. Any red-blooded consumer with a little disposable income still floating around has to love the phrase "Buyer's Market"; yup, it's a great time to raid the kids' college funds, live for the day, and run out and buy a new grill. Or a bigger TV. Maybe a company or three. Whatever.

That's right, it looks like Uncle Steve is going shopping again; if you trust LoopRumors's "reliable sources" (and hey, why wouldn't you? They're "reliable"!), Apple is in talks to buy Roxio, owners of Toast Titanium, a whole freakin' stable of Windows CD/DVD/multimedia software, and the court-neutered remains of Napster. Heck, why not? After all, there's something like $4 billion in gold bullion and mint-condition Golden Age comic books stashed somewhere beneath the streets of Cupertino, so if Steve wants to make an impulse buy or two while everything's on sale, well, where's the harm?

In fact, maybe it's not such an impulse buy after all; Roxio's a pretty good fit for Apple in three ways that we can see. Firstly, seeing as Apple is pushing hard to get iTunes for Windows out by the end of the year as promised, it'd be pretty handy to reuse the guts of Easy CD & DVD Creator to take care of burning audio discs under Windows. Secondly, Toast Titanium stomps Mac OS X's built-in burning support into a fine, fragrant powder that smooths even as it tones; integrating some of that Toastily Titaniumy goodness into Panther or even subsequent versions of Mac OS X seems like an obvious and worthwhile improvement.

And thirdly, seeing as Steve was allegedly shopping for Universal as part of his multi-pronged master plan to control all the world's media but backed off when Apple Records threatened to sue, at least this way he'd get Pressplay, the subscription online music service created by Universal and recently acquired by Roxio. Whether or not he'd actually use it for anything is debatable, but shutting it down and sticking Napster back into solitary would clear some more room for the iTunes Music Store to take root.

And actually, we just thought of a fourth reason why a Roxio purchase would be such a great fit for Steve: it would go really well with that kickin' pair of New Balance running shoes he just picked up. Say what you will about His Mercurialness; the man does know how to accessorize.

You know, one of the questions that we get asked most frequently by members of the Wintel ilk is this: "As Mac users, don't you sometimes miss what the Windows world has to offer?" To which we usually reply, well, kinda. There are basically two things that are far more common and accessible on the Windows side of the fence: games and pain. We don't really have any time to play computer games anymore (Most-Played Game Prior To Parenthood: "Unreal Tournament." Most-Played Game Since Parenthood: "What The Hell Is This On My Pants?"), but yeah, we have to admit that sometimes we feel like we Mac users really get shortchanged in that whole "pain" department.

Take viruses, for example. The only viruses to wreak even a teensy bit of havoc in the Mac world over the past half-decade were ones buried in Microsoft Office macros. ("Microsoft: No Matter Which Of Our Products You're Using, We're Doing Our Best To Infect You!") Meanwhile, the Wintel world was reeling from Melissa, ILOVEYOU, AnnaKournikova.jpg.vbs, etc. etc. etc. while all we got to do was watch from the sidelines. Running Virex became an act of pure defeat. 34,664 items scanned, 0 possibly infected? Curse you, vile app!

But we've got some great news! Apparently BugBear managed to break out of its Windows world and inflict a little pain on this side of the pond, too. "What's BugBear," you ask? Eh, some virus-- s'posed to be bad for you. We pretty much stopped trying to keep track, seeing as Macs are never affected anyway-- at least, not directly. But are you, perchance, a .Mac subscriber? If so, did you happen to notice severe email problems last week? Well, guess what? According to MacFixIt, those were caused by the overwhelming volume of junk mail created by BugBear-infected systems and flooding Apple's servers. Which means we were inconvenienced by BugBear after all! He likes it! Hey, Mikey!

As for when the Mac world will get direct support for Windows viruses, we hear that Apple has platform evangelists courting virus developers even as we speak. Knock 'em dead, fellas!