Ho hum, another slow Monday-- made slower still by the fact that today's a holiday here in the states, so anyone who'd normally be making drama in the Apple world is instead quietly reflecting on the massive contributions to humankind made by Martin Luther King, Jr. Apparently most players in the tech field have the tact to realize that petty conflict on MLK Day would be distasteful in light of the bridges the man worked to build, which strikes us as pretty classy behavior. Of course, that also means it's bad for business, at least for ghouls like us for whom petty conflict and the drama inherent therein are essentially our bread and butter. But for Martin, hey, we're fine with it. We'll just recap the last couple of Apple Retail revelations.

First of all, according to the Business Journal (via MacMinute) there's a new store going into St. John's Town Center in Jacksonville, Florida. This one's still a long way off, though; the mall itself isn't slated to open until spring-- of 2005. But reportedly Apple is one of the retailers who "have either committed or are close to committing to leases," so if you're a Mac fan in Jacksonville (or you're planning to move there sometime in the next fourteen or fifteen months), keep your calendar clear for the grand opening. We don't know, set an iCal reminder for all of spring or something. We know it's way out there in the scary future, but if you eventually find out that the opening is on the same day you've scheduled laser tattoo removal to correct a certain drunken "indiscretion," well, you're going to feel pretty dumb, huh? And not just because you've got a tattoo of Baby Huey on your left buttock.

Possibly more significantly, though, the Austin American-Statesman recently confirmed reports that Apple is planning to open a store in Barton Creek Square-- just a stone's throw (well, if you've got a really good arm) from Dell headquarters. Actually, okay, the American-Statesman didn't do much digging; they just popped up Apple's Retail Jobs page like we do occasionally to scan for new city listings. Sure enough, Apple's looking for an Assistant Store Manager, a Full-Time Mac Specialist, an Inventory Control Specialist, and a few other people to staff a Barton Creek boutique. And you just know that Michael Dell's going to be in there every freakin' Saturday, taking notes and drooling all over the hardwood. Note to Apple: make sure you hire a full-time Guy With Mop, too, or else you're going to get sued by someone slipping on Mike's saliva.

We don't know when the Austin store's going to open, but here's hoping that it provokes exactly the kind of petty conflict on which we thrive. MLK Day's great and all, but seriously, nothing would beat a Mike Dell-Steve Jobs bare-knuckle fistfight in the Apple Store Barton Creek. We envision Steve picking Mike up by the collar and belt and throwing him so he goes sliding along the Genius Bar like in those old westerns. In fact, we've got a request: could the Barton Creek Mac Geniuses keep some liquor bottles at the end of the bar for Mike to crash into, just in case? 'Cause that would really make our year.

So just how often does the Apple Store update its Top Sellers list? Because, you know, we would have expected it to be an automatic and live sort of thing, directly linked into the ordering database, but that's clearly not the case-- at least, it isn't unless everybody waited to preorder their miniPods until a few days ago. The iPod's freakishly small sibling was completely absent from the Top 20 list from its debut almost two weeks ago until just this past Saturday, when, as faithful viewer Medium Rare informed us, it vaulted onto the charts at Number 1. And somehow we doubt that everyone was just waiting until National Nothing Day before they preordered.

In fact, the miniPod's abrupt and delayed appearance isn't the only thing screwy about the Top 20 list; wasn't the non-mini iPod reigning supreme in the top spot before the miniPod usurped the throne? So where the heck is it now? It doesn't show up anywhere on the list, and we're having a really tough time believing that everyone who would have bought an iPod is now buying a miniPod instead. (If it's true, of course, Apple's Pod-related revenue and margins will both take a dive, and someone on Apple's marketing team is getting pelted with gum erasers from the folks in the finance department even as we speak.) Seriously, are we supposed to believe that Apple is selling more Jam Jackets to protect iPods than iPods themselves?

And we haven't even mentioned the categorical anomalies. (Well, okay, now we have, but that's not really the point.) Fifth on the list is the PowerBook 15", which wouldn't be weird at all if the listing didn't claim that the 15-inch PowerBook is available "in three sizes (12-, 15-, and 17-inch screens)." Similarly, in the tenth slot is the "Power Mac G5 Dual 2 GHz," which is available at speeds "up to" dual 2 GHz. Who knew you could get a dual 2 GHz Power Mac with a single 1.6 GHz processor? Meanwhile, the iBook and iMac are both on the list sans model designation, but the iMac is listed as being available in "two sizes of flat screen." Those would apparently be, what-- 15 and 17 inches, with the 20-incher being a mirage?

Folks, we hate to say it, because the very possibility chills us to our core and leaves us questioning our significance in what might therefore be an empty, godless universe devoid of reason or purpose, but we think it just might be possible that the Apple Store Top 20 list is... well... not very reliable. In fact, there's even a chance that it's pretty much completely meaningless altogether. At this point we imagine its results might be generated by a slightly modified version of a Magic 8 Ball simulator somebody wrote as an AppleScript exercise. Or possibly Phil Schiller and a dartboard.

We know, we know-- most of you are practitioners of one or more of the thirty or so religions that have been elaborately constructed around the tenet of the Top 20 List's Divine Infallibility, and what we just said constitutes blasphemy. We don't like the truth any more than you do, but you know, we call 'em like we 'em, and it's not like any of those religions lists blasphemy as a sin punishable by death or anything.

Wait-- they do?

All of them?

Well, hey, just kidding, folks! Ha ha, funny joke and not blasphemous at all! How 'bout that Top 20 list, huh? Is that thing infallible, or what?