Oh, so you don't think there's a cosmic force of balance in the universe, huh? When Steve Jobs says that it's "bad karma" to steal music, you just chuckle condescendingly and keep right on illegally downloading Whitney: Greatest Hits, do you? Well, you may well be in for a shock when the universe makes you pay for those songs by giving you (dun-dun-dun-DUNNNNN!!) an uncomfortable skin rash. Or something. We just picked that as a random example, but it could be anything. Really, we haven't a clue how this stuff works, but we now have rock-solid evidence that the cosmos does dole out justice, and if you commit acts of an icky nature, they will indeed lead to a state of ickiness being thrust back upon you.

For one thing, you'll be listening to Whitney Houston. 'Nuff said.

Need a clearer example? Well, do you remember those rumors of an iTunes-McDonald's team-up that were floating around a few months back? The deal was supposed to be something along the lines of the current Pepsi promotion, whereby the Big M would give away free song downloads with the purchase of certain food items, that sort of thing. McDonald's denied that any such deal had been made, but wouldn't deny that talks were in progress.

Well, a downloadable music promo with McDonald's has now reportedly been signed-- only not with Apple. Faithful viewer bo forwarded us a Los Angeles Times article which reports that Mickey D's was on the verge of inking a Pepsi-sized deal with Apple, but "switched plans after a last-minute pitch from Sony." So now Sony's upcoming download service gets about $30 million from McDonald's and the massive exposure of "more than 100 million Sony Connect songs" being given away free with Big Macs and Royales with Cheese... and Apple gets zilch. Gee, how do you suppose this might affect all those "joint projects between Sony and Apple" that Sony's CEO was gushing about? Because, you know, we can't imagine that Steve's all that pleased with this turn of events.

Then again, it was Steve who brought up the whole "karma" thing in the first place, and Sony swooping in like the Hamburglar to yoink a McDonald's deal away from Apple at the last second sounds an awful lot like cosmic payback to us. Don't forget that Apple's sweet deal with Hewlett-Packard was originally going to be a deal between HP and Napster-- until Apple swiped it. And okay, we realize it's not quite the same thing, since Sony reportedly made a pitch to McDonald's, while HP came to Apple, presumably when it finally realized just how badly Napster stunk up the joint. But still, you have to admit, there's a definite whiff of karmic realignment coming off this whole thing.

So there you have it, folks: incontrovertible evidence that karma does exist, and it keeps track of the naughty/nice thing like Santa wired on pep pills. So the next time you're tempted to do something a little on the not-so-peachy side, remember-- it'll come back to haunt you, and probably sooner rather than later. Oh, and you might wind up reincarnated as a vole or something. We're a little less clear on that concept.

Prepare for a quick trip through Disturbingville, folks, because every discussion of karma eventually comes around to the subject of death-- and while it doesn't come up often, we admit that we get awfully nervous when someone makes us think about Steve Jobs's mortality. It's just a deeply troubling concept on so many levels, right? To think that The Man, The Myth, The Legend has a finite lifespan, and that he probably only has another thirty-something years left before he cashes in (and, assuming we've got this right, gets reincarnated as a vole or something). Worse yet, he could get hit by a bus tomorrow. And while we know we previously indicated that Apple had the technology to clone Steve as many times as necessary, we've since been informed by our sources that they had made a typo; what they really meant to report was that Apple had switched from Kleenex to Puffs Plus. (Ooooh, lotiony.)

So we find ourselves back at the same crass and thorny problem: setting aside for a moment the catastrophic loss to all of humanity that Steve's death would represent, if he croaks, what happens to Apple? As Macworld UK reports, analysts realize that "investing in Apple is still investing in Steve Jobs," and we're pretty sure that if the board of directors handed the CEOship to a newborn and mercurial vole, the investors would simply not be cool with that. Suffice it to say that if Steve pushes up the daisies (or heck, retires, or even just quits-- stranger things have been known to happen), Apple's stock price would drop through the floor so fast it'll leave a nice little sonic boom in its wake.

Yes, yes, we know; it's sick to be thinking about a stock price in the context of the passing of Fearless Leader. But we have to look at the practical side of things, folks, because do you really want to go back to the Amelio Years? If nothing else, Steve has transformed Apple from its mid-'90s role as a failed commoditizer back into a company that's all about the innovation, all about Cool Things™-- and without someone at the helm who can keep that vision on track, the future of Apple is very much uncertain. This is a situation for which we really should be psychically prepared: what would happen to Apple sans Steve?

Well, a reader over at Mac OS Rumors has been wondering exactly that, and MOSR reports that, unlike for the CFO position (for which soon-to-retire Fred Anderson has been grooming replacement Peter Oppenheimer for four long years), there's no such grooming happening for the CEO slot: "There are no pre-existing plans of any sort should the unexpected happen, aside from the official line of succession laid out in the corporate charter." About the only assurances we're given that the unthinkable is still decades away are that "Steve is in good health, keeps his work schedule surprisingly sane even with two major corporations to run, and is very happy with where Apple is headed over the next several years."

Okay, that's just great. But we'd still feel a lot better about things if Steve only traveled in, say, a Sherman tank, and never set foot outside the house without first donning a suit of armor. It's all about the peace of mind, you know? Memo to Apple re: that cloning thing: hurry it up, already.

Woo, what a downer that was. What say we lighten things up a bit with a little wacky pop culture hoo-haa before we sign off? Now, we all know that the iPod officially made the leap from "cool product" to "wide-ranging social phenomenon" sometime within the past year or so, but we have to admit that we weren't quite aware of just how deeply entrenched this whole thing has become-- possibly because we don't live in New York City, where the iPod has apparently welded itself permanently to the city's gestalt consciousness to such a degree that it's always hovering at the edge of everybody's mind. You know, like pizza. Or Bullwinkle.

Don't believe us? Well, maybe you'll believe WIRED, which reports that a simple search through NYC classified ads turns up far more (and far more revealing) references to iPods than just simple "for sale" notices. The iPod has become so firmly ensconced in the social order that it's now the bartering tool of choice, often requested instead of cash in exchange for performing certain, ahem, personal services. When cash is requested instead, it's often because the person either wants to buy an iPod or needs rent money because he or she already bought one. There's one guy asking for advice because his girlfriend dissed the swanky purse he bought her and wants an iPod instead. Another guy offered an iPod to any girl who'd pose as his girlfriend while his parents were in town. It's everywhere, we tell you.

And it's not just used as currency; indeed, the reason it's practically legal tender is because it's such an omnipresent accessory in the Big Apple. The iPod makes frequent appearances in the personal ads, both in lists of likes and dislikes (generally in the "likes" column, but not always) and as an identifier for "missed connections" ("Where are you my iPod man?"). It also serves as a continual topic of philosophical discussions among posters who debate the "meaning of the iPod on New York's streets."

WIRED lists a slew of examples of such listings in the New York craigslist classifieds, and notes that searches for iPod references in craiglists for "San Francisco, Los Angeles or London fail to return anywhere near the volume of posts, or anything like the same results." So why such rampant iPodism in NYC? Well, some people argue that the people in that city are simply more evolved than the rest of us who live in two-bit podunk burgs, but our sources report that New York is actually the guinea pig in a years-long Apple experiment involving certain behavior-modifying chemicals deposited in the city's water supply. Finally, a reasonable explanation for Apple's wild-eyed opposition to Macworld Expo's move to Boston!