Are you getting excited about Apple's big team-up with Pepsi this February? Just think of it: 100 million free iTunes Music Store downloads lurking underneath the caps of 300 million bottles of Pepsi products, yours for the taking-- as long as you're thirsty. And if you just aren't certain you're going to be able to work up a big enough thirst to get all the free songs you need, there's good news on the horizon: Apple is reportedly working on another iTMS tie-in that'll load you so full of sodium, you'll be guzzling Pepsi like it's... well, like it's Pepsi, we suppose. The best part of this deal? While working up your thirst, you'll be earning still more free downloads-- and all you need to do to take advantage of them is treat your body like utter crap!

That's right, everyone, evidently taking over Sculley's old job of selling sugared water for Pepsi wasn't enough for Steve; faithful viewer David Poves was the first to point out a New York Post article (via MacMinute) which reports that the Pepsi deal for 100 million songs was just the opening act for the real draw-- a similar arrangement with McDonald's for up to ten times more. Apparently "McDonald's plans to give away up to 1 billion songs in a marketing campaign," which, given that both Pepsi and McDonald's are reportedly "paying Apple's retail price of 99 cents per song," comes out to be a pretty hefty chunk of change.

While it's true that Apple doesn't really make much (or, so far, any) money from iTMS sales directly, the sheer visibility of mass-market behemoths like McDonald's and Pepsi endorsing the service will be worth untold riches to Apple in the currencies of visibility and mind share-- and let's be realistic, here: if Apple can't squeeze out a profit on $1.1 billion in iTMS revenue, something's two or three shades past Wrong.

But let's take a step back for a second and consider what's going on, here. Pepsi and McDonald's? Since when did Steve Jobs decide that he wanted to be a Junk Food Pimp? Especially since the guy's a vegan, which means the only things he can eat at McDonald's are the ketchup packets and the napkins. So why the sudden interest in promoting this country's further spiralling collapse into a dietary abyss from which our genes may never escape?

The answer is obvious, really: Power. Only the most naïve yokels could fail to see a nefarious plot unfolding with Steve's grubby little fingerprints all over it. Clearly he's updated his Master Plan for Global Domination, because the last time we snuck a peek at it a few years back, it didn't rely on giving the youth of this country diabetes and congestive heart problems. When you think about it, though, it's a pretty solid strategy for subjugating a race: take the able-bodied youngsters most likely to resist, encourage 'em to pack on a couple of hundred pounds apiece, and maybe even cause 'em to lose a few toes or feet to diabetes-related peripheral vascular disease. Voilà! No more resistance when the jack-booted Cupertino thugs roll through in their impeccably-styled Jon Ive uniforms. It's genius, we tell you-- evil genius.

Of course, an alliance with McDonald's in a long-term bid to take over the world has advantages beyond fostering crippling obesity in the planet's youth-- such as the corporation's great strides in genetically engineering an assortment of invincible super-soldiers. Nothing can kill the Grimace.