Hey, it's the weekend, people-- what's with the collective furrowed brow? Don't tell us you're still fretting about that whole Evil Mac Processor Curse thingy; granted, it's a little alarming that whoever signs up to make the chips for Apple's highest-end desktop Macs always seems to start out strong but soon encounters all sorts of inexplicable setbacks, including (but not limited to) extended production delays, abysmally low yields, and being held captive in a cave by Vincent Price after wiping out on surfboards and finding giant spiders crawling on them in their sleep. While the curse has previously wreaked havoc with Apple's quarterly earnings and stock price, right now its primary effect has been to starve Apple of the 90-nanometer G5s it desperately needs to speed-bump its sagging Power Mac line.

But honestly, it's not worth losing sleep over; trust us, we're on it. Our crack team of AtAT cursebreakers has been methodically researching the process of reversing jinxes, hexes, and other whammy-inducing states of bad mojo since March, and despite the fact that said "methodical research" apparently consists of reading all five unAmericanised British-edition Harry Potter novels while wearing white lab coats and scarfing junk food (you gotta love federal research grants-- thanks, Matthew Lesko!), the team claims to have made some real progress. We're assured that the smell wafting up from the tunnels beneath the AtAT compound for the past couple of months is related to some sort of ethereal long-distance aromatherapy, and while we were skeptical at first because it smells exactly the same as the last three times they tried to toast Cheetos over a can of Sterno, it's hard to argue with results.

That's right, we said results. See, the EETimes is reporting that IBM's "struggling Microelectronics Division is reaching a turning point": while the company admits that its processor yields are still "not quite where [they] would like them to be," there's light at the end of the tunnel. In particular, "defect densities have improved quite rapidly," and Big Blue has isolated the "unique interaction with the process and tool" causing the low yields and "lowered the delta in terms of defect rates over the last year." While we have no idea what that actually means from a purely technical standpoint ("fire bad, tree pretty"), the fact that an IBM senior veep summarized by insisting that "yields are rapidly improving, especially in the last couple of months" gives us real hope. Who knew that toasted Cheetos were so effective at battling evil spirits?

So turn that frown upside-down, sunshine, and enjoy the weekend; IBM's going to be positively flooding Apple with G5s in a matter of mere weeks, we just know it. We can hardly wait for WWDC, where Uncle Steve will surely unveil a slew of faster Power Macs and announce availability much sooner than anyone had reasonably anticipated. Yup. No doubt about it.

But, uh, don't hold us to it or anything.

Speaking of rosy news to keep your weekend attitude all bright and sunshiney, how 'bout them Apple retail stores? We already knew from Apple's last quarterly earnings conference call that they were in the black and doing well; sales had almost doubled from the previous year, which wasn't a huge surprise given how many new stores had opened, but the fact that average per-store revenue was up by 35% showed some real hustle. There's also the recent revelation by Apple retail guru Ron "Slappy" Johnson that Apple's retail chain is the first in history to reach $1 billion in sales in just three years. And, of course, we'd be remiss if we didn't mention Apple's recent and tremendously successful "Buy a PowerBook, Get a Free Bag of Ants" promotion.

Well, let's dip one more Feelgood McNugget into the honey mustard, shall we? The Mac Observer notes that This Week In Consumer Electronics has just published its annual Top 100 list of consumer electronics retailers, and Apple vaulted all the way from last year's 34th place up to an eminently respectable 23rd. And while Apple's estimated $746 million in yearly sales pales in comparison to the heavy hitters in the top ten (Best Buy, for example, clocked in at $19.5 billion), it actually finished up ahead of some reasonably well-established names, like Buy.com ($494 million) and J&R Computer World ($263 million). The real surprise (to us, anyway) was that Apple placed just one spot and $1 million below online powerhouse Amazon.com, which, okay, doesn't have physical retail stores, but has been doing the e-sales thing forever now.

For its part, TWICE credits the mass appeal of the iPod and the iTunes Music Store for Apple's climb to #23; we're more inclined to attribute Apple's staggering retail success to the public's ravenous and previously unanswered demand for bags of ants, but whatever. Meanwhile, TWICE senior editor Alan Wolf acknowledges that Apple's eleven-spot jump was "quite a leap" and says it's partly to do with the company's transcendent Sonyesque brand and "unique niche." Apple's only real danger, says TWICE, is that of "growing too big and too fast," which is what nuked the Gateway stores. (Well, that and the fact that they sold crappy computers; never forget the crappy computers. Because, you know. Crappy.)

That said, we already know that Apple plans to open another ten stores by the end of the year, and continues to scout hundreds of locations for more. Indeed, faithful viewer mrmgraphics pointed out a MacMinute blurb reporting that the Pittsburgh City Planning Commission has officially approved an Apple store in Shadyside, so at some point in the oh-so-unspecified future, Mac-happy Pittsburghers will no longer have to schlep threeish hours all the way out to Columbus for their Apple retail fix. We're not terribly worried about the "too big, too fast" phenomenon smacking Apple in the face; after all, the company certainly takes its own sweet time finding the "perfect" locations. Between that, the fact that it sells decidedly non-crappy computers, and the public's ever-growing love for a sack full of arthropods, we wouldn't be surprised if Apple climbed another five or six spots by the time next year's TWICE list comes out.

But again, don't hold us to it or anything.

Hey, everybody, it's the Friday episode of a slow news week-- and when better to revive the ancient and revered AtAT tradition of revealing how you can score a free iPod? Now, before you get all bent out of shape, relax-- we're not going to tell you to perform live onstage at the Grammy Awards or get nominated for an Oscar; we received enough complaints from the No-Talent Slob contingent of our viewing audience to know better. And just because we're such open-minded people who know how to accept constructive criticism gracefully and incorporate it into the continuing incremental improvement of all we do, this latest method won't require that you sing or act or be a fabulous celebrity beloved by millions. This time you can be a regular loser, just like us.

So here's the skinny: Apple's running a contest right now whereby three lucky winners will each get two free backstage passes to the Warped Tour, that annual migratory showcase of the latest in punkternative music. If you win, Apple will pay to fly you and a guest to sunny Boston, Massachusetts (yes, that's where we live, so don't go messing it all up, buster) for the tour's final show on August 19th, and just in case you're not nearly as punk as you claim to be, Apple will even arrange "overnight accommodations" so you two don't have to sleep standing up in a PortaJohn. Oh, and more to the point, you also get a free miniPod.

Now, we'd like to clarify something right off the bat, here: despite what you may have heard, the "overnight accommodations" do not consist of you and your friend crashing on our couch. We don't care what Apple told you; they never cleared that with us. Okay? Okay.

We'd also like to point out just briefly that, while Apple would evidently never deign to extend a single pinky toe past the town limits into this backwater hamlet, the company's apparently totally fine with flying you here, instead. So apparently, while Apple's too good for this city, you can rest assured that you are most definitely not. (Ya freakin' peasant.)

So! Now that you're all excited about this whole free miniPod 'n' Warped Tour thing, we should probably mention the catch: you have to be a college student to enter-- and a legal adult, to boot. Yes, apparently only higher-ed pupils of voting age are supposed to like songs about death, mutilation, and alcohol. (Clearly there's something wrong with us, then.) If you qualify, go for it: you've got until July 20th to enter. Even if you're not into the Warped thing, if you win you can still pick up your miniPod, fly to Boston for a visit, and drop off those unwanted backstage passes somewhere convenient. Like, say, at the AtAT compound. We're just saying.