Now, we know that the wild and wacky world of Apple retail stores is neither as wild nor quite as wacky as it once was, but while we'll never recapture the giddy thrill that crackled in the air when the very first few stores were opening, there's still a fair bit of mystery to be probed in Apple's ongoing initiative, provided you know what questions to ask. Like, how does Apple choose the sites for its stores? Why did it take so long to open one in San Francisco? And why don't the stores sell Goober Grape, which is an immensely popular sandwich spread because it combines the peanut butter and the jelly in the same jar, thus reducing the labor involved in the sandwich construction process by at least 35%? These are indeed riddles wrapped in enigmas covered in fudge and a raspberry glaze.

But while nothing can provide all the answers, Think Secret has posted a fascinating glimpse into Apple's retail planning process, by way of a keynote address recently delivered by Ron "I'm Too Retail For This Shirt" Johnson at a design conference in Providence, Rhode Island. Did you know, for example, that Apple's stores are "the fastest retail operation in history to reach the $1 billion sales mark"? No foolin'! The Gap had done it in four years; Apple did it in three. And yet Apple somehow managed to pull off that astounding feat without rushing its stores to open.

See, apparently Apple only wants to stick stores "in the best malls or shopping districts, and only in the best spaces," and presumably also in spots not built over ancient Indian burial grounds haunted by vengeful poltergeists. (That is so often the dealbreaker.) So the company's willing to wait for the perfect spot to open up-- sometimes over two years, as was the case for the San Francisco location. Reportedly Apple is currently scouting 100 potential spots, and has been searching for a suitable storefront on Paris's Champs Elysees, where we have it on good authority that they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese a "Royale with Cheese," because they got the metric system over there. Our sources have not, however, been able to establish with any certainty whether or not the Parisians have discovered the time-saving joys of Goober Grape.

As far as more Tales from the Retail Trenches are concerned, on the subject of hosing Apple's resellers, Ron claims that third-party resellers "do better" after Apple's own stores move into the area than they do beforehand; whether or not that assertion will appease resellers concerned about the ten more stores Apple plans to open before this fall remains to be seen. Regardless, the stores will open, followed hard upon by at least 17 others (as revealed by Apple's shamefully indiscreet job postings), and the retail juggernaut will continue in its mission to bring upscale shoppers all over the world a chance to test-drive Apple technology, a space in which to explore without pressure, and a really classy place to go to the bathroom. That's a recipe for success if we've ever heard one. No wonder Gateway's stores all folded; did you see the johns in there?