Okay, so we weren't going to mention the whole "Palm Auto Theft" thing, even though it was a cute little tale. However, the story apparently has legs-- people keep mentioning it to us, and then it even showed up as a story in one of the local evening news shows. Odds are you've heard about this: according to the Industry Standard, a computer journalist for the New Scientist in England discovered that he was able to use his Palm Pilot PDA to break into his friend's car. You know those new keyless-entry deals, right? The feature in some snazzy new cars that lets the owner unlock the vehicle by means of an infrared-emitting keychain? Well, the Pilot's IR port is programmable-- and so this journalist was able to record the proper IR signal from his friend's high-tech keychain and then use his Pilot to unlock the car.

We're not really sure why this is news; as far as we know, people have been able to record specific IR signals into, say, a universal remote control for a long time now. We're guessing that since the Pilot is actually a computer (you know, one of those evil things in movies with the flashing lights), the collective psyche pricked up its ears at the first faint sounds of a "technology running amok and the ensuing breakdown of society" story. Really, all the Pilot method shows is that if you have access to a keyless-entry keychain doohickey, you can use your Pilot to unlock the corresponding car. You'd still have to hotwire the thing to actually drive it anywhere, and if you did, odds are that when the police ask your buddy if he suspects who might have stolen his shiny new luxury vehicle, he's going to say something about his shifty-eyed friend who was mucking about with his keys and one of those evil little palmtop computers a few hours ago. Not much of a threat, really, and we doubt that professional car thieves are now rushing out in droves to buy Palm PDAs.

Which is where we think Apple can clean up. Let's assume for the moment that the rumors of an Apple/Palm partnership are false, but that Apple's promise to release a Mac OS-based handheld computer in 1999 is true. That would mean that Apple will be in direct competition with Palm, the heavy hitter in the handheld market. Well, there's no doubt that Apple is IR-happy-- just look at the IR port in the PowerBooks and the iMac. So Apple's handheld will definitely sport an infrared port. What if Apple can differentiate its product by making it the very best PDA for automobile theft on the market? Perhaps it could come pre-loaded with a signal that would unlock 80% of the keyless-entry vehicles on the roads today, and a complete electronic assistant that would provide detailed instructions on how to locate and cross the ignition wires in every car made since 1985. (Optional "knowledge packs" for classic cars of the 50's and 60's would be available as shrink-wrapped add-ons.) With that software running on a backlit display, and the addition of a few basic lockpicks to the standard stylus for pen-based input, Apple might have a real contender. It's the theftMate™, coming soon to a less-reputable back-alley electronics outlet near you. Tell 'em Steve "the Wrench" Jobs sent you.