Woe is the watchword of the day for armchair fans of antitrust litigation. It's bad enough that we're all going through the agony of withdrawal while representatives of Microsoft and the Department of Justice cool their jets on some beach somewhere during the "Redmond Justice" hiatus. To make things worse, our appetites are whetted by the imminent premiere of a promising spin-off, "Monopoly Inside," which was to detail the courtroom battle between Intel and the Federal Trade Commission, when suddenly the plug got pulled the day before the first episode was to air.

Yes, according to an Associated Press article, the show was pulled at the last minute because-- get this-- Intel actually settled with the FTC. Good lord, what were they thinking? Don't they realize that the maximum entertainment potential can only be realized by fighting the charges tooth and nail, having your CEO evade even the most direct of questions by claiming ignorance of the meanings of basic English words, hiring a pack of lawyers whose courtroom demeanor irritates the judge to a degree roughly equivalent of that caused by dragging ragged fingernails across a dusty blackboard, faking lots of video evidence but not doing it well enough to escape detection, and calling witnesses that contradict your own legal stance while they're on the stand? It's like they just haven't been paying any attention at all.

There's still a glimmer of hope, however; details of the settlement haven't yet been made public, but it's being widely reported that, while the tentative agreement is a "win-win" situation, the FTC will continue to investigate further antitrust activity on Intel's part that was not covered by the narrow scope of the current case. A "much broader inquiry" into Intel's activities may well spawn a big ol' trial in the future. Meanwhile, what are the odds that Bill Gates is reading about this whole Intel settlement, smacking himself in the forehead, and saying "I wish I'd thought of that"? Suppose he's sacking his legal team right now and trying to hire away Intel's lawyers?