Remember the Bunnymen? No, not the ones who played with Echo-- we're talking about the lame (and lamé) disco-dancing clean-room baggy-head guys that were inexplicably all the rage back when the Pentium II was at the height of Intel's hype machine. (Awww, thought you'd finally managed to expunge the last vestige of those dancin' fools laying down the boogie? Sorry about that.) At some point some genius in Intel's marketing department decided that it would be real boss to make "beanie" Bunnymen as promotional gimmicks, and, sad to say, it worked. You can find these things all over eBay if you're so inclined. Bunnymen dolls. Stop the world, we want to get off.

But all that's just prelude to what faithful viewer Kent Hull pointed out to us today. If you think Beanymen were weird, you may want to tread lightly when poking around the MVP Store. MVP apparently stands for "Most Valued Partner"; the MVP Store is Microsoft's outlet for promotional schlock that companies can use to "promote [their] brand." It's "by Microsoft people for Microsoft people," according to the site. What's that, you say? You didn't realize that Microsoft made people? Well, think again, buster, because how else can you possibly explain the MCP Action Heroes? Yes, folks, if anything signals the decline of Western civilization, it's this set of three Microsoft Certified Professionals (named Dan, Kim, and Nate, no less) who serve as "your desktop buddies." Any special powers? Well, they're Microsoft Certified Professionals! Isn't that enough? (No offense, but we're pretty sure that in a fight against, say, Nuts the Squirrel, Nate would get his ass kicked.)

So lessee... Intel's done it, Microsoft's done it, and all we want to know is, when the heck can we buy an authentic Steve Jobs action figure with kung fu grip and a real, working Reality Distortion Field™? He comes with a refillable water bottle and a real black turtleneck sweater, and if you press the button on his back, he'll question your manhood and make you cry during a job interview. Collect all five flavors! Larry Ellison "sidekick" doll not included. Now that's an action figure we'd pay cash money for, even before Apple starts flooding the Saturday morning cartoons with RDF-enhanced commercials pushing the things onto helpless children...