Buttons Are SO '90s (5/23/00)
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Wow, the no-button mouse rumors aren't just persisting-- they're actually growing. For those of you who missed AppleInsider's original report, sources claim that Apple's finally making headway on what we imagine must be one of the most frequent customer complaints in the history of the company: "Where's the mouse? All I found in the box was this round hockey-puck thing that I can only assume must be a complimentary Apple-branded cat toy." Reportedly Apple's new mouse is minimalist in the extreme: no mouse cord (it's wireless), no mouse ball (it's optical), and, taking things to the next logical step, no buttons (you shout obscenities when you want to click).

Okay, maybe the details on the obscenity-shouting are sketchy at best (and completely made up by us at the worst), but AppleInsider has since "confirmed" that development on the new buttonless mouse is indeed underway. Apparently one squeezes it or pushes down on it to click. Mac OS Rumors has more details on this quizzical new input device, claiming that Apple has departed from the long-held standard of "simplicity" by rejecting the single-button, single-click paradigm and has instead embraced a bizarre set of rituals by which the user may invoke several functions using the buttonless mouse. Reportedly squeezing the sides of the unit does one thing, pressing down on the front of it does another, pressing the back does still another, etc. Default inputs built into this puzzle-box include standard click, control-click, scroll up, scroll down, and minimize window. We hear you can even easily invoke the "Close Window" command by shaking the mouse three times, licking its lower-left quadrant, submerging it in cold water, and then shoving it in one's right ear. What could be simpler?

For those of you concerned that Apple has learned nothing about ergonomics over style, fear not-- rumor has it that this new mouse is at least oblong in shape. And there are even whispers that Apple's USB keyboard is being revamped, too, so hopefully it'll get a size boost. Of course, if the buttonless mouse is a reality, then who's to say Apple isn't also working on a keyless keyboard? We don't want to think about what horrors that may bring...


 
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The above scene was taken from the 5/23/00 episode:

May 23, 2000: IBM's new chip technology will surface in an "Apple portable device" later this year, but don't expect anything more than a spiffy new PowerBook. Meanwhile, the "buttonless mouse" rumors continue to spread, and Kodak licenses QuickTime for its new line of digital cameras-- but where are the thrills and spills?...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 2311: Pickle On The Side (5/23/00)   Okay, at first we thought it was just us, but now it's clear that the rest of the Apple-watching public is also still obsessed with the concept of a new handheld computer springing forth from Cupertino...

  • 2313: Forgot The Car Chase (5/23/00)   You know things are quiet in the Apple world when the news sites trip all over themselves to leap on a piece of info as emotionally inert as Kodak licensing QuickTime for use in future digital cameras...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

Vote Early, Vote Often!
Why did you tune in to this Ď90s relic of a soap opera?
Nostalgia is the next best thing to feeling alive
My name is Rip Van Winkle and I just woke up; what did I miss?
Iím trying to pretend the last 20 years never happened
I mean, if it worked for Friends, why not?
I came here looking for a receptacle in which to place the cremated remains of my deceased Java applets (think about it)

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