Here's a fun thought experiment: if a large computer corporation were to alienate an entire country and culture by systematically cancelling trade shows year after year, discontinuing localized software products, and eliminating local sales and marketing departments, what would happen to its market share? The answer may surprise you. Apple, always a company willing to invest in wacky R&D projects solely for the sake of satisfying morbid scientific curiosity (how else can you explain those creepy Performa infomercials from a few years back?), decided to try just that. The test subject? The United Kingdom, who has been the recipient of various Apple slights for almost three years running, and the results are in: according to The Register, Apple's UK market share in Q1 was up 46% from the same quarter a year ago. Strange, yes? It's like some kind of tech industry version of a daytime sleaze show: "Abusive Computer Manufacturers and the Countries Who Love Them," on the next Springer.

This surprising turn of events is particularly shocking to those of us who have been following Apple's episodic schedule of emotional abuse ever since the company pulled out of Apple Expo 98 two and a half years ago. Then the 1999 show was cancelled outright, the 2000 show (which Apple promised to attend, complete with a Steve Jobs keynote) collapsed after a last-minute Apple withdrawal, the UK English version of the Mac OS went the way of the dodo, and the UK Marketing team was disbanded in favor of more centralized European control. With each slap in the face, we figured Apple was one step closer to causing the complete implosion of the UK Macintosh market-- and then this 46% sales increase smacks us in the head from left field. Sounds like Apple's products are simply too darn good to resist, right?

Well, sort of. That 46% increase isn't terribly impressive when you look at Apple's actual slice of the steak and kidney pie: 3.5%, up from 2.7% a year ago. That's a mere 0.8% difference, for the mathematically challenged. A fluctuation that small could have been caused by unusually low interest rates in the UK earlier in the year, or by Steve Jobs publicly voicing a preference for English muffins over bagels for breakfast. We'll feel more secure about Apple's future in the UK if the numbers climb to at least 5% by Christmas. And Apple-- it's probably time to stop the whole "let's annoy the British" experiment. Surely there are far more interesting projects to undertake, like a "G4 for President" campaign, or a push to make the dogcow the official California state mammal.