The New Cold War Erupts (8/1/00)
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Reason number 423 why you should support Microsoft's every move: it's an all-American democratic watchdog that's fighting a war to keep the commies out of your computer. Well, okay, maybe not your computer, since you're probably a Mac user-- but all that Intel-compatible iron out there is just waiting to be seized by the Red Menace. Oh, sure, a hearty majority of them run Windows now, but Linux poses a very real threat-- and as faithful viewer Esther Perez tells us, according to The Register, Microsoft bigwig and Peter Boyle lookalike finalist Steve Ballmer has publicly claimed that Linux is the operating system equivalent of communism. After all, you know what Marx said: "From each according to his Registry, to each according to his X Window Manager." Or something like that.

Why, you ask, is Linux such a menace? Well, for one thing, according to Ballmer, "there's no company called Linux," which is clearly a slap in the face of Adam Smith himself. A product with no company? Capitalism weeps. Furthermore, "Linux sort of springs organically from the earth," which is obviously why it's openly embraced by tree-hugging anti-American hippies bent on smashing the state. Worst of all-- the part that makes Microsoft positively convulse in horror-- Linux has "the characteristics of communism that people love so very, very much about it. That is, it's free." FREE! Duck and cover, people, because the daunting specter of Mother Russia is coming to assimilate your PC!

Linux as a communist plot: we should have seen it all along. Consider this-- what's the most recognizable organization associated with Linux? Yup; Red Hat. So if you ever wondered why it's "Red Hat" and not "White Hat" or "Blue Hat," or why the company logo is obviously a KGB agent, now you know. (Sure, Red Hat's operating in the realm of IPOs and dotcom stock success, but they're obviously just trying to bring down the system from within.) Of course, if Linux represents communism and Windows represents (cough) capitalism, we can't help wondering what the Macintosh is. A totalitarian state, one community under Steve?


 
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The above scene was taken from the 8/1/00 episode:

August 1, 2000: Word of incendiary Macs is spreading; is the restless ghost of Gil Amelio the culprit? Meanwhile, Intel trots out a 1.13 GHz processor, while Motorola continues to play FreeCell all day long, and Steve Ballmer publicly equates Linux with communism...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 2452: Them Pesky Poltergeists (8/1/00)   There are many images from the Amelio Dynasty that stand out: 90,000 Performas sold, no two of which had the same model number; those creepy infomercials that reeked of stale desperation; the torrents of red ink that made the elevator scene in The Shining look like someone got a paper cut...

  • 2453: Uh, Time For Quad-Boxes? (8/1/00)   Those of you who have been tracking Apple's standing in the megahertz races, we have some news for you, and it ain't good. While the advent of dual-processor Power Macs as standard equipment at the high end should give you some indication that Apple's given up hope of ever seeing Motorola catch up to Intel and AMD, even the specious marketing message of "two 500 MHz chips, one 1 GHz chip-- same difference" has just been derailed...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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