Terahertz Is Where It's At (8/11/00)

Every once in a while, one of our countless fans and groupies will temporarily suspend the screaming and the swooning and all that great rock-star-worship stuff to ask us why we haven't prostituted AtAT's hard-won popularity by doing cheesy product endorsements. Usually we remember to echo our publicist's canned response: "Because while literally hundreds of big-name manufacturers have gotten down on their hands and knees and begged us to promote their gear, we've yet to encounter a product we deem worthy of carrying the AtAT seal of approval-- and we have far too much integrity to stand behind a product that isn't up to our exacting standards." Other times, when we're glazed over after recovering from accidental exposure to the voice of The Nanny while flipping channels, we accidentally give an honest answer: "Because no one's asked. At least, no one willing to pony up enough cash."

But now all that's changed! AtAT is pleased to announce its first official product endorsement: the hoaxTremMac. While those jokers over at xTrem are busy futzing around with trying to push a G4 up to a piddly 1200 MHz by sticking it inside a 3D rendering (a scientific process that is well beyond your puny mortal comprehension, so don't even ask), the guys at hoaxTrem are running rings around them in the lab. The hoaxTremMac is a full three orders of magnitude faster than xTrem's bush-league offering, running at a stunning 1200 GHz. Not 1200 MHz, mind you-- 1200 GHz. Yeah, that's right, 1.2 THz. Don't believe us? Wanna make something of it? Then let's step outside and we'll hand you your butt on a plate. No? Didn't think so. Punk.

In addition to the hoaxTremMac 1200 GHz (still in development), hoaXtrem's latest press release (complete with quote from Yours Truly) also introduces the MacDuff, a "false rear-end" that straps to the backside of a PowerBook user, providing a soothing massage while he or she works. But while the MacDuff is an innovation that no PowerBook user should be without, it's clearly the hoaXtremMac that has captured the hearts and minds of the industry as a whole. In a matter of days, gigahertz will be a thing of the past; everyone will be talkin' terahertz, baby.

Meanwhile, negotiations continue as we lobby for hoaXtrem to add a second model: the hoaXtremMac Special AtAT Edition. In addition to the standard hoaXtremMac's 1200 GHz performance that delivers maximum productivity to the user "until the whole thing explodes in a nuclear-like fireball after approximately 240 minutes of sustained usage," we envision the Special AtAT Edition gaining a few tasty productivity-boosting extras. Like a nifty Graphite or Snow AtAT logo right on the front. And a big, fat royalty check made out to CASH. We'll let you know how it goes.

SceneLink (2476)
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The above scene was taken from the 8/11/00 episode:

August 11, 2000: Forget the XtremMac-- AtAT is proud to endorse the 1200 GHz hoaXtremMac, instead. Meanwhile, AppleInsider revives the "Vetoed 650 MHz IBM G4" rumor, and Adobe slaps Macromedia with a lawsuit for violating its "tabbed palette" patent...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 2477: Motorola & IBM: Play Nice (8/11/00)   Okay, okay, we give in; no more jabs at Mac OS Rumors. (For a few days, at least.) The legendary big dog of the Apple rumor yard may have seemed a bit off its game for the past year or so, what with infrequent updates, declining accuracy, and Rumors Lite™-style content-- not to mention accusations of lifting info directly from AppleInsider and reposting it without credit...

  • 2478: Adobe: Put It On My Tab (8/11/00)   What, you think Apple's the only company willing to drag competitors into court for copying its designs? Not hardly. Intellectual property litigation has long since surpassed such activities as mountain biking, racquetball, and routine caffeine overdose as the most popular pastime in the high-tech industry today...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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