Just what you needed on a Monday: further proof that you can never be too rich or too paranoid. Originally we thought author Alan Deutschman was just freely expressing his endearing delusions of persecution and/or trying to drum up some free press when he publicly claimed that his upcoming biography, The Second Coming of Steve Jobs, was the target of an elaborate and sinister dirty-tricks campaign by the iCEO himself. After all, as conspiracy-minded as we are, we had a hard time seeing how Steve could have engineered the flap about Random House not having secured the rights to use the book's cover photo.

Since then, though, further information has come to light that may explain how he could have pulled it off. Several faithful viewers pointed out that the company from whom Random House claims to have licensed the image, Corbis Sygma, is owned by none other than-- (dramatic chord) Bill Gates. Coincidence? Possibly-- considering that Bill owns three-quarters of the western hemisphere at this point. But try this on for size: early on in the book's production, Steve blackmails Bill into having Corbis sell Random House an unlicensed photo on purpose. He then anonymously tips off the original photographer after the photo's already been plastered on a zillion dust jackets and promotional materials, just in time to kick up a costly and messy legal fuss. How could Steve blackmail Bill, you ask? Come on-- the guy's the richest man on the planet. You don't amass that kind of personal wealth without stacking a few hundred thousand skeletons in the closet. (Remember, kiddies, the earmark of the true conspiracy connoisseur is the ability to appreciate intricate and unlikely theories about how something could have happened; whether or not it's true is purely academic.)

As for Vanity Fair suddenly cancelling its plans to publish excerpts of the book in its October issue, even perfectly rational people (as boring as they are) could imagine that the iCEO of a multibillion-dollar corporation might have some sway with people who could influence editorial decisions at a major magazine. All it would take is a phone call or two. And if you don't believe that Steve would make a few phone calls to delay the publication of this book, consider what The Register has to say on the subject. Reportedly the Wall Street Journal managed to persuade a Random House spokeswoman to admit that her company's head honcho, Peter Olson, "was contacted by Jobs last week," though she wouldn't say what was discussed. Now, if you're so incredibly skeptical that you still think Steve might have called Olson for a completely unrelated reason, say, to borrow a hedge-trimmer or something, then follow faithful viewer Doug Alexander's advice and take a peek at the New York Times, who talked to another spokesman at Random House. This one freely admits that Steve called to "complain" about the biography. Whether or not he had any impact on the phone with Random House remains to be seen-- but if he made a similar call to Vanity Fair, apparently he was quite persuasive.

Personally, we're a little surprised that Steve was so sloppy about covering his tracks. Driving a campaign to stifle the publication of a biography is one thing-- done covertly, it could be quite effective. But to let not one, but two Random House spokespeople tell the press that he called the publisher's boss, well... that's just laziness on the clean-up work. With two major newspapers reporting that Steve is actively campaigning for the book's shutdown, all Steve's managed to accomplish is giving the very "hatchet job" he despises a massive boost of publicity; after all, the only tell-all bios worth reading are the ones whose subjects don't want you to see. Place those pre-orders now!