Everybody knows that Apple has secret underground labs in which legions of scientists are busily trying to reverse-engineer Steve's Reality Distortion Field, right? Well, several highly-placed AtAT sources have risked life, limb, and stock options (not that they're worth all that much right now) to tell us that the project entered a new research phase last week-- and that Apple's earnings warning and the resulting "Black Friday" stock tailspin are merely factors in that experiment. It seems that in order to reproduce Steve's infamous mind-bending energy field in a lab environment, the Poindexters need more data on RDF energy's maximum output effectiveness. How far can Steve push his powers to make bad news sound good? In other words, what's his Spin Quotient?

The first attempt to spin the carefully-planned earnings shortfall met with the expected results: Wall Street reacted to Steve's press release claim that the sales slowdown was merely a "speedbump" by slashing the value of AAPL over 60% in mere days. Clearly the weakened effectiveness of RDF energy transmitted via the written word was wholly unable to spin the earnings warning to Apple's benefit. The next test? Spin delivered live and in person, by Steve himself, as the iCEO addressed his demoralized minions last Friday morning.

Faithful viewer Joshua pointed out that ZDNet covered the experiment, though the media was unaware of the true significance of the company-wide meeting, and therefore focused on relatively trivial matters. It's true that Steve declared that Apple has no plans for layoffs and will replace any departing employees. It's also true that a hiring freeze for most currently open positions has been instituted until Apple's operating expenses are under better control, and that certain "nonessential projects" may be scaled back. And Steve did blame the company's shortfall on slow Cube sales, a "slump in education channels," and failure to get products released in a timely manner. However, it's important to keep in mind that all of these details are merely test variables in a larger RDF test plan. Apple's white-coats monitored the employees' reactions to each delivered fact from behind one-way mirrors, while correlating the audience response to Steve's delivered RDF volume. (Those employees who were unfortunate enough to have glimpsed the electrodes on the back of Steve's neck were led away and "re-educated" over the weekend.)

Sources claim that Apple's RDF Research Facility should have all the data it needs to proceed with its work by the time Apple is scheduled to post its quarterly results on the 18th, though its possible that Apple's "recovery" may be postponed a while longer for follow-up study. If the project is successful, then future Apple products and advertising may soon be imbued with artificially-created, non-Steve-originated RDF energy to sway consumer purchasing decisions. You can bet we won't see much "sales softness" after that.